I want those days back

[sunandsea]

I'm sitting here and trying to catch up on so many posts and so many stories. I've tried to do this a few times and it's difficult to keep reading. Maybe it's the memories and the reminders of what life was like. My heart goes out to all of you dealing with the disease, either as cals or pals, and all those who are grieving because they have lost someone dear and loved. I know I should be replying to so many and I don't know what to say. I used to sit up and read the posts and learn and get encouragement and feel connected to others going through difficult days and now I'm sitting alone, wishing so desperately that those days were still here. I miss my pals so much. There are times I still can't believe he's gone. When do you believe it? When do the waves of grief that come over you suddenly and without warning, stop? I don't want to not remember and it hurts to remember. Sorry - just rambling thoughts.

 

[lgelb]

Sun, you will never not remember, but it will hurt less, I promise. Post when you feel like it and don't feel guilty when you don't. There is no "should." You have been through trauma and whatever aids your recovery is the right thing, right now.

Best,
Laurie

 

[lgelb]

Sun, you will never not remember, but it will hurt less, I promise. Post when you feel like it and don't feel guilty when you don't. There is no "should." You have been through trauma and whatever aids your recovery is the right thing, right now.

Best,
Laurie

 

[Jlynn]

I feel your pain Sun...I'm right there with you so I'm not really sure what to say. I had a day yesterday where I just sat and said to myself "he's really gone...it really happened" and even now I still can't wrap my head around it. I as well miss my PALS so terribly I would take those tough days back in a heart beat just to have him. Kind of selfish of me I guess because at least now he's at peace and doesn't have to watch his body fail him. Hugs to you Sun. I hope for all of us that have had our hearts crushed better days ahead.

 

[Narrowminded]

Sun i am sending you hugs as I did Sooner. Can’t know your pain or anguish yet, but I can hold you from afar.

Hugs,

Sue

 

[codyclan]

On Feb 26, It will be a year since I lost my dear PALS. The past month or so has been pretty good for me and I am starting to feel more like myself in many ways. And then today, in the middle of a random conversation with a stranger at a party the wave hit again, very unexpectedly. I pulled it together and it passed just as quickly. So, yes it hurts less and the waves are shorter and more manageable but still present. And I still haven’t cleaned out his dresser, because.... well, just because, I guess. So do what you need to do, Sun, on your timetable because that’s what’s right for you.

 

[soonerwife]

I know how you all feel for sure! I can't say that I want the bad days back... I just want my husband back, the person he was before ALS took him from me.

It's only been 6-7 weeks for me... I haven't removed anything of his except the medical equipment that I couldn't get out of sight quick enough. I don't know how to live life without him. I miss our life so much.

I hope everyone finds what work for them. Whatever that is, is the thing. Be kind to yourself.

I am trying to put together a little trip for anyone that would like to. I know it's really hard for the CALS that are still taking care of PALS. Would any of you all be interested in a look weekend with other CALS and past CALS?

Hugs friends!

 

[affected]

As I head to 4 years since Chris died I still want him back - I can still feel a real pang of shock that it really did happen - it really was ALS and it really did take him. It feels like a weird dream, or a story that I know, and then it hits that it really was what it was.

But I can tell you that while I would trade everything I have now to have Chris back in a heartbeat, I have found much beauty and joy in life and I can talk of Chris with a smile and laugh about good times.

 

[Jlynn]

Tillie...I know what you mean about the feeling of "did this all really happen". It all still feels so surreal. Like a dream or a story. I feel that when I start thinking about my PALS. I feel so "normal" here. You all get it. I'm so grateful for this forum and all of you wonderful people here.