michelleRN
Member
- Joined
- Jul 30, 2011
- Messages
- 23
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 10/2008
- Country
- US
- State
- VA
- City
- Richmond
So today I am irritated.
[Brief disclaimer: I'm a generally happy person. My progression thus far has given my neurologist the confidence to say that I will have ALS for "many more years," and at 31 right now, I'm hoping that sees me to my 2 1/2yos high school graduation.]
I still work full-time. Before diagnosis I was (humbly) a rock star ICU nurse, with some ED freelancing, had been for 5 years prior. I loved what I did. My world crashed with 3 little letters. Before diagnosis, I just thought I was imagining things, or out of shape, or being a wuss. After diagnosis, every tiny thing I couldn't do had a much larger, looming reason behind it. The inability to pump up a blood pressure cuff reminded me that I was dying. And the faces of my co-workers each time they saw me - oh, heaven help me.
I worked closely with Employee Relations to find a job "better suited" to my abilities (read: desk work). I was ok with that. 1st interview, EmpRel bombed, told the boss my diagnosis, and the entire interview was concentrated on if I would have impending mental decline. No, dillhole. Got letter from neuro fully supporting my desire to stay employed within some very minimal limitations (no lifting, no fine motor tasks involving needles, no excessive standing or walking).
2nd interview I got the job. It was an outpatient clinic and it was awful. Aside from the fact that a trained monkey could do that job, I had a boss who said she was supportive, expected differently, and - as I later learned - actually sent emails to EmpRel asking if she needed to follow the neuro and OBs (I was pregnant then as well) recommendations for desk duties only in my last **2 months!** of pregnancy. I never asked for it any sooner. Only when I had an extra 50-frickin-pounds to carry on my poor legs. Would she have preferred I go out on disability? Thinking back I may as well have. Nothing was ever good enough.
I looked for another job, with a doc I knew and who knew my diagnosis. Didn't think it would be an issue, he said he thought we'd be a good team and had worked well together before. Funny, though, how often he mentioned we would be walking through the hospital on rounds occasionally and would that be ok. Funny how, even though I said it would be fine, they never called me back.
By the grace of God, I was offered a job by one of the docs in the clinic to be his full-time nurse. I was and am so thankful to have an employer (both in him and the department administrator) who both often forget I have an "issue" but when I take extra moments to sit during a busy clinic day, or insist on the elevator for even just 1 flight, there's no second thought about it, no pitied look. It's "Yeah, ok, sure, we all needed a break anyway!"
All of that brings me to today's irritation, and if you're still reading... well thanks for listening.
I have to renew CPR every 2 years, and I'm due next month. 2 years ago I did ok, but I fumbled a little, and was sore as heck the next day. My worst hand can't do either motion with ambu bag and the mask on the mannequin - either holding the mask on firmly with fingers all spread around to ensure seal, or to compress the bag. Not happening, at all. I don't even want to think about compressions. They don't let you fake your way through. It's all out real simulation. So, I sent an email to the head of it, letting her know my concerns in late March. Copied my EmpRel contact on it, said if they needed any updated documentation from my neuro to let me know because I would be seeing him in early April. Let them know I can do a full simulation of the actions, to show that in a desperate situation I could fully walk someone else through it who might be more physically able than myself, whatever it takes. Only response came 2 weeks later, right before my appt, saying "we're working on the best solution and will get back with you before your class." I'm registered on May 3 and am still waiting. Send another email today to get an update, and of course get back Out Of Office notifications for both.
It's just frustrating. I guess that's the gist of this. If I were the head of nurse education, or the employee relations rep, I would have been on the phone with myself 4 weeks ago, getting a better feel for exactly WHY I'm asking for this - to put aside any doubt that I'm just trying to get out of an un-fun training task, and finding out what the solution is to an alternative. The truth is I could force myself to do it, be mildly humiliated when I'm either having to use one hand to position the other hand correctly or making pained faces as I try to will my hand into compressing the bag. I could force myself to do the chest compressions, hope that my arms don't spasm up, and be chugging the ibuprofen the next 3 days.
