Old 09-06-2018, 08:30 PM #1 (permalink)
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Default Grief

I have to say, grief is the strangest thing I have had to deal with thus far...

Cliff has been gone now for almost 9 months.

In the beginning, I felt relief. I thought this was really strange, almost wrong... I felt guilty about that. Then I felt like I was doing really well, too well really. I felt like I wasn't grieving?! Who knows what I was doing?!

Seven months in, I bought a house and moved.

Eight months in, I applied for a new position within my same company.

Honestly, I don't know how or what I am doing.

I feel numb, kinda dead inside. I can't figure out what I want or need?!

I think I keep trying to figure out what is going to make me happy and I am not sure that is possible right now.

I went to counseling last Thursday... I like her ok... She told me that it has now been determined that grief for a loved one takes 2 to 12 years to process... Seriously, I will be retired by then. She gave me some books to read and I will go back every two weeks for six visits and then reassess.

There are some other things going on with my family as well that I don't want to go into details about but my DD and DGK are staying with me right now. So I am on Grandma duty a lot... while I love my grandkids, sometimes it's a lot when you are trying to just put one foot in front of the other.

I have been calling in sick more and thinking of reasons to not be at work... this worries me. I have to have my job and don't want to mess that up but lately, it has been a little to easy for me to say, not today..

The counselor said, I would be more worried if you weren't going to work and taking care of things. I am telling you, this isn't good!!!

I got an email today saying the hiring manager thinks I am highly qualified for the new position... Some days I think a change may be good. Other days, I think I should stay put...

In a couple of weeks, I am going on a work trip to New Orleans. I am looking forward to that. I am hoping, I can keep the worrying to a minimum and enjoy myself. We shall see!

Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-06-2018, 08:41 PM #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grief

And thank you for talking!
Calling in sick might be the right thing at the moment. Everyone talks about how grief takes time. Well, that time had to be knicked somewhere. You have a great work ethic, I don't worry for you to get lazy. Cut yourself some slack and enjoy New Orleans! I loved this city on first sight. It's a city that to me is all about joy, death, survival and rebirth. Not the worst place to grief in or just have a toast to your lost love. Let the good times roll!
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Old 09-07-2018, 02:05 AM #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grief

Sooner, I am 2.5 yrs out. Since the time of Steves passing, everyone has thought I have done so well. But just this week, it hit me that I have been chasing something...not sure what.
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Old 09-07-2018, 02:20 PM #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grief

Oh sooner - everyone expects us to 'come back' or something.

We are changed forever. I don't put any timeline on grief, but it sure isn't weeks or months. Running from truly processing the grief only tends to make it hit harder. Possibly your desire to take days off is your inner self trying to tell you that you are not ok, and need to do some stuff for yourself and to grieve. While that's not ok in one way, it's the reality - grief is big and deep and wide.

hugs, please be kind to yourself, 9 months is so fresh and raw, you are seriously wounded and healing is a complex process.
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Old 09-08-2018, 09:33 AM #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grief

gooseberry, I think I keep chasing happiness, something that is going to make me feel better...

I sure don't know how to grieve, that's for sure.

Alan Wolfelt is the author of the grief books she has suggested. Maybe they will help?! She said they have activities for you to do?!
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Old 09-08-2018, 11:46 AM #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grief

Hi Sooner,
It is interesting that you post this, at least to me.

I will be two years in December with Jon gone. No insurance just my income now. I work for myself and have great clients. I enjoy my work. BUT there are days I say, I don't want to do anything. And have to drag myself.

I am planning a trip to France for my daughters and myself for next June. We had been planning it when Jon got diagnosed. That is kinda exciting to do.

I have begun working and designing Stained glass and enjoy it. But talking myself into going in and working on things almost seems tough too. Weird I think. But I am told that this is "normal"

This time of year is the most difficult for me. It is hunting season. Jon and I spent hours and days driving, walking and sitting together in tree stands and deer blinds. I heard the different birds, feel the sun changing and miss him and our time together.

Have you watched Collateral Beauty with Will Smith? It made me think of all that I have been given with my time with Jon. What a blessing that was.

You are doing fine. Keep in touch!
Hugs
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Old 09-09-2018, 06:39 AM #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grief

i avoid reading your thoughts in here as a rule and rarely comment but i did this morning. i can tell you that all i want for my beautiful wife is for her to be happy.

"I think I keep trying to figure out what is going to make me happy and I am not sure that is possible right now." when i read this it deeply saddened me because all any of us who love you want for you is your happiness. i know my passing will be very hard on my wife but i hope that in time she sees it as a new start. a new chance to not have to be tied to a sick ball and chain. a chance to try some things that intrest her and not us.

her/ your lives are more than just about me or the loved one that passed they are about filling your days with the things that mean the most to you.

with all my heart i need to know that you will find your way to being happy again.

love and prayers
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Old 09-09-2018, 08:51 AM #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grief

Sooner my heart goes out to you. One day I will be in your shoes and I want you to know you have my full support however you might need it. I’m here for you.

