Jrzygrl
Senior member
- Joined
- Feb 14, 2017
- Messages
- 751
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 08/2014
- Country
- US
- State
- NJ
- City
- X
Today it is 6 weeks since my DH passed. It's the first I've written here since.
So many feelings. I had always felt that I had lived my life with no regrets, but now, I'm feeling so many. I regret that we did not travel more when he was first diagnosed and he was still mobile. I regret the way I sometimes acted or reacted when he needed so much. I regret being too much the caregiver and not enough his wife.
I miss "Us". I miss the stuff we didn't get the chance to do when he was alive. And I am so sad that the future we had hoped to spend together is no longer.
I am now realizing just what a shit-show the last few years were. What this disease took from him is immeasurable. I found a video on his phone that he had taken a few years ago on Christmas morning. I hear his laugh. A genuine laugh. It has been so long since I heard that. I found pictures of us together - with his arm around me. Again, how long has it been since I was able to feel him hugging me? I can't even remember.
People have remarked how well I am handling his death. Some days I do pretty well. Today has not been one of them. I've been crying, almost non-stop since I woke up.
I'm going through the motions, everything feels so empty. I promised him that I would be alright, and I'm trying. I have the support of a lot of friends and family, but so much of this journey we walked alone. And now, I feel that is where I need to grieve - alone. He has sent us, our kids and I, signs that he is OK. I truly believe that he is at peace and watching over us. And I want to make him proud.
I have heard that grief comes in waves. I guess today I need to weather the tsunami.
So many feelings. I had always felt that I had lived my life with no regrets, but now, I'm feeling so many. I regret that we did not travel more when he was first diagnosed and he was still mobile. I regret the way I sometimes acted or reacted when he needed so much. I regret being too much the caregiver and not enough his wife.
I miss "Us". I miss the stuff we didn't get the chance to do when he was alive. And I am so sad that the future we had hoped to spend together is no longer.
I am now realizing just what a shit-show the last few years were. What this disease took from him is immeasurable. I found a video on his phone that he had taken a few years ago on Christmas morning. I hear his laugh. A genuine laugh. It has been so long since I heard that. I found pictures of us together - with his arm around me. Again, how long has it been since I was able to feel him hugging me? I can't even remember.
People have remarked how well I am handling his death. Some days I do pretty well. Today has not been one of them. I've been crying, almost non-stop since I woke up.
I'm going through the motions, everything feels so empty. I promised him that I would be alright, and I'm trying. I have the support of a lot of friends and family, but so much of this journey we walked alone. And now, I feel that is where I need to grieve - alone. He has sent us, our kids and I, signs that he is OK. I truly believe that he is at peace and watching over us. And I want to make him proud.
I have heard that grief comes in waves. I guess today I need to weather the tsunami.