family doesnt get it

[gooseberry]

HI , I am just wondering why, after all the talking and explaining my in laws act like my husband isnt sick. They are 5 miles away and dont come to see him,,they dont call him, they minimize all the big changes like having to use a wheelchair all the time with well I did that once for a few hours.. Can someone please explain this to me?

 

[dalvin]

Think it's called denial. By not visiting or calling, they can mentally block out the facts. By minimizing, they can deny or pretend that there is a real problem. My mom's the same way. Seldom calls and when she does, or if I call her, she wants to hang up after only a couple minutes.

 

[LoveMyKids]

Gooseberry and Dalvin - I'm sorry that your family is missing out on spending time with you. I don't have any words of wisdom because I just think they are wrong. (I originally wrote "poopy heads" but then realized I didn't want to be offensive towards your family members. Sorry)

Gooseberry - one thought - would it work to not mention the illness but just tell his parents that your husband would like to invite them over to visit for a little while? Do they not offer to help with meals, shopping, etc.?

 

[gooseberry]

They basically dont help with anything. They will occasionally stay with my son for a short time if an appointment overlaps with the end of the school day. Not mentioning als doesnt help because you can hear it in steves voice and see the changes. We dont talk about it all the time but the changes are apparent. We have invited them over, they are divorced, so it is separate invitations but they are often busy.

Dalvin, I think it is denial.

 

[davbo49]

o im getting denial all over the place. i got ones think there going to get this from. then the ones that think the dr's don't know what there doing. this goes on. the ones think you can still work and wont take no for a answer. but the ones that gets me the most are the ones done wrote me off. i do still have two buddy's that is staying with me and helping out when they can. i do have my wife and sons. on my side of family my mom dad and only sister is gone. on my wife side there happy for me they want me to go down.

 

[cheerleader]

What a sad thread! To not feel supported/loved is the pits- even though you are probably right that it's denial. " if I don't admit it, it will go away!" No one wants to lose their child! Hopefully they don't someday regret the things they didn't do or say (although the perverse side of me says hopefully they do regret it and feel guilty!).
I'm sorry this is adding to your already heavy load!

 

[Doglvr]

I am sorry that your family does not get it

 

[Atsugi]

Perhaps they are literally unable to cope with the reality of losing their child.

Krissy's parents came to visit early on, when Krissy was diagnosed but still "looked" OK. They did not return when Krissy was confined to the wheelchair, not did they come when Krissy was bedridden.

I know they loved their daughter very, very much. They were supportive in many ways. But perhaps they had said their goodbyes, and couldn't bear to see their daughter so sick.

It is so very hard to lose a child.

 

[gooseberry]

Its funny because my husbands brothers have been wonderful. They both live out of state but do anything they can to help. One comes every 6 weeks or so to make sure I can get a break.

What really got me about the whole situation was yesterday when my husband asked why I stayed with him and helped him. When I told him it was because I loved him and we always worked thru things together he responded well why wont my parents come? Dont they love me? It just breaks my heart for him. But they dont listen to me.

 

[Nikki J]

That is the saddest thing I ever read on this forum. I am crying for him. Can the brothers intervene? If the parents were told what he said unless they have hearts of solid stone surely they would come?

 

[MaxEidswick]

>What really got me about the whole situation was yesterday when my husband asked why I stayed with him and helped him. When I told him it was because I loved him and we always worked thru things together he responded well why wont my parents come? Dont they love me? It just breaks my heart for him.

Do they have a relationship w/ clergy? I agree w/ Nikki that you should somehow pass his message onto them.

I also sent my family links to the youtube videos on the ABCs of ALS to help them better understand.

>when my husband asked why I stayed with him and helped him. When I told him it was because I loved him and we always worked thru things together

I have thought of asking Sandy the same thing, but we both bought into the 'in sickness and in health, 'till death do us part'. even more so now.

 

[Nuts]

I wonder what they would say if asked point blank why they don't come? Is it possible that they think you have it covered and that they would only bring their sadness into the house? OK, I really want to say harsh things, but I'm looking for reasons why a loving family would ignore something like this. Another thought--do they think that minimizing things will make them seem less devastating to the two of you?

I guess in truth I have the same questions. Two of my husband's siblings have been very supportive. The third has called him a few times and been out once, but when my husband said that he'd like to see his neice and nephew the request seems to have fallen on deaf ears. It's all about them, I guess. I feel such a surge of bitterness welling up inside of me that I'm almost afraid that they will show up at some point--I would hate to be their excuse for leaving and staying away again.

 

[gooseberry]

Nuts, That is where I am getting---angry. I am afraid to have a conversation with either of his parents right now because I think I would unleash on them. That wont help at all and they simply wouldnt get it. The anger isnt productive for me.

 

[davbo49]

me and my wife we lost are daughter it is hard. i was with her to the end. i lost a close cousin i was with him as much as i could. i was even with him when he went. i knew i wanted to be there so i could have all the time could with them. i didn't get to have time much with my mom and dad they went fast. time i got the word they was done gone. some for my sister. i hated being so far away

 

[Barbie]

I really don't get it at all. We have a similar problem here--husband's dad is dead but mom is alive and lives within an hour drive. has never visited or called in 7 years. I ran into her at a family function about 4 years ago (we don't really get along lol) and she told me she was "so worried" she just couldn't even talk to him :-?...I suggested she email him and she handed me her. business card and told me to have him get in touch with her. I was super pissed, but he did send her an email. he asked her questions about his dead dad and their family growing up(not a happy home thanks to her), and he was not judging, he just had questions. her reply was that the past was the past and she didn't ever think about that. Oh, and "have a good life" she said. that was the last time he heard from her. Smoke came from my ears that day!

Steph, I would send them an email or a letter and just tell them how you feel and give them the opportunity to reach out to him before it is too late. If they do (and even if they hold a grudge against you) he wins and so do they. if they still choose not to engage with him then you can hold your head up and know they are terrible people who will carry the guilt with them to the grave.

Oh PS: my MIL is banned from the memorial service and my kids say if she tries to show up (that would be her speed) they are going to punch her in the mouth.