Mary Jo,
I am sorry for everything that you are going through. It sounds like you are making progress toward improving your situation and your relationship with your brother. I agree with what others have said and with the advice that you should look into a facility for your brother.
You seem to be struggling with a conflict between your desire to convert your brother to Christianity and your personal needs (which are very legitimate). He seems to be taking advantage of your wish to help him spiritually, and he will most likely continue to exploit this. You have shown him love far beyond what he has offered in exchange, and this is more than enough. He has free will, and ultimately he is the one who must decide how he wants to live and die. He might come to Christianity at some point, but you cannot blame yourself if he doesn't. You have done your part, and he has to contribute something to his own spiritual development as well.
So...please be kind to yourself and don't focus on the negative feelings that are a natural part of caring for a difficult family member. Allow yourself to have these feelings--don't feel like it's a shortcoming on your part--and then keep going as best as you can. Recognize when you are having a negative feeling, and remind yourself that it is OK. No one is perfect, and God does not expect you to be happy and patient every moment of your life. It's just what we strive for. You have done far more than most people would, and I hope that you will give yourself props for that.
I am glad that you are seeing a counselor. This will help you to work through your conflicted feelings and, I hope, take back control of your life. A caregiver will also help, but a facility for your brother would be even better (and possibly cheaper).
If you are not ready for this option, you might try establishing some ground rules for him to stay in your home. There is a really good website at
http://www.loveandlogic.com that offers some strategies on how to handle situations like this. Love and Logic is actually a system for raising children, but it works with adults as well. You might say something like, "I care for you too much to end our relationship, but this situation is not working. If you are going to continue to live here, then I need for you to make these changes. [And then list specific things that you want him to improve on.] Otherwise, we will need to look into a facility for you." Then when he acts out, like the newspaper incident, you could remind him of your discussion. You are giving him a choice--he can live with you *if* he is respectful of you and others, or he can choose to live elsewhere if he cannot honor your needs. This takes the pressure off of you. It becomes his choice, but you will also be protecting yourself from his emotional abuse.
But the bottom line is that you should acknowledge the very generous things that you have done for him, and don't feel like you are falling short when he has taken advantage of you. I know that you are also concerned about his spirituality, but you really have done your part. As I said, he has free will, and you are not a failure if he chooses to reject the love that you have shown him.
