Old 08-10-2018, 06:48 AM #1 (permalink)
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Default A year ago

Tomorrow, will be one year since my husband passed. This days are hitting me so hard because I am reliving in my mind the nightmare.
He was agonizing for almost 10 days and we couldn't help.
Then I lost my father to cancer and my dog the same day in April.... I am so scared all the time, I have panic attacks but I don't want to take medicines, I try to compensate with exercise.
I am so sad... my days seem eternity to me, I don't know if I ever will feel normal again.
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Old 08-10-2018, 12:20 PM #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: A year ago

Sending you huge hugs and prayers for peace.

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Old 08-10-2018, 02:33 PM #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: A year ago

Your husband isn’t suffering anymore. Look at it that way. Keep him in your heart.
Pups are hard to lose just like humans. My log on name is for a little dog I lost. I bought her a gravestone and laid her where I sit at my picnic table.
I just lost my son. No,I lost him four years ago. It just feels like I lost him today.
I know what u r feeling and I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. Hell, I am there.
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Old 08-10-2018, 06:11 PM #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: A year ago

It will get better. Exercise is good, but something where you can express yourself like art, music, dance, drama, writing, affinity groups, volunteering, work, socializing, is important, too.

Likewise, very sorry about your dad and faithful canine friend.

You may see it as your husband was "agonizing," but he knew at some level he was almost ready to fly free. I know that surrounded by your love he was at root at peace. He would want the same for you. But only you can give yourself absolution from the guilt.

Every day, ask yourself if you were not lost in memory, what you would be doing for your own life. And do one thing.

Best,
Laurie
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Old 08-11-2018, 01:53 AM #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: A year ago

*I too, am sorry for your loss and extend sincere condolences.
*The passing of a beloved husband, father, and pet companion so close together is a lot of sadness to carry all at one time.
The days pass, but grief lingers. Everyone passes through the storm each in their own way, and in their own time.
*Anniversaries of the passing; wedding anniversaries; birthdays; and holidays can all bring forth bitter-sweet feelings. When grief eventually resolves itself, the days become bearable, and can even become celebratory.

*I have a feeling that. guilt is a burden you are carrying. No matter how much one does, there's the feeling it wasn't enough.
Would your husband think that? That you didn't do enough for him? That you were negligent in some way? Instead, if you believe he would praise you for the care and kindness you gave him, why would you deny him? There are times when all we can do, is all we can do. No matter how much we wish it, more than that is beyond our power. There is no shame or guilt in that. Our loved one wouldn't want us to live our life carrying such a burden..

Writing a loved one a letter expressing all the things left unsaid; or whatever is on ones heart, can be cathartic. After writing it, hold the letter and read it once each day, as if you are reading it directly to him. Think of what their response would be. When we apologize to someone or share deep feelings, we don't continue it forever, so set a day when you will no longer read it. Each day the weeping will be less, the pain will be lighter,. Then take it outside, burn the letter, letting the smoke dissipate into the air, and t let the negative feelings float away with it.

*Should you still be anxious and having anxiety attacks, you might be experiencing mild PTSD. It would be best to consult your doctor. There are there to help you. Grief counseling can be very helpful, too. Others sharing their losses and feelings helps one realize they are not alone, and that the overwhelming sadness can be let go.
*Those who have lost loved ones understand the challenges and changes it brings. We know too, that peace can come again to your heart.
* Good luck and may all be well. May blessings abound. B.
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Old 08-11-2018, 03:01 PM #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: A year ago

Everything you are feeling is valid and completely normal. One year is so fresh and raw a wound. It really does feel like nothing will be normal again.

Exercise is great, it does give a lot of relief.

Have you seen a grief counsellor of some kind? It's really such a deep grief, especially after the horror that is ALS. A good counsellor can help you work though the many aspects of the grief and the underlying anxiety. Many CALS indeed suffer PTSD and it's important to work through all of this as it can cause health problems. Let alone the misery.

Definitely getting these feelings out is important, I'm so glad you have made a start here xxx
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Old 08-13-2018, 12:02 AM #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: A year ago

My aunt told me a story. She said she was super sad one year after her mother (my grandmother) passed away. She was so sad, she decided to make a doctor's appointment. When she saw the doctor, she told him how she was still super sad a whole year after her mother had passed. The doctor said, "O', I can help with this. I went through this when my father passed away 40 years ago." My aunt asked how he got over it. The doctor replied, "I didn't".

Life goes on, time passes and memories fade. My wife passed away less than two months ago and the intensity of sadness has started to go down. I probably think about her 50 times a day. That's down from about 150 times a day. That said, I'll never be the same. I look at my time as a caregiver to my wife as the defining moment of my life. It will always be with me and part of who I am.

Will we ever get back to normal? I'm afraid this is the new normal. To get back to pre-ALS normal is going to require a time machine. But, life goes on...

Take care.

Rob
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Old 08-13-2018, 02:32 AM #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: A year ago

Rob that is spot on - you never 'get over it'. But you do learn to live with it, and I like to say there is a Chris-shaped hole in me.

Time does heal, if you let yourself grieve. But you don't heal without being left with a change, a scar if you like, a tender spot that will always hurt like hell if prodded.

But there is beauty in the world, and if you let yourself grieve, you do find beauty, joy, laughter again.

If found that my friends that didn't really stay close while I cared for Chris were waiting for 'me' to come back after he died. They didn't understand that 'me' was never going to come back, I had changed and that was ok because it is how it is. Those that didn't understand that are not in my life now.

adrivtham how are you doing now?
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Old 08-13-2018, 07:03 AM #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: A year ago

Thank you all for the encourage words. Saturday went to the mass and then to diner and we all cried at the table. I post here because only the people that have been thru this understand the dimension of the pain. I have recently found two puppies abandoned and I took them home but honestly I am not ready so I am looking for a home for them. So I mentioned this to a couple of friends and they said, well they can fill you with the emptiness of the loss or your husband and father I have been crying of anger for two days ....How insensitive this "friends". Like many said we never going to be over .
I did all I could for my husband, I worked during the day and took care of him in the afternoon and at night, his mother said to me not ever feel guilty but there were nights were I was exhausted and wanted so badly sleep, it kills me to thing I wasn't good enough.. . Them my dad was so sick and I couldn't visit him and stay as much as he needed. .... Sorry I am here venting and expressing this sorrow ... and no helping others I am so sad this days.
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Old 08-14-2018, 07:35 AM #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: A year ago

Your MIL is correct, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You were an awesome Caregiver to you husband! You did everything you could. You would not be human if you did not have times of “not wanting to” or being too tired.

I also understand about your Dad. I am going through a similar thing with my folks and Brian right now

Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Praying for peace for you.

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Old 08-14-2018, 02:34 PM #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: A year ago

Thank You Sue, you are a hero.
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