hearts_and_thoughts
Active member
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2008
- Messages
- 56
- Reason
- CALS
- Country
- US
- State
- OH
- City
- Burton
Hello all...
I am new to this site. In fact, I've been without a computer for several months now and this is the first place I found for the needs I have. By the posts that I have read, I think there are a lot of wise and caring individuals here.
My story of which I need some guidance: My brother who voluntarily walked away from his entire family (sisters, brother, dying mother, aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces, cousins) 15 years ago, showed up on my doorstep July 30, 2007. He had Bulbar Onset ALS and had symptoms for two years before arriving at my home. I am the baby of 8 kids. My parents and grandparents have passed on and one of my sisters died of Limb Onset ALS in 2000 for which my brother didn't know she had died, let alone of ALS. At this time, I had my house up for sale. I had recently lost a job, had no significant other and my children had their own lives going on. I decided I wanted to pursue a different life devoted to helping others. I was in the process of striving to meet those goals when my brother showed up. I had various people tell me to continue with my life and I couldn't do that because I thought that was selfish and I couldn't look myself in the mirror. After all, I wanted to devote my life to helping others...how could I not help my brother.
But, my brother has worn me down and I am experiencing a deep depression. I'm bitter and angry at my brother for all the fighting and stress he has given me...not from the disease but from him fighting me all the time about everything. He wore me down and I have no care left in me. He has treated me very crappy, has used me and lied to me. The disease itself is frustrating enough let alone his personality defects. Then, from afar, my family tries to tell me I need to do better...as they go on with their normal life and I have none except to live and breath for every moment of need my brother has which is nearly every moment of every day. I'm burned out and angry and bitter and I don't know how to turn it around. I, for the first time in years, even swore at God for allowing me to be in this. I am ashamed of myself for my bitter, angry, resentful self and I have lost all self esteem. Due to this very unattractive side showing up, I also lost my boyfriend and I'm pushing away my entire family because I just have become hateful. It's not me and I don't know what to do.
Is there anyone else who has experienced bitterness and resentment toward a PALS or am I just a sick monster for feeling this toward my brother?
I am new to this site. In fact, I've been without a computer for several months now and this is the first place I found for the needs I have. By the posts that I have read, I think there are a lot of wise and caring individuals here.
My story of which I need some guidance: My brother who voluntarily walked away from his entire family (sisters, brother, dying mother, aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces, cousins) 15 years ago, showed up on my doorstep July 30, 2007. He had Bulbar Onset ALS and had symptoms for two years before arriving at my home. I am the baby of 8 kids. My parents and grandparents have passed on and one of my sisters died of Limb Onset ALS in 2000 for which my brother didn't know she had died, let alone of ALS. At this time, I had my house up for sale. I had recently lost a job, had no significant other and my children had their own lives going on. I decided I wanted to pursue a different life devoted to helping others. I was in the process of striving to meet those goals when my brother showed up. I had various people tell me to continue with my life and I couldn't do that because I thought that was selfish and I couldn't look myself in the mirror. After all, I wanted to devote my life to helping others...how could I not help my brother.
But, my brother has worn me down and I am experiencing a deep depression. I'm bitter and angry at my brother for all the fighting and stress he has given me...not from the disease but from him fighting me all the time about everything. He wore me down and I have no care left in me. He has treated me very crappy, has used me and lied to me. The disease itself is frustrating enough let alone his personality defects. Then, from afar, my family tries to tell me I need to do better...as they go on with their normal life and I have none except to live and breath for every moment of need my brother has which is nearly every moment of every day. I'm burned out and angry and bitter and I don't know how to turn it around. I, for the first time in years, even swore at God for allowing me to be in this. I am ashamed of myself for my bitter, angry, resentful self and I have lost all self esteem. Due to this very unattractive side showing up, I also lost my boyfriend and I'm pushing away my entire family because I just have become hateful. It's not me and I don't know what to do.
Is there anyone else who has experienced bitterness and resentment toward a PALS or am I just a sick monster for feeling this toward my brother?