But I shouldn't have to. I want to be a good nurse. I want to be a responsible individual. I want to do all that I can while I can. But I also want to be able to say I can't and have someone listen and understand.
[Brief disclaimer: I'm a generally happy person. My progression thus far has given my neurologist the confidence to say that I will have ALS for "many more years," and at 31 right now, I'm hoping that sees me to my 2 1/2yos high school graduation.]
I still work full-time. Before diagnosis I was (humbly) a rock star ICU nurse, with some ED freelancing, had been for 5 years prior. I loved what I did. My world crashed with 3 little letters. Before diagnosis, I just thought I was imagining things, or out of shape, or being a wuss. After diagnosis, every tiny thing I couldn't do had a much larger, looming reason behind it. The inability to pump up a blood pressure cuff reminded me that I was dying. And the faces of my co-workers each time they saw me - oh, heaven help me.
I worked closely with Employee Relations to find a job "better suited" to my abilities (read: desk work). I was ok with that. 1st interview, EmpRel bombed, told the boss my diagnosis, and the entire interview was concentrated on if I would have impending mental decline. No, dillhole. Got letter from neuro fully supporting my desire to stay employed within some very minimal limitations (no lifting, no fine motor tasks involving needles, no excessive standing or walking).
2nd interview I got the job. It was an outpatient clinic and it was awful. Aside from the fact that a trained monkey could do that job, I had a boss who said she was supportive, expected differently, and - as I later learned - actually sent emails to EmpRel asking if she needed to follow the neuro and OBs (I was pregnant then as well) recommendations for desk duties only in my last **2 months!** of pregnancy. I never asked for it any sooner. Only when I had an extra 50-frickin-pounds to carry on my poor legs. Would she have preferred I go out on disability? Thinking back I may as well have. Nothing was ever good enough.
I looked for another job, with a doc I knew and who knew my diagnosis. Didn't think it would be an issue, he said he thought we'd be a good team and had worked well together before. Funny, though, how often he mentioned we would be walking through the hospital on rounds occasionally and would that be ok. Funny how, even though I said it would be fine, they never called me back.
By the grace of God, I was offered a job by one of the docs in the clinic to be his full-time nurse. I was and am so thankful to have an employer (both in him and the department administrator) who both often forget I have an "issue" but when I take extra moments to sit during a busy clinic day, or insist on the elevator for even just 1 flight, there's no second thought about it, no pitied look. It's "Yeah, ok, sure, we all needed a break anyway!"
All of that brings me to today's irritation, and if you're still reading... well thanks for listening.
I have to renew CPR every 2 years, and I'm due next month. 2 years ago I did ok, but I fumbled a little, and was sore as heck the next day. My worst hand can't do either motion with ambu bag and the mask on the mannequin - either holding the mask on firmly with fingers all spread around to ensure seal, or to compress the bag. Not happening, at all. I don't even want to think about compressions. They don't let you fake your way through. It's all out real simulation. So, I sent an email to the head of it, letting her know my concerns in late March. Copied my EmpRel contact on it, said if they needed any updated documentation from my neuro to let me know because I would be seeing him in early April. Let them know I can do a full simulation of the actions, to show that in a desperate situation I could fully walk someone else through it who might be more physically able than myself, whatever it takes. Only response came 2 weeks later, right before my appt, saying "we're working on the best solution and will get back with you before your class." I'm registered on May 3 and am still waiting. Send another email today to get an update, and of course get back Out Of Office notifications for both.
It's just frustrating. I guess that's the gist of this. If I were the head of nurse education, or the employee relations rep, I would have been on the phone with myself 4 weeks ago, getting a better feel for exactly WHY I'm asking for this - to put aside any doubt that I'm just trying to get out of an un-fun training task, and finding out what the solution is to an alternative. The truth is I could force myself to do it, be mildly humiliated when I'm either having to use one hand to position the other hand correctly or making pained faces as I try to will my hand into compressing the bag. I could force myself to do the chest compressions, hope that my arms don't spasm up, and be chugging the ibuprofen the next 3 days.
But I shouldn't have to. I want to be a good nurse. I want to be a responsible individual. I want to do all that I can while I can. But I also want to be able to say I can't and have someone listen and understand.