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Ladyinn

Distinguished member
Joined
Apr 7, 2010
Messages
398
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
11/2009
Country
US
State
South Dakota
City
Custer
I've read lots of posts of family dynamics changing when ALS strikes in a family. I always considered myself fortunate to have a son who has always been close to me. My husband passed away 4 years ago this week and was sick for two years before that, and my son was a rock in helping with his care. He continued to be there for me until last year when I recieved the ALS diagnosis.

At the same time I met a new man and he has since moved in with me. My son has decided he doesn't want to get to know this man, even tho he has moved in and is my primary caregiver. My son has stopped visiting, doesn't call, and won't let me see my grandchildren. He is my only child. I am so proud of him and am so hurt by his absence from my life.

I am losing more mobility daily and know that this stress and tension is not good for me, but I don't know what to do. He is my only family besides my 85 year old mother who has been in the hospital for 3 weeks and may never get back to her apartment.

I am having a pity party, I guess. Sorry. I'm crying as I type this and now understand that ALS not only wrecks bodies but damages family dynamics. I just didn't "get it" when I read your posts.
 
Oh Diane I am so sorry, your son needs to wake up and realize that you need him, your companion should not be an issue right now. I am sorry that all this is going on. I sure hope things change for you.
 
oh honey- this is just heart-wrenching! It isnt fair that your son isnt willing to let you be happy. After all, you are a grown woman and you know your partner better than he does. You also know him better than any piece of paper says- and i wish i could take this pain from you.
I dont know how you feel about it, but if it were me, and if i were desperate (which it sounds like maybe you are), I would firmly remind my son that there isnt time for all this foolishness. He needs to open up his eyes. OK. So fine. He doesnt like your partner. He doesnt have to. But he can be an adult about the situation. He should NOT be keeping those grandbabies away from you.
Maybe he needs to come on this forum and read thru everything. Maybe its the wakeup call he needs. Because i tell you this, my dear friend, when all is said and done, and when it is too late, he is going to have some real horrible regret in what he is doing now. and i know he will, because he is your son. you raised him. so he has a big part of you in him. i will pray that he realizes all of this before its too late.
And dont worry about the pity party. You have earned the right to have as many as you need. I love you and try to hang in there.
you are right- you dont need the extra stress, so please PLEASE find a way to release it.
 
Diane, I am very sorry that you are dealing with this. Obviously your son is having issues dealing with the new man in your life. Maybe he feels threatened because he had been your rock during his Dad's sickness and passing. Obviously it does not condone his behavior, just a thought. I will pray that he comes to his sense and he two of you reconcile soon. You are obviously a wonderful Mother, it very much showed in your statement about how proud you are of him.
 
Diane, I am so sorry your son is causing you such heartbreak right now. Has he told you right out that he is upset about your partner living with you. I would think he would be grateful that he is taking such good care of you. Perhaps your son is having trouble dealing with your diagnosis. Have you been able to talk with him and let him know how you feel. You need to see your grandchildren and they need to see you. This has to be so hard on you along with your Mom being ill too. Please know we are thinking of you and praying your son will change his actions and be there for you soon.
 
Diane, my heart goes out to you. My in-laws can care less about my husband and it's heartwrenching to him and angering to me. I just don't understand how anyone can behave like this. How about your daughter-in-law? Is there any way she could be of any help? I would be crying too in your circumstances so don't feel bad and have a good ol' boohoo party! The grief has to go somewhere a tears are a good outlet. Praying for you!
 
Dear Diane,

You know how much I love you and want you to do well. The stress is awful for you, and there is nothing I can do or say.... except that in reading the previous posts it occurs to me that your son (as has been said already) feels helpless in the face of your disease coupled with his Grandmother's needs. I expect you've been a very strong woman throughout all his life and he isn't ready to lose you to the disease OR to another man. That desire to fix what is unfixable could, it seems, turn into a "control" desire that isn't healthy for anyone. And since I'm not a shrink, I'll quit there. I pray he wakes up and gains a perspective that is needed very soon.

I love you,
Ann
 
Diane,

I'm very sorry about your son. He must be grieving all over again. Hopefully, he will wake up and do the right thing.

Perhaps he feels he cannot bear to see another parent "go down that road." Maybe he justifies that with knowing you have a partner to take care of you now and he can opt out of the situation. I really don't know, just throwing it out there.

Hugs to you...
 
Diane I am sorry to read what a difficult time you are having. It is so hard to give advice in family situations. It does sound like your son is angry as you mention that he won't let you see your grand kids. Having lived through lots of dysfunctional family dynamics during times of serious illness of family members, the anger makes me think that you will need to involve a counsellor to help you work though some things with him. He sounds like he may have some very complex feelings happening to make him so angry. Anger is often the way a very depressed person expresses himself. He has lost his Dad, is losing you, and a new man has entered your life and this may frighten him on your behalf (he doesn't trust him). Maybe you and your son know a person that you both respect who can mediate? Perhaps a clergyman? Anyway I am thinking of you and hoping that fences can be mended.
Laurel
 
Thanks for all the hugs and good ideas and your advice. I know I am not the only one who finds there are days when they feel like Chicken Little and the sky is falling. :) Guess yesterday I was feeling I was that chicken.

I went to see my mom today and have begun arranging for her to be moved to a nursing home in Rapid City when a bed becomes available. She will be near my son and grandkids and she seems to think that is a good plan. Of course, in the next breath she was talking to her brother who has been dead for 30+ years so I don't know if she fully grasps what it means to be in a nursing home. :)

I spoke to my son this morning - tense but at least he didn't hang up. We agreed the nursing home scenerio is the best and he is going to handle that as well as moving Mother out of her assisted living apartment and storing her belongings.

When I got home, I felt like I had run the NY City marathon, and while entering the house took a tumble backwards on the ramp -- no blood but a real attention getter as the dog and cat both ran to lick me while my partner gathered me up! Crap! I hate ALS! Rejoice! I love ALS for bringing such caring people from this forum into my life!

Thanks a million.
 
Diane,
It's good to hear your more chipper voice, and wonderful that you and your son spoke today on the telephone. One step at a time. Meanwhile, as your friend I have got to ask you to use your wheelchair, as I have the heebie-jeebies thinking about your falls. It is NOT giving in. It's being a "lady of leisure" and you have won the right.:wink:

I know that I have a Pollyanna-ish trait, Diane, but I've also seen others go through similar trials with their adult children who cannot deal with their mother (usually) living with this disease. Sometimes they don't come round until the eleventh hour, but just as we try not to admit we are sick until we have to, they do seem to finally admit it as well. Of course, since they've basically backed away from seeing it up close and personal, they often can remain silly for far too long.

My bet's on your mother. You've told me of her incredible ability to suddenly see reality very clearly and speak forth. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't speak with her grandson one of these days.

You are such a trooper. Peace to your heart, and ice to your head (the bump). :cool:
 
Diana,

Our kids can break our hearts but I pray God will restore your relationship with your son. He is in the miracle business and if thats what it takes so be it. Take each day as it comes for new opportunity to arise as each day is a gift. For such a time as this.

Bless you today and always,
 
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