Its like being on a roller caoster!

[Chris_b]

One minute your up and having a great time, then straight back down to a real low.
It just seems that when something good happens, a bad thing has to follow up and kick you were it hurts. This is what its been like for the last 10 months or so.

The latest is on such a high from our fabulous wedding day, then within 2 weeks my brother in law decided his life was too bad and decided to kill himself! Its brought us back down in a shot. Why? what could possibly be so bad you have to do this?
I sad and angry at the same time, sad at the thought of him feeling he had no option and angry at th FACT he was in perfect health, 36, and a baby of only 9 months! everything to live for in my opinion.
Im feeling quite low, things seem to be changing quite a bit more, stuff getting harder, feeling more trapped, It should be me wanting to end everything! but i love life, my family and my friends no matter how tough things get.

Sorry for the bit of a rant, just so frustrated.

 

[LizT]

chris- im so sorry about your BIL. Suicide is a very dark, difficult thing and i really feel for your family.
Im sorry youre having ups and downs. Unfortunately, i think it goes along with the disease, and just life in general.
I hope you and your new bride can somehow find peace in your BIL's passing.
My condolences to you.

 

[fba75]

I sad and angry at the same time, sad at the thought of him feeling he had no option and angry at th FACT he was in perfect health, 36, and a baby of only 9 months! everything to live for in my opinion.

One disease can easily do that: depression.
It is a disease and even if on many case you can find a trigger, this is not always the case. Some people get into deep depression for no apparent reason and are pushed to some extremities without explainable causes.
Sometimes it is like getting hit by a bus.

 

[abbas child]

Chris, so very sorry your BIL took his own life...sorry for his wife and his baby, of course, also. And I'm sorry your symptoms seem to be changing faster. Did the change follow your wedding or your BILs suicide? Any time there is something big, whether good or bad, we are charged emotionally, and it drains us. The result is to feel progression of symptoms. Often as the stress leaves we feel somewhat better--a rebound. Of course, I hope that is what is currently going on with you. It helps me to rearrange my schedule and make empty space surrounding each event. Sadly, the event involved does shrink in size--but this is a way of having some changes in the daily routine without paying a heavy price for it.
Ann

 

[Alyoop]

Chris. Ann is just so right. She helped me realize that every time something huge happened last year, child with eating, disorder, daughters wedding, surgery, child trying to kill herself, I took a huge dive not only emotionally but physically. It was like a patient with MS having a relapse. The stress both good and bad just seems to sap our strength.

As has been said, depression is as much of an illness as ALS etc. I know I suffer from it, and it hits me from know where. This time last year my husband was away on his annual ski trip and a few days before he left, back it came. I was going to the hospital everyday, just to get them to help me to not kill myself, while I was alone with 2 of the children. It was thankful that at the time I was seeing a neuropsychologist at the hospital who was helping me with the PLS issues and he recognized something was wrong. 3 weeks later it was gone as fast as it came. I just returned to normal. Luckily this horrible illness only comes about every 2 years, but when I was younger, it was more frequent and very frightening. I understand that it's just not fair that some appear to have a choice to live,yet choose not to, others that choice is taken from them.
It's not being selfish that drives people to kill themselves, rather the desperation to stop the dark clouds and save your family from watching it. I have the farewell notes I wrote my children 15 years ago in my drawer!
It seems very logical at the time. When the dark clouds leave, it then seems very illogical.

I loved your wedding photos and can't wait to see the owl with the rings. Hold on to that day. It was magic

Aly

 

[joni51]

Oh Chris so very sorry about your BIL. I can kinda see where it would tick you off that he was so depressed he took his healthy life, and here you are wanting to be healthy.There have been times when maybe I have been that down, but I always remembered I had loved ones needing me. Hope things calm down for you.

 

[Chris_b]

thanks for your support, it really is a difficult time, if feel for my parents as the stress of everything seems to be showing. With regards to my changes,they seem to have been more noticeble before the wedding but i think adrenaline kept me goin, leading upto it and during the wedding. i am struggling more with my right arm (almost useless) my left is now getting a lot weaker and having a real hard time with my legs, just makinng me feel quite down.

Aly, for you and anyone else that wishes to see, some of the owl pics.

