8 months

[Pandora]

I woke up on Friday morning and felt everything all at once. All the pain, loneliness, anger, guilt, everything. I didn't know how to feel. I was a zombie most of the day. I didn't care about one single thing. It would not have mattered if the sky fell in on me, or I won the lottery. Just numb.

I got a call that forced me out of bed, saying that my brother in law, was going to be a dad. I was told by a friend of the "family". It was also said that there was no need to call or expect an invite to the shower when they had one. They (being the family) wanted me to know that I was not wanted or needed as an Aunt. I could be assured that as the child grew up it would know that it had an Uncle and it would be named after him. Bran if it was a boy or Brandelyn if it was a girl. What a day to fill me in on how unwanted I really am. What do you say to that? All I could do was cry. I know it may seem petty, but the names they chose was what We were going to name our children. How dare they steal that. How can they just cut me out?

I don't even know why they bothered to tell me, I think it was just to hurt me. I think I am taking steps to pull myself out of the hole, and BAM. I get hit in the face. I will make it. If I can't I am just going to fake it. I miss him everyday. I am not getting better but it is getting easier. I don't think I am ever going to get over him, I think it is more like I am going to get better being me. I will always love him, no matter what. I haven't figured out if I will always be in love with him, maybe some part of me will. But is it healthly to be in love with someone who is gone? I mean, Should I shut down my heart (he made me promise I wouldn't). I'm not going out looking for anyone, but what if? What if I clicked with someone? My vows were until death do us part, and it did. My heart doesn't stop loving him, my mind keeps him very close. What do I do?

Things have changed so much in the past 8 months. I have changed. My whole world has changed. The meaning of time has changed for me. I used to not have 5 moments to myself, now I feel I have all the time in the world. I had forgotten what an hour really was. I guess it takes some getting used to. I just had to get this out. Thanks for letting me ramble. Sometimes it helps just to get it out there.

 

[Miss]

Thinking about you.

 

[cervus]

Sorry you're hurting so much and that you were hurt on a day that obviously meant a lot to you. All I can say is try not to think about the future (as far as relationships go). When you're ready, you'll know and your heart will know too. Thinking of you too. Yasmin

 

[Atsugi]

...it is more like I am going to get better being me.

That, I think, is the best thing anyone can do.

Regarding loving another man, think about this: Can a mom love two children at once? Of course. Can a child love both parents? Of course. Can we love two people at the same time? Of course.

 

[vzandt]

Sometimes people can be so cold and heartless. Hang in there Pandora. Your doing better then you think. And your heart is huge. There's plenty of room.

.

 

[brooksea]

How terribly awful, Pandora. Change your phone number, for sure.

I still have the evil SIL sending cards and stuff to my house for my son, trying to make me look like I'm in the wrong for expunging her from my life.

It's just unbelievable how cruel and calculated some can be. Wipe your shoes off and be done with those that bring you down. You will have a better tomorrow, after doing so.

Hang in there!

 

[mj95]

"Better at being me" I came on the site today because my heart brakes for my mother. My dad passed away a month ago. She hurts so bad. It is so unfair. I know my dad would never want to see her in so much pain. I like what you said about "better at being me". Unfortunately, this isn't the "me" she wanted to be. But maybe "being better a being me" could be her motto. She is supposed to start conciling w/hospice. I really hope that helps her.

Pandora, hang in there. Your venting was a helpful.

 

[panguinjen]

Pandora,

My thoughts are with you as you grieve!

Jen

 

[Barbie]

You are an amazing woman--keep moving forward <3

 

[Plumeria84]

My thoughts are with you. Big Hug.
And how horrid of them to do that to you and taking the names you chose ?! Wow... people are really unbelievable sometimes.

 

[tdamess]

i read a statement that i liked right away cant remember where i read it but here it comes

death ends a life , not a relationship .

you will always love him and what you had together , when the time is right for you other things will come

you didnt marry his family and cant fathem why they are ungreatfull towards you i appericiate my daughter in law for everything she does for him glad he picked who he did