My apology to my family

[momofsixkids60]

B4 U shoot me down, (Richard and Ai, jk), I really didn't know where this post should go.

To my wonderful forum family,

I want to thank you so much 4 the warm welcome back! On July 22/23; I left packed my pills, a small bag (ha not me) & a bag full of letters and headed north. I crossed into the great state of NC; found the 1st decent looking hotel & rented a room for the night. People are so kind there. One gentleman actually removed my chair for me and helped me out of my van & all he asked for in return was a "thank you".

As soon as I got in the room, I set out to complete my mission. I placed all my children's letters (1 4 ea of their Bdays and special events in their lives. After I had accomplished that, I proceeded to my final task at hand. I laid out all my pills and 1 by 1 swallowed them. I don't remember much after the 3rd bottle, but I knew I had brought enough to complete the job.

I awoke many days later in a hospital & was so angry that they said I fought them and had me in soft restraints. The only family member to come and see me was my darling daughter Lindsay. My A$$HOLE husband had refused to let them come. Half of me understands but the other is still working on that end. Well after much medical intervention (along with bloodclots in my right leg), I remain in the hospital until Thursday.

At this time; I come 2 U my real family and ask 4 4giveness. I am sorry for trying 2 take the easy way out and I have promised not 2 do it again. Suicide they say is selfish but in my case. I wasnt being selfish. October starts my 2 yrs of onset although the diagnosis wasn't finalized until July. I have gone from a "vibrant" woman to 1 who can't walk to the bathroom 5 ft away. The financial burden has put a financial strain

 

[momofsixkids60]

.Sorry wouldn't fit on 1 pg. Financial strain on an already struggling schooteachers salary. I also didn't want my children to see me lose what little bit of me that was left. My increased life insurance would have made it possible for the kids to live comfortably and not worry about $ anymore. I do not qualify for SSI or SSDI so every medical bill was being paid 4 out of my husbands meager salary.

Now at this time, I beg of U 2 4give me 4 what I had done abd I promise to the THE GOOD LORD set my expiration date.

And I also want U all 2 know my husband has banned me from the forums! Lindsay went & bought me a smart phone which can be discreetly hidden and ALthis phone types 4 me! Won't B too many errors in my posts now

With Much Love 2 My Family,

Kimberly

 

[momofsixkids60]

.Sorry wouldn't fit on 1 pg. Financial strain on an already struggling schooteachers salary. I also didn't want my children to see me lose what little bit of me that was left. My increased life insurance would have made it possible for the kids to live comfortably and not worry about $ anymore. I do not qualify for SSI or SSDI so every medical bill was being paid 4 out of my husbands meager salary.

Now at this time, I beg of U 2 4give me 4 what I had done abd I promise to the THE GOOD LORD set my expiration date.

And I also want U all 2 know my husband has banned me from the forums! Lindsay went & bought me a smart phone which can be discreetly hidden and ALthis phone types 4 me! Won't B too many errors in my posts now

With Much Love 2 My Family,

Kimberly

 

[abbas child]

Kimberly, no need to apologize in my opinion. We all have different circumstances while living with this monster. I'm selfishly glad you're still here, but over time with the disease have seen the question of suicide through eyes of compassion, and not any judgment. Sending you much love, and prayers for your living solution to come about. Your Lindsay is a testimony of your character. Oh--you have added more. Glad you have your smart phone! Welcome home!
Love,
Ann xoxo

 

[Ms. Pie]

Yes, no need to apologize Darling Woman. We're just glad you're still with us. We love you very much. You're still you and that won't change. The body is just a shell that we live in and we need to take care of it as best we or our caregivers can. Our mental states, although sometimes fragil, are our strength in this or any fight. We'll do this hand in hand together and with as much mental grace as we can muster. We can't do without you Kim! I thank God you're back and with your boxing gloves on. Give Lyndsay a big hug for me!
xoxoxo Love you!
Marta

 

[susanf]

Kimberly,
No need for apologies here. We have all been there and I can't speak for others but I for one could relate. I'm so glad your back because we have missed you so much. Your daughter is an angel.
You will have support and love on here
Susan

 

[laurel]

Kimberly you don't own us apologies. We love you, and will be here for you unconditionally. I missed you and was sad to hear what you went through.
Laurel

 

[HelenL]

Kim, the others have said it better than I... suffice it to say we were worried about you, and wish there was some way we can help you through this horrible time you've been through. We do love you, and missed you terribly, and selfishly, I too am glad that the best laid plans were not successful. You are much more than the ability to walk to the bathroom, as I can't anymore either! That's beside the point... you have much more to give this world than the ability to clean your house or walk, etc. I'm so sorry that your husband is angry with you and being a jerk rather than what he should be doing. I think we need to clone Ann's Phil, either that or send him down your way with a mission.

Again, brave of you to post your apology, but none is needed for us. We're just grateful that you're still here with us. Love you!
Helen

 

[momofsixkids60]

I thank U all for the kinds words. It warms my heart 2 know U R traveling with me on this journey. I do want to make it understood that some of this hospital staff has mentioned the word "depression". Not therfe is anything wrong with having depression, I just wanted U all 2 know that I am not depressed but was looking for a way to save my children from seeing me change from the beautiful butterfly back into a crysalis (I believe that's the spelling).

I guess in the beginning, I was looking through rose colored glasses; but now I understand the journey is a much harder 1 2 go through. And only my forum family would understand this.

And if "nuncegirl"? I am not sure if that's right (but she's from Greenville,SC) would like 2 see what a real PALS looks and feels everyday there is an open invitation for her 2 visit me after Thursday!

 

[olly]

kim,as others have said you have nothing to apologise for.
i have been there,done that and bought half a dozen teeshirts in the past.........any one who says its a cowards way out dont know jack sh*t.
you are in such depths of despair you can not function mentally,it also takes alot of courage.
ofton anger from family after something like this is just from the shock,hopefully they will get over it..........if not,thats there problem.

you know if you feel such despair again you can come to any one of us or all of us and we will be here for you.
anything you need you just have to ask,we will do our best to help.
godbless kim.

 

[tmasters]

Kimberly,

The hospital staff is trained (programmed) to assume every case of attempted suicide is connected with depression. With our circumstances it is not necessarily the case. Don't worry about labels. The medical professionals are good but not perfect.

I agree with the others who said there is no need to apologize. What you have done has been considered by many of us I'm sure. I can tell you I've researched methods... just in case!

Gods blessings,
-Tom

 

[Alyoop]

Love you Kimberly, I can say no more than others have.

 

[BarryG]

Kimberly, believe me we all know how you feel so there is no need to apologize. We are just glad that you are still with us.

Barry

 

[notgivnup]

Kimberly, you are such a sweet heart, I am so very happy you back with us. Like the others have said no need to apologize, thank you for sharing something so personal with us here your family. I so can relate to your experiance and it is humbleing and strengthening at the same time. I hear the courage in your post now and a determination that wasnt there before. When we are weak HE is strong. Let that strenght shine thru you as the noon day sun. So so glad you are back with the family again. We all love you so much.And will be there for you unconditionally.

 

[kmendsley]

Kimberly,
I am so glad you are still here. We all have those dark times in our lives...and if anyone judges you for taking that action in order to feel once again independent in your life...they truly don't understand the monster of this disease you deal with day to day. Glad you have a way to communicate again with us on the forums, and please keep in touch. We will all go soon enough...no reason to rush things along...obviously God sees that you have much more work to do here before you go!
Love,
Kell