6 weeks

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Jrzygrl

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Today it is 6 weeks since my DH passed. It's the first I've written here since.

So many feelings. I had always felt that I had lived my life with no regrets, but now, I'm feeling so many. I regret that we did not travel more when he was first diagnosed and he was still mobile. I regret the way I sometimes acted or reacted when he needed so much. I regret being too much the caregiver and not enough his wife.

I miss "Us". I miss the stuff we didn't get the chance to do when he was alive. And I am so sad that the future we had hoped to spend together is no longer.

I am now realizing just what a shit-show the last few years were. What this disease took from him is immeasurable. I found a video on his phone that he had taken a few years ago on Christmas morning. I hear his laugh. A genuine laugh. It has been so long since I heard that. I found pictures of us together - with his arm around me. Again, how long has it been since I was able to feel him hugging me? I can't even remember.

People have remarked how well I am handling his death. Some days I do pretty well. Today has not been one of them. I've been crying, almost non-stop since I woke up.

I'm going through the motions, everything feels so empty. I promised him that I would be alright, and I'm trying. I have the support of a lot of friends and family, but so much of this journey we walked alone. And now, I feel that is where I need to grieve - alone. He has sent us, our kids and I, signs that he is OK. I truly believe that he is at peace and watching over us. And I want to make him proud.

I have heard that grief comes in waves. I guess today I need to weather the tsunami.
 

KarenNWendyn

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Thank you for this very profound and moving post. Thinking of you as you weather the tsunami.
 

affected

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I'm so sorry and I wish I could ease the grief. Unfortunately our grief seems to be measured by how deep our love was. Your love was indeed deep and so will be your grief. The only way through it is through it.
I learned that trying to hold back, avoid, or suppress any of it only made it break out harder.

Waves and tsunami's are the order for now and they crash us and we feel like we are drowning. Yet we don't, and even though we feel so wrung out, we need to go through each one. I learned to think of it this way - there is a finite amount of crying, grieving, screaming and all the rest of it, no matter how big that amount is. Every day I go through that is a crashing wave, or every hour even, is one more that is done with. It felt like they were endless, but I promise you they were not. It won't be fast, it won't be easy, but you will come through the grief.

You won't 'get over him', you will come through the grief.
Never think that being in the midst of huge waves of grief means you are not ok, or not doing him proud. The fact you are still standing after each one and still moving forward, even if crawling on hands and knees is something huge and awesome. No sugar coating - grief is horrific and it hurts like hell.

We are still with you 💙
 

lgelb

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Jersey, I think most of us are still shedding copious tears at 6 weeks -- I choked up a little yesterday mentioning to our son that it was our wedding anniversary, and that's coming up on 5y since, next month.

I'm also pretty sure there isn't a CALS here who doesn't regret doing more or would have done something differently -- but knowing it might have happened doesn't mean that you were able to do it, really, with everything as it was, and that was down to the disease, not you. I know you know that.

As for the future, if you make yourself proud, that would make him proud right with you.

Best,
Laurie
 

Narrowminded

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Jrzygrl - almost 11mo here and I still get hit. Less at times and they are a bit further between it seems, but it does still happen. You are doing just fine.

I know that therapy has been helping me. While it’s not for everyone, if you find a good therapist it can be invaluable. Don’t settle, try a few if you need to, if you do decide to go that route. And yes I’m back on my Zoloft and yes it has helped a great deal as well.

Know that we are here for you.

Hugs my friend
 
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