Pete - your post brought me to tears. You are such a sweet dear man. Carey is so lucky to have you. Please know as a CALs, it is a privilege to care for my Brian and I am sure Carey feels the same. Many hugs to you my friend.

Hugs
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Old 09-09-2018, 09:23 AM #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grief

I have new hobbies, I am dating, I am religious about my self care....there are many things Julien and I do that are new for us. I laugh a lot, I smile, I enjoy a lot about my new life but some days that "feeling" just takes over.
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Old 09-12-2018, 10:15 AM #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grief

"I can't figure out what I want or need?!" O' man... I know how that feels. I find there's no "spark" in my life. I can't get into having fun like I previously could. I recently went to the grand opening of a Japanese super market. All the people were filled with energy and talking, laughing and getting excited about dumb Japanese grocery items. I just couldn't get into it. Yet I know if Ann were still alive, we would be just like those people. To a certain extent, I feel removed from society and this world.

Actually, I know what I want. I want to wake up next to Ann and cuddle up next to her and feel the warmth of her body. I'm not getting that, I know.

Grieving is a strange process. Being too happy can make you feel guilty or sad. Thinking about a bad memory can make you feel down. Thinking about a happy memory can make you feel worse.

Good luck Sooner. As Peter said, our spouses would want us to be happy.

Rob
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Old 09-14-2018, 09:03 AM #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grief

I listened to an audiobook this week by Alan Wolfelt. It was called "Understanding Your Grief". It helped me to understand that all of the things I have been feeling are grief... I have another booked being delivered today by the same author called "Healing a Spouse's Grieving Heart".

I had my second session with the counselor yesterday. I am not sure how much it is helping?! She is giving me resources and letting me talk through things which is good... I will continue to go and see where it takes me.
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Old 09-30-2018, 10:25 PM #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grief

Hi Sooner,

Grief really is a strange thing, I agree. I hope your sessions with the counselor are helping. I know mine helped me enormously. Being able to just talk, no need to edit or put a face on anything was a relief and it helped me sort through what I was feeling. There were 2 things she said to me at the intake interview. First, you are not crazy, it may feel like that but you are not and second remember you are now looking back with knowledge you didn't have at the time.

I didn't immediately understand the second part, until I started to replay parts of the CALS journey in my head. Things which were so obvious in retrospect, I completely missed when it was happening. It can make you feel very guilty, the should have beens.

The one thing I have held on to and we all share this, is that we were there for our PALS. However imperfectly, they did not make this journey alone. We gave of the most important thing we have, our time.

Pete, I would echo what Sue said. We CALS are not tied to a sick ball and chain, we are spending time with the people we love. I do it all over again in a heartbeat and I'm sure your wife feels the same.

Sooner, take care and find what peace and happiness you you can in the days ahead.

Paul
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Old 10-08-2018, 06:20 AM #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grief

Thanks for sharing, everyone. It will be 2 years since I lost my mom on 10/21. Six months after I lost her, I moved to West Africa to start a really hard job. Big surprise, about a year in a got slammed by some pretty serious depression. This job is so hard and the country is super isolating... and then there is the grief. Her birthday, my birthday, the anniversary of her death, Christmas, etc. I am an only child and not close with the rest of my family so I feel family-less and state-less at the moment. My anchor is gone. It's a crazy feeling! It means a lot to know that you are all still here. Thank you for being here. <3
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Old 10-08-2018, 09:44 PM #14 (permalink)
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As usual Soonerwife...thank you for sharing your thoughts. I wish I could hug you right now. We both need it.

The day after Steve's Life celebration I left town with my bestie and sister. We stayed in Nee Orleans for four days and I experienced a spiritual sign from Steve that both my best friend and sister witnessed. It was incredible. I thought I woulda be able to come home and deal with everything that's in front of me.

I made it through the door and broke down. The very next day I rented a 26 ft Rv. Mind you I have never driven one. I drove it to the lake front property I bought and spent another four days there. I felt confidence and was so proud of myself.

I came home today and within five minutes broke down again. Walking into our room crushed me.

Sooner, you are incredibly strong and a wonderful person who I have had the pleasure of meeting. You have taken big steps but you still need time to heal. This disease took so much away from us. But like Pete said our PALS want us to find peace. Steve has let me know that even after hes gone.

It takes a lot of little steps to finding our way. You are taking them and be proud. Just keep traking them and know it takes time.
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Old 10-09-2018, 08:44 AM #15 (permalink)
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Deb - please know my thoughts continue to be with you as well as Sooner.

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