Old 10-11-2017, 12:43 PM #1 (permalink)
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Default Two months yesterday

Hi, Just looking for someone to talk to. I feel so depressed the past few days. I mean I've been sad and have my moments but it just feels like it's taken over my body. I keep picturing Jay when his breathing slowed and then his final breath. I go to work every day and then to go to my parents house to pick up my dog and usually eat with them and then go home to a very lonely house and listen to sad music and cry every night. Our and smoke way to many cigarettes. My dog goes with my parents because he has separation anxiety and tries to break out of the house. He's pushed out air conditioners and gotten out of the house. When we got him Jay was on disability. He always raised pitbulls and was hoping this one would protect me since he couldn't. Well my little boy is scared of everything so I'm not sure that will happen. But I've developed this separation anxiety with my dog as well. I hate leaving him. I know it's not healthy but I feel like he's all I have now. He was our dog and now he's just mine. I refuse to go anywhere because I don't want to leave him - except for work. I'm sure it's underlying issues but it doesn't make it any easier. If I absolutely have to go somewhere, I'm sick to my stomach until I can be back home with him. I haven't gone to counseling or anything and I know I should i just can't get myself to do anything. And I'm so tired of people at work telling I'm too skinny. Well first of all, I have always been thin and second of all they need to give my some time. My husband passed away two months ago and for three years I provided all his care. I mean give me a break. Or they tell me I have circles under my eyes. Yea, I do. It's probably from crying all evening and then waking up during the nights stressing about everything. What is wrong with people? I feel like I'm going to explode on the next person that makes a comment about my appearance. And if they're so concerned then they should have been at my house helping or at least seeing what it is like to care for someone with ALS.

I know this is all over the place I have just have so much that needs to be let out. Thank you for listening.

Amy
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Old 10-11-2017, 01:37 PM #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two months yesterday

Hi Amy,
Today is two months for me since my husband passed.
I do totally understand how you feel. I think I have aged a lot since my husband was diagnosed. I cry every day as well.
The only thing that helps me is to think that we all are here temporarily and at this moment he is free from the ALS monster.
All the physical and emotional pain that he suffered is gone...
I feel lonely and lost, the future has no color on it but this will pass.
Hugs
Adriana
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Old 10-11-2017, 11:25 PM #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two months yesterday

Amy, I'm sorry. And I'm responding to give you some minor comfort. You are going thru a terribly tough time and it is normal to feel that no one "gets it". Your co-workers don't know what to say - so they say dumb things, rather than present you with complete silence ...... which could be interpreted as not caring. Try to understand that they care and are expressing it the only way they know how. It's only been two months, but I am guessing they just don't know what to say to you?

Maybe you and your dog could go for walks together? I have had many dogs in my lifetime, and I imagine some walks would be very good for both of you. It won't change reality for you - nothing will. But, it may give you and your dog some much needed release of the pent up, raw emotion that you both share. Dogs are very perceptive. He has felt your sadness, frustration and loss & has less "brain power" to deal with it. Our Springer is much more protective of my PALS, and stays underfoot a lot. She's a good dog and loves us both, but I know she feels the stress & on-going changes going on.

Hugs to you Amy. Wishing you strength.

I hope you get some other words of encouragement from others who have gone thru exactly what you are now going thru.
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Old 10-12-2017, 08:56 PM #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two months yesterday

Amy,

I can't even begin to understand the pain you must be feeling, but know my thoughts are with you.

I second Buckhorn's advice about getting out with your dog for a daily walk. As a fellow dog- lover, I highly recommend activities you and your dog can do together. Besides daily walks, consider signing up for an agility class, or a dog training class, or a canine good citizen class if your dog already is very talented. Guaranteed this will reduce the separation anxiety for both you and your dog.

Counseling, when you're ready for it, probably will help a great deal. The fact you are bold enough to share some of your concerns with us on this forum is awesome. Keep sharing. We care.

Major hugs,
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Old 10-12-2017, 09:11 PM #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two months yesterday

I am quite heavily involved in two private groups specifically for people who have lost their life partner to ALS.

No one else can even come close to understanding. It's not just the grief, as if that wasn't enough, it's the PTSD that very many of us experience in whatever way it plays out. I know that I became obsessed with gardening, it truly was keeping my anxiety manageable, though at the time I didn't realise that I became anxious if I couldn't just knock myself out gardening as many hours per day as possible. I did often laugh and say I couldn't stop and that it was better than falling in a heap.

Many people tried to tell me I shouldn't try to stay living here, and many things I should be doing. People would make all kinds of comments or suggestions and then look at me like I wasn't even trying if I didn't want to do what they thought was best. I learned to shut them all out and listen to myself and my needs.

But at the end of the day you must grieve your own way. Yep I believe if you can find a good counsellor you click with, this will truly help you to work through it.

But at the end of the day you have to go through it, and it will be your own journey and only you can figure what works and what doesn't.

