- Joined
- May 9, 2016
- Messages
- 1,529
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 06/2016
- Country
- US
- State
- MN
- City
- Minneapolis
In 12 days, it will be months since Brian passed. It feels like a long time ago and like yesterday all at once.
I may or may not have stopped in here about six weeks ago to tell the story of his ashes, I can’t recall. I finally got them back from the University of Minnesota anatomy bequest. Word up, if anyone is thinking about doing a whole body donation for research who has ALS, it’s a very worthy cause but it WILL take the full 18 months stated as maximum time to get those ashes back to your family. I was sure that would be the case as ALS research is fast a furious now (hurray!) and subject donations rare.
I went to Northern Minnesota, found a resort where we had frequented the restaurant on our many trips there, found a pier just outside the guest rooms and committed Brian’s ashes to Lake Superior. I also put the ashes from our beloved dog, Tori in the water as she had always loved our trips and the Lake. Some of Brian’s ashes wound up on the pier from wind. He would not have minded. I keep some for a container I have here at the house containing other personal items from him.
Life, well I have good days and harder ones. I will not say the second year is worse. It’s different. This year is complicated by the weirdness of Covid semi isolation ( I work about 60-80% from home). I have a housemate here now and her son, a good friend who helped care for Brian and had to get out of a crappy live in partner situation in Nevada. She keeps house for me and will not be leaving anytime soon.
I’m still in my house and have made inroads on making it truly mine. I recently bought a new bed and I now sleep on the side Brian once slept. It’s an enormous relief to me not to sleep in the bed where he is missing, and to no longer look across at the side where he once slept. It makes no sense but there you go.
I’ve got a great new job as of June, I’ve lost 55 pounds, I’ve got great friends, animals I love and my house comes together more all the time. My 84 year old, dementia ladened mother is very near the end, but that has been expected. Other than that, I have everything in the world but Brian. Our love was epic, the loss was enormous, and I still struggle at times with how to sustain in and move fully forward. I know it will never go away, do I’m just trying to live more comfortably with it because that’s the best we get, I know. I think it would help a lot if I could move around the world normally. I don’t know how current PALS and CALS stand it at all.
I’m in online therapy, it’s sort of interesting. Always gives me a place to chat about myself, and whatever. Halloween is done, Thanksgiving and Christmas loom but that’s okay. I’m putting up a tree for the first time since 2015 because the housemate is into it. I’ll cook thanksgiving for the three of us too because plans to be with my brother in Honolulu fell to the Covid situation. It’s to complex to go there now. Next year for sure, and I’ll stay 10 days minimum. It’ll be interesting, bringing holidays truly to this house again.
Funny thing is, much as I struggle at times it has occurred to me that I may have another relationship again, I will have fully one day a “new normal” life. This is another me being born slowly and sometimes painfully.
I may or may not have stopped in here about six weeks ago to tell the story of his ashes, I can’t recall. I finally got them back from the University of Minnesota anatomy bequest. Word up, if anyone is thinking about doing a whole body donation for research who has ALS, it’s a very worthy cause but it WILL take the full 18 months stated as maximum time to get those ashes back to your family. I was sure that would be the case as ALS research is fast a furious now (hurray!) and subject donations rare.
I went to Northern Minnesota, found a resort where we had frequented the restaurant on our many trips there, found a pier just outside the guest rooms and committed Brian’s ashes to Lake Superior. I also put the ashes from our beloved dog, Tori in the water as she had always loved our trips and the Lake. Some of Brian’s ashes wound up on the pier from wind. He would not have minded. I keep some for a container I have here at the house containing other personal items from him.
Life, well I have good days and harder ones. I will not say the second year is worse. It’s different. This year is complicated by the weirdness of Covid semi isolation ( I work about 60-80% from home). I have a housemate here now and her son, a good friend who helped care for Brian and had to get out of a crappy live in partner situation in Nevada. She keeps house for me and will not be leaving anytime soon.
I’m still in my house and have made inroads on making it truly mine. I recently bought a new bed and I now sleep on the side Brian once slept. It’s an enormous relief to me not to sleep in the bed where he is missing, and to no longer look across at the side where he once slept. It makes no sense but there you go.
I’ve got a great new job as of June, I’ve lost 55 pounds, I’ve got great friends, animals I love and my house comes together more all the time. My 84 year old, dementia ladened mother is very near the end, but that has been expected. Other than that, I have everything in the world but Brian. Our love was epic, the loss was enormous, and I still struggle at times with how to sustain in and move fully forward. I know it will never go away, do I’m just trying to live more comfortably with it because that’s the best we get, I know. I think it would help a lot if I could move around the world normally. I don’t know how current PALS and CALS stand it at all.
I’m in online therapy, it’s sort of interesting. Always gives me a place to chat about myself, and whatever. Halloween is done, Thanksgiving and Christmas loom but that’s okay. I’m putting up a tree for the first time since 2015 because the housemate is into it. I’ll cook thanksgiving for the three of us too because plans to be with my brother in Honolulu fell to the Covid situation. It’s to complex to go there now. Next year for sure, and I’ll stay 10 days minimum. It’ll be interesting, bringing holidays truly to this house again.
Funny thing is, much as I struggle at times it has occurred to me that I may have another relationship again, I will have fully one day a “new normal” life. This is another me being born slowly and sometimes painfully.