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glupavomomiche

Distinguished member
Joined
Sep 25, 2011
Messages
282
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
09/2011
Country
US
State
Texas
City
Podunk
Well, here goes my first rant.

It's like this...

I have a younger brother. My parents emancipated him and let him get married to his knocked up girlfriend when he was 15. He has occasionally held a job, but never uses that income to pay actual bills. He has three children that we actually know and see (two from the first wife, and another from a 15-year-old girl he knocked up when he was 22, plus quite a few we "accidentally" found out about that are floating around town). My brother has now moved off to another city 6 hours away and left these kids behind. My parents are dealing with the ex-wives and baby mommas and spend a large amount of their time and money on these children. They have done this for 12 years now.

Now here I am, with ALS and a 4 year old on my own. My ex is still sorta in the picture, not romantically or me taking him back or anything like that. He's trying to get a job here so he can help take care of our son. Not thrilled about the prospect of him invading my territory (hometown) but it is the best for my son.

My parents keep telling me they are going to take care of me. They have moved into a house right down the street from me and plan to move into my house when the time comes. But the thing is... they have my nieces around (and their insane mommas) all the time. They are constantly dealing with these women who beg for (and steal) money and anything they can get their hands on. Take take take take take. And my parents let it happen.

I have always been the responsible one who took care of myself. I never asked for money. I never asked for help. But now, I have to ask for help. But I'm really afraid it's not going to be there. The times that I have needed help recently, I was put on hold for them to take care of the girls. That's ok now, but what about later on when I really do need help for every little thing. I don't think they're going to have time for me, much less for helping take care of my son. And quite frankly, I can't deal with all those little girls. On bad days, I can barely tolerate my own son, much less the offspring of my idiot brother. I certainly don't want to deal with their mommas or want them anywhere near my home.

So when I announced that I was thinking that down the line it would be a good idea for my son to go live with my ex full time and I would move to some kind of assisted living or nursing facility, the sh!t really hit the fan. I'm selfish. I'm taking their grandson away from them. It's their disease too and I'm not letting them do what they feel they need to do for me. Etc, etc, etc.

Am I really being selfish? Or am I just being realistic? Isn't it my right to decide what I do?
 
They are so wrong. They should be there for you now showing and learning how to care for you I agree with you. You should not have to deal with your brother's problem. You sound to me like a smart independent strong woman who is thinking about what is best for you and your son. They do not know what they are missing I have to say I commend your ex. For looking for a job and wanting to move closer to you sounds like he is putting your son first wanting. Not to change his environment. But come into his environment. Does not sound like he will take your son completely away from your parents
Hugging you
Felica
 
You are a true Mom putting your son first. You are not selfish at all. Do what is best for you and your son.
 
Selfish is completely opposite of what you are thinking of doing... you are being realistic, and thinking of the best situation for your son first, and then you. I completely understand how it can be with the ex, as I'm in a similar situation with mine. We've been separated for more than 6 years, but he moved back in (which was a mistake) to help with the kids, etc. Stability is what you and your son need right now, and especially as your condition worsens. Tell Mom and Dad that they have their hands full with all that chaos and you can't stand the "noise" right now, you're seeking peace and quiet, or however you want to phrase it. That you're thinking of your son first, you second, and they can be there to help you but not have to be primary caregivers.

You sound like you have a good idea of what needs to be done, so don't feel guilty about anyone else! Good luck honey.
 
You Rock! They are co-dependant. You're right not to want your son involved with such disfunctional people.
 
Sounds like you are being realistic, you don't need more bull crap if they can't even be there for you now, when and will they ever...
 
You are being realistic...however....

This post really made me think. And the first thing I thought of to say was...maybe...this is the time they will step up to the plate. Now, I can't even be sure where this came from, or if it is just some delusion I have that when I really need my parents they will automatically step up to the plate and take care of things. Why? I don't know.

But maybe it will happen...and that is why the sh&t hit the fan when you told them of your plans...it kind of blind sided them. Maybe, un benodst to you, they were making lots of plans to help you out when things started to go downhill...and the fact that you made that decision without including them...hurt. I can imagine, with your brother, they are already hurt by the numerous amount of times that he did not include them on his plans which had ill affected them all. I am sure they love your little one, and can't imagine that their daughter is going through a rough time.

I hope this makes sense..and doesn't offend you at all. Just another view from another side. You definately have a right to feel anger and sibling resentment though...that I will definately give you! Good luck.
 
It's your life, take advice and listen to others' opinions. But ultimately the decisions rest with you. Do not procrastinate. You may progress faster than you anticipate and someone else will begin making decisions for you.
 
I am in a similar situation, except that my children are grown, and have small children of their own. I have been told that I need to let my family step up and care for me. I moved across the country to be near my daughter who said that she would take care of me. She has 4 small children, who I love dearly, and her husband is in the military. She is already overwhelmed. I live in a condo about 1.5 mi. from them and it is hard for her to find time for me. I still drive, but it is sifficult for me to get in/out of my car and do my own shopping. I have to use a rolling walker.

My daughter will need to move in about 10 months. We have both decided that it doesn't make sense for me to go with them, as it would be hard for them to find housing that will accomodate me, and I should not live alone any longer by that time.

I don't want to move in with one of my other children either. I think it would be the same situation, and they live in other states.

I say the most "unselfish" thing for me to do is find an assisted living or nursing facility back in my home town where friends/family can visit if they want, and nobody has to be stuck with primary care. My mother is caring for my dad, who has Alzheimers, in their home, and I see what that has done to her. They are both in their 80s. I was going to be the one to take care of them until this happened to me. Unfortunately, my family does not all live close together where responsibility for them (or me) can be shared.

It is a dilemma, but I do NOT think you are being selfish. Quite the opposite.

Good luck to us both.

Pam
 
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