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Staying strong

Active member
Joined
Nov 20, 2014
Messages
78
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
5/2011
Country
US
State
ct
City
danbury
Greetings all.. The time has come to start getting the house on the Market.. My Daughter and I just can't stay.. although Liz didn't pass on here it's just a comfortable
Place.. at night I can still hear the suction machine etc running. I know Liz would understand but after 22 years together and raising our 2 kids here it's tough..after 5 years of living the als nightmare there's so muc that has been neglected.. every drawer and box I open just kills me.. and I'm just not ready for my G/F to help with these tasks.. heck I still haven't brought myself to shut her cell phone off..Still fighting the feelings of guilt of finding happiness and living my life not as a caregiver... our new
home will be shared with my G/F and her 2 kids whom my kids have known since they were little. And Dayle has promised my daughter there will be a " Mommy Wall " for pictures etc of my Daughters choice.. it's just all way more than I can handle at times.
I just miss my Liz so Much
 
It sounds like your next home will be filled with happiness, as Liz would want for you. I won't tell you not to be guilty, but you will be less guilty as time goes on. You can miss her and still be at peace. And you will know when it's time to turn off her phone.

Best,
Laurie
 
It's so hard to explain all the feelings and how they move and pain us inside.

As time passes and we face the grief and move through it, some of the really painful triggers ease and we find we can remember our partner with a smile and even a laugh at times.

In that first year or so, everything is painful, this is really normal. Cleaning everything up sucks and is really painful. Try not to pile too much guilt on the pain but just feel and accept that it does really hurt, we really want them not to have died, we really want our old lives back! That hurts, and it's horrible, but it's the reality.

So as you clean the house out, as you work through the grief, try to just do that, not add guilt. You didn't choose to have to figure out how to live without Liz, but you are alive and you do have a life ahead.

It takes time, there is no magic amount and it's all better, it just takes time and we grieve. Hugs to you, no one told me how hard the grief would be!
 
It's an old piece of advice, but try not to make any big decisions in the first year. As you go through the first year everything is the first time since your loved one died. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, the list goes on. And it really SUCKS! But as time goes on, and this may take a long time, the thought of them will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. You can always move, but I'm willing to bet there are a lot of happy memories in your house too. Give yourself time to adjust. And as i always say, guilt is alcohol soluble. You can't run from the pain, you just have to go through it. You can do it now or later, but you will go through it. Just don't lose the happy memories through a rash decision. Peace be with you.
Vincent
 
Mega dittoes on Greg's post.

Don't get rid of photos and other scrapbook memories. Just store them until you're more stabilized in a few years.
 
I am in the process of selling my house too. I cant wait for it to go...

It took me months to sort and purge the house of 22 years worth of stuff. I was lucky, I asked a friend to help me one day early on--and she was able to motivate me to move along and not become bogged down. having someone with you keeps you on your toes and not get too wrapped up in some little thing you find or memory that rises up.

the hardest room was my husband's office that he sat in every single day for the last 10 years of his life. I purged and packed that room 4 times! the third time was with a friend again, and it helped me let go of some stuff. she actually packed up everything I said I would let go of and put it in her car so I would not change my mind. LOL.

The saddest day was when I went thru his box of memories--cried my self sick reading letters and seeing his handwriting and sweet pictures of his youth. didn't get rid of a single thing (except the romantic pics of him with his HS girlfriend). I am moving to a much smaller house, so I sold a lot of furniture too. the office furniture and the bedroom furniture were both heart wrenching as they left the house.

my advice is take it slow if you can, with a move in mind but not a deadline if possible. not yet unless you have to move. have a bag for garbage, a box for keepers and a box for maybes. hopefully the maybes box wont bog you down. I agree with mike, don't trash any photos or scrapbooks for a few years. my daughter was with me that day and wouldn't even let me look at the pictures, she just boxed everything up and said "later".

I took a really long time to do all this but I feel good about it. I started purging about a month before my husband's one year anniversary and finished last month --so 6 months!

By the way--it is so freeing to get rid of so much "stuff". it makes me feel like I can start fresh and even with out the stuff I still have all my memories.
 
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