I was numb for a long time, not a crying heap at all, but my obsession with gardening gives much away to me now looking back.

It will not be like this forever I can promise you that. But it won't be all good in a very short time either. If you need a private place to talk this through, let me know.
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Old 10-13-2017, 07:55 AM #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two months yesterday

Tillie,
Wow, your response is so good.. it is so true for people that haven't been thru this is hard to understand.... How I can get in those private groups?. I want to hear how others handle the PTSD. Losing a life partner leave us so empty. People tells me I need to go to get counsel but I don't think that will help. I have to live and grieve no escape .
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Old 10-13-2017, 12:37 PM #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two months yesterday

Dear Amy,

honey you are going thru so much right now--please be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. What you lived thru is much more than most will face. the flashbacks of him sick and dying are hard to erase, and part of the PTSD that you(and all cals) suffer. first off, 2 months is not very long. really. it is ok that you are grieving hard still. you are on your journey thru this, no one else's timetable matters. is there anyway you could go stay with your parents for a couple of months? you and the dog I mean. the two of you need to stay together and you don't need to be alone so much. my dog also was Lonny's dog after he got sick, and Daisy was obviously depressed and stressed for several months after Lonny died.

maybe you could set just one goal for yourself each day--and it can be the same one, big or little, doesn't matter. don't make them cumulative and if you fail the goal know it is ok you can try it again tomorrow. it could be as simple as making a hair appointment for yourself, or watching a comedy movie and not listening to sad music, or eating a healthy dinner instead of nothing or junkfood, taking the dog for a walk after work. slowly one day at a time things will get better, even though it wont be a straight line and there will always be bad days when you least expect it.

I am at 2 years, and it is mostly all good for me now. but there are days and thoughts that still take my breathe away, just out of the blue and completely without any reason. One day, in the next few months, you will realize, "I didn't think about my dear one all day!" or "wow, I haven' cried all week!" or the real amazing thing -- you will feel happiness again or laugh for real and you will notice!

I highly recommend therapy for anyone in our shoes, and perhaps even an anti depressant until you get past the worst of it. both of these things can help you forgive yourself and see things more clearly.

hugs to you Amy
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Old 10-13-2017, 12:39 PM #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two months yesterday

Amy and Adriana the three of us are in the same boat since our PALS passed at around the same time...
I also cry every day. I come home every night to an empty home... sometimes I stay at work later than I should because I dread going back. I have a cat but in some strange way I have become more detached from my cat... she is very needy and it drives me crazy. I see her as a burden and I find I don't have the ability to give love right now - it's like something died in me the day I buried my husband.
Often at the end of they day I am flooded by memories of finding my husband dead... it is an image that is engraved in my brain. I also go through old texts and emails and photographs on my phone...
I feel like I aged 10 years.
I had a physical this week and my doctor asked me if I was depressed. I told him I didn't think so, that this was just the natural process of grieving... I don't see the point of counseling. As others have said, this is something you just have to live through but it hurts.
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Old 10-13-2017, 01:13 PM #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two months yesterday

Hi Amy,

My husband passed away 2 1/2 months ago and I wake up every day not being sure what range of emotions I will experience throughout the day and they can sometimes be overwhelming. The reality that Kevin will never again walk through the house, have a meal with us, be there to send a text to during a long and boring work meeting, or be at our children's middle school/high school graduations, marriages or meet his future grandchildren can be all consuming some days. I have no answers on how to grieve and cope but please know that you are in the thoughts of others and that I (a complete stranger) hope that you will find what helps you achieve peace and comfort through this time. I have two children (11 and 15) and we face this new reality day to day. We have a dog as well and after Kevin passed he became extremely anxious about us leaving for any amount of time because my husband had been home for the past year with him. For my family, we decided to rescue two abandoned kittens. There have been some adjustment challenges with having them but they have added love and laughter to our days. And our dog has settled down since they moved in. He has begun to "take care" of them and he isn't alone. They greet us, hang out with us and purr as soon as we touch them! They are helping us with our grieving process. I know that kittens aren't for everyone (and I questioned it for us!) but when I looked deep enough and let my heart decide I took the plunge. I'm grateful that I did. I believe we all have the strength and the internal knowledge to help ourselves heal.....we just need to trust ourselves. I'm not sure if this makes sense, I tend to ramble sometimes! My thoughts are with you.

Kim
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Old 10-18-2017, 02:44 PM #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two months yesterday

HI Amy,
I lost my PALS 5 weeks ago. He was my brother and lived with me as he was single and I was his caregiver. I have felt like my world has stopped while everything around me just continues on. In this kind of fog. Crying less every day yet still crying everyday. My sadness comes from missing his presence so much but I have learned that it's the thinking about the whole journey and all that we went through together that makes me the saddest for some reason. The wishing I had done this or that or said more or done more. Deep in my heart I know I did the best I could but I think it's going to take time to come to the surface. Time. It's what we all need to heal. Hang in there.
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