 

[olly]

hi chris.
i am so sorry to hear about your bil,my condolances to your family.

like aly said,depression can be a very dark lonely place even with a loving family and everything to live for.
it can be hard for those who have never experienced clinical depression to understand.
i suffered manic depression(still do but i learned to control it)since my teens,i was at my worst during teens to late 20's.
during this time i had a number of nervous breakdowns and tried to take my life many times also sectioned twice.
all this was because of being sexually abused as a child by a relative.............i am telling you this so no one judges me.
i learned to focus on the good things in life,remember others are worse off ect when i felt i was going down hill.............cognitive therapy and it works.
it seems senseless i know but please dont judge your bil,he was not in the right state of mind to reason or be responsible for his actions.

like ann and aly said sometimes emotions can make symptoms seem worse..............we all experience that so your not alone.
with your new diagnosed to deal with,wedding and now this with your bil it has been like riding a roller coaster over the months.
its hard to shut everything out and not let day to day life effect us but without being selfish we have to protect ourselves and put up an emotional barrier.
having said that i am stressed at the moment.........another crisis this time my dads health but i'll leave that for another thread when we find out more next week.

chris,i hope the progression you feel is down to recent events and you can feel better emotionally.
i love the photos by the way...............very classy.

take good care
(((hugs)))
caroline

 

[Bad Balance]

The Owl thing with the rings....such a romantic wonderful thing.

Sorry that your brother in law decided that it was his time. I share your feelings on this. But; you do have to think that we cannot actually know his internal demons, eh? When I struggle to walk and see someone running there is the same potential to feel resentment, but you cannot let this get to you. Find something that you can still excel at and feel happy. Your new wife and her wonderous commitment has got to make your heart sing.

 

[Chris_b]

Thanks Caroline for your comment. Things seem to have been very tough for you and it must have been awful to go through what you have. I hope all iss ok with your dad?
Ive never really suffered from depression so i honestly cant understand what it must be like to get to a point of thinking there is no option but to end it all. My brother inlaw was a police officer and loved his job, what we didnt no was he was having an affair! he had been involved in some trouble with his lover and her father which resulted in police being called out. So with this happening and possibly losing his job and wreaking his marrige was obviously too much to handle. He wrote notes to his parents and my sister say he did not like the person he had become and was so sorry. It was so shocking to find all this out as it just wasnt the guy we knew, such a shame!

 

[olly]

thats the thing chris,you never really know someone even if you think you do no matter how close you are to them........hell,some people can't figure themselves out.
your bil must have been in so much mental turmoil,felt he had let you all down so badly and its a terrible shame he could not ask for help.

depression is up there in the top five illnesses and is becoming epedemic living in the times we are........yet it is still a tabu subject and people are ashamed to admit they suffer a mental illness.
people judge you or discriminate you because they can not understand what they dont know.

i dont need anyones pity,others have suffered far more.
i am a survivor,i was strong enough to get through everything that happened but others are not.
with my dad were still not sure,in the next week or two they are going to do a laproscopy(camera through an insision)to see whats going on.....you know what its like waiting for something done on the nhs. will send you and ann a message when i have more time tomorrow.

chris(got my aunty caroline voice on)i am ordering you to relax,chill,empty your mind of all things stressfull.......if need be buy a relax tape with whales or birds.
i have a couple of hours in the afternoon were i shut myself in my bedroom,if i'm tired i will have a nap or i'll read .
stress is very bad not just for mnd but any other illness as well,your body can not fight when its under stress thats why people get ill when there stressed out as it lowers the immune system.

take care of yourself.

 

[Alyoop]

Thank you for the lovely photos. I showed them to my daughter who is getting married at the end of the year. She was in awe.
Listen to Auntie Caroline.
Aly

 

[pudge44]

Hi Chris, firstly how tragic it is that your BIL felt so lost in his life he took his own, you will question this and more so because you love life so very much, as mentioned above no one knows what personal demons he might have been dealing with & even with a loving family & friends people who feel this sadly do not always share it. Thank you for sharing your amazing photo's they are brilliant actually spectacular! can you tell me what the significance of the owl is ? just stunning as was the bride:0)

 

[abbas child]

The pictures are gorgeous, Chris! I think Aunty Caroline has a lot of wisdom. I have at least one friend who appears to outsiders as one who has everything; a perfect life. It's so far from the truth... my own situation is preferable (easier) to hers. Enjoy your new life with your bride!

 

[Marjorie R. Wilcox]

Thank you for sharing the beautiful pictures. The owl feature is so special and wonderful. I too am sorry about your BIL but you do know, no one
should feel responsible. When a person decides to end their life, they will find a way no matter what we try to do. We must always be kind to each
other and give support if allowed and then live free with no regrets. Too bad this puts a sour note on your wedding. Be happy. Congratulations.