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Manhattanite

Distinguished member
Joined
May 10, 2015
Messages
209
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
05/2015
Country
US
State
NY
City
New York
It was my PALS funeral and burial yesterday. My sister-in-law and I worked together to plan the service. My PALS was half Jewish (I was raised Catholic) but he was agnostic. His sister and I worked out a compromise to make the memorial follow tradition without being overly religious. The eulogies were beautiful; we had a cantor who sang lovely songs. I felt that I was fully given the respect and priority I deserved as his husband and caretaker -- many of you know this had been an issue for me through this process.

I identified my PALS body in the casket without fear, and he looked so at peace and no longer ill with this horrible disease. It was then that I knew he was free.

About a hundred people came - including a friend he had since kindergarten! My PALS was truly an amazing individual.

The burial was tough but I found the strength to go through it calmly. I found myself comforting people who were so distressed. It was as if I was still accessing that source of care in me that allowed me to be there for my PALS, but this time giving it to others.

When I look at pictures I took of my PALS in the last month, I can see how ill he really was. When you are in the middle of this war you only worry about the next feeding, the next medication, the next bath, the next change of clothes... the routine made me a little blind to the reality of how much he was suffering, so I now accept that his death came at the right time it should have, under my PALS control, the result of all the decisions he made. Thank you Laurie (lgelb) for making me see this.

Thank you everyone for your comments the last few days. They have really helped me to start the process of healing.
 
It was nice reading your reflection of this battle and the past free days. Thank you. It's helped me to understand. My husband nears the end more and more each day.

I hope that you do find healing and know he's at peace. Hugs
 
I am so glad you now have this realization. It is hard to see when we are in the big middle of the storm. HUGS to you and let the healing begin!
 
My heart feels a little lighter knowing you got some closure from the funeral. I have taken your advice from a previous post. I will make sure my wife knows I love her every night before bed.

Today you have all of my love...

Rob
 
It is so true - we watch our PALS decline daily and we are in the thick of it and just so busy 'doing'. I feel the same if I see photos of my Chris in his last weeks I'm like 'holy sh*t batman' as I realise how he really did look as it ravaged the very last out of him.

I'm so pleased that the funeral gave you some things as you deal with the myriad feelings that are still there and need to be dealt with. xxx
 
I am a big believer in funerals/memorial services. they do bring closure and a sense of reality to the loss. I know what you mean about not realizing how ill your pals is until looking back at photos. I keep getting FB memory pictures with my husband, and every time I am in shock at how he looked in those last months.

so sorry for your loss
 
So True.. When your deep in the Routine of being a CALS you almost don't see the decline. You really don't have the time to see it and process it.. Happy to Hear you felt some closure at the service.. Mine moment of closure came strangely the moment My Liz took her last breath in my arms. I felt like we had started and finished the Journey Together. Take care of yourself in the days and Months ahead of you.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss, Manhattanite. May you find strength and peace to heal in the coming months.
 
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