Guilty about Living My Life

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Staying strong

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Joined
Nov 20, 2014
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78
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
5/2011
Country
US
State
ct
City
danbury
Greetings All: It's been 9 months since Liz Passed after Our 5 Year ALS journey. Not a Day Goes by without thinking about her. Part of Me is emberassed to Say that I've started a new relationship. The guilt is horrible at times and other times I feel like I deserve some happiness after Being Dad-Mom-Husband-Caregiver- bread winner for 5 solid years. ( like many of you all ) Some people are genuinely happy that I'm happy. Thankful 2 of them are My Children. But some can't believe I've moved on so soon. I'm so conflicted and Miss My Liz so very much at the same time..
 
You cared for Liz for five years...and mourned her the entire time. If you have found comfort and your children are happy for you, I'm sure that Liz would approve. Those who don't understand, well, they truely don't understand. Be happy.
 
Liz would be very happy to hear that you didn't let her death stop your life. Be at peace and enjoy what you have found; you will never forget what you felt with and learned from her, and your kids are living embodiments of that as well. Anyone who doesn't get that, that's only their problem.

Best,
Laurie
 
Don't feel guilty. I think it's awesome that you've found someone to befriend...and her, you. Liz would want for you to not be alone, know she couldn't be there. It's ok. Press forth, with vigor. Life is too short...we have seen that firsthand.

tc
 
I only hope i will be able to move on and pick up the pieces. This is hard, it's great that
you are enjoying life again. Don't listen to the negative people.
 
I have to say that I so hate those words "moved on".

Going into a relationship doesn't mean you have done anything except try to live a little. It's like they are saying it as though you are betraying someone who is no longer in this world, like she is living in the house with you.

Fly and be free. Think of yourself, and know yourself and your motives and hang the false attitudes of others.

My goodness, if you can find a shred of happiness and connection to another human being GO FOR IT!!!!

Surely if we learned anything it should have been that life is too short to waste a moment of it!

Guilt is the most useless emotion there is in connection with this topic my friend.
 
My father died 10 years before my mother, when I was 34. I have 3 siblings.

We were all delighted when my mother started dating again.

Not everyone will see things that way, but for us we were glad to see my mother living her life again.

It is what I want for my wife after I am gone.

Steve
 
A friend of mine was diagnosed with a potentially terminal disease. One of the first things she acknowledged was her desire for her partner to be able to move on if she died. She enlisted her friends and the people who knew her partner best and made us promise to make sure he knew he had her blessing and encouragement to seek companionship and love when she was gone. She struggled with it, and felt jealous knowing someone else could be intimate with her widower, but couldn't bear the thought he would be lonely.

Complicated stuff to unpack, but super important for anyone to believe they are deserving of love, companionship and a fulfilling life after the death of a loved one. This does not mean you aren't allowed to mourn though, or you're not mourning the "right" way. It just means you also deserve joy in equal balance.
 
oCan I add something on the subject, just in case other people in the future read this thread?

I recommend that survivors see a compassionate therapist. Then start dating.

Survivors might like to give their grief some structure. I found that I was so sad at bedtime, thinking about how much my PALS suffered and how much she lost that I actually became afraid of going to bed at night. Eventually, I structured my sorrow, by giving myself 15 minutes to be sad in bed, then I would say to myself: "Time to listen to rock music and go to sleep." Eventually my evening sadness became less painful and less frequent. Now my thoughts of my wife are almost entirely happy ones.

There is no term in the English language that properly conveys what we CALS need to do, so I'll just be crass: <EDITTED OUT> I mean that if we are so inclined, we need to re-enter normal society. Seeing other people can help with that.
 
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A friend of mine was diagnosed with a potentially terminal disease. One of the first things she acknowledged was her desire for her partner to be able to move on if she died. She enlisted her friends and the people who knew her partner best and made us promise to make sure he knew he had her blessing and encouragement to seek companionship and love when she was gone. She struggled with it, and felt jealous knowing someone else could be intimate with her widower, but couldn't bear the thought he would be lonely.

Complicated stuff to unpack, but super important for anyone to believe they are deserving of love, companionship and a fulfilling life after the death of a loved one. This does not mean you aren't allowed to mourn though, or you're not mourning the "right" way. It just means you also deserve joy in equal balance.
Shiftkicker.. Thank You.. And to your Point I'm lucky enough to Have 2 of Liz's oldest friends (40 plus years ) to lean on and to give me support and encouragement during this time. She had expressed to Myself and to her friends her hopes for my future. Makes it a touch easier at times.
 
Staying strong I have found people of both sexes have been supportive in very different ways. My therapist told me to do things that make me happy....if it doesnt, let it go. I have jumped in with both feet...we have whimsical dishes, I have repainted a couple rooms in lighter, more pleasing colors. We, my son and I, have travelled on our terms. No schedules, just rest and relaxing.

I am sure, when my husband looks down at us, he is shaking his head. But we are doing things in a way that works for us, valuing ourselves,our feelings, and our happiness. No one who hasnt lived your life will understand what you lived thru. Go, be happy, cherish your memories and make new ones.
 
My Therapist had me make an appointment with a Psychologist next Wednesday. She believes I'm suffering from PTSD. I'm not sure how I feel about that label. And I'm a bit nervous about it. My anxiety level at times is thru the roof and its making my 17 year old daughter worried about Me. I still just tell her I'm tired.
 
To be honest - we cared for our soul mate through the most desperately hellish medical condition - if we don't have a reaction to the stress of doing that afterwards how are we human????

Get help, it doesn't mean you are any less of a person, or you somehow have not managed when you should have. It means what we did was HUGE and we should take all the help we can get xxx
 
I see a counselor from time to time still. I will probably never come off my anxiety meds. My neuro has also said ptsd.....I think once uou have dealt with death,dying, and disease it leaves its mark. Thru time, it has gotten much more difficult to deal with the most mundane things if I havent taken my meds. There