Post things to cheer up people

[CathyAmanda]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

The wife was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleevleess with straps.

The husband was wearing his usual jeans and a T shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, They passed in front of a huge silvewrback Gorilla.

Noticing the wife the Gorilla went crazy.....He Jumped on the bars and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded on his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited by the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited. Making noises the would rile the whole ape enclosure......

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down..............

Now show your thighs and fan your dress a little. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips...........

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the cage door and flung her into the cage with the excited gorilla and slammed the door shut and said..................


"Now tell HIM that you have a headache"

[CathyAmanda]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there St Peter says we only have one rule here in heaven:" Dont step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven and sure enough there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidently steps on one.

Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.............. St Peter chains them together and says, " Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this ugly man!"

The next day another one of the women steps on a duck also and along comes St Peter who doesnt miss a thing. With him is another ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all of this and not wanting to spend all eternity with an ugly man chained to her, she treads very, VERY carefully......

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks and then one day St Peter comes with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.....Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.

St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says " I wonder what I did to deserve to be chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says "I dont know about you but I stepped on a duck!"

[Al]

Now those i liked CathyAmanda.
AL.

[Montana Carol]

True story: When my son was about six, he came home from school one day and said, "Mom, my friend Robin told me how you get a baby in your tummy; but it wasn't very sanitary!"

[AngelManFL]

God Bless each and every one of, you are my second family and I wish all of you a Wonderful, Happy, Family Fun-Filled, Gloriously Merry Christmas!!! I have come to love and adore all of you any and everyone whose helped me, encouraged me, advised me or prayed for me - you all will be in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers today - may we all make it through probably tired and exhausted by the end of the day - but let's pray it is a wonderful Christmas for all us.. May God bless all the CALS who work so hard to make it so wonderful us.. Merry Christmas!

God Rocks and Rules!

[MtPockets]

Have you ever run into one of these?

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two!
We haven't used Sears repair since.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed, and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS .

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

And you thought you were having a bad day?
God Bless
Capt AL

[Al]

What was messed up Al? You or the posting?
LOL.
AL.

[MtPockets]

Me as usual. Too many pain pills is my excuse, and I'm stickingto it.

[MtPockets]

Uh.....Hit submit twice.

God Bless
Capt AL

[Al]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena, my wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was in the check out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I probably shouldn't, I continued, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time.
I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. However, I did lose 40 pounds on the diet, so I was giving it another go.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is you load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete and I needed to lose a few more pounds. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was, by now, enthralled with my
story.)

Horrified, this woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because I'd been poisoned by the dog food. I told her no, it happened because I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit both of us.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

[joejoe]

I cant stop laughin.............. Joe

[MtPockets]

Now I have a whole new picture in my mind when Ihave to buy dog food.

[trustinggod]

(written by 8-year-olds).

A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store
and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillers.

They show us and talk to us about the colour of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandmothers don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

[Markbreton]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to
the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him.'

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said...

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to the electric chair

[trustinggod]

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting
her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,
and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear
Lord, please don't let me late...But please don't shove me either!"
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first
boys says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
poem , they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boys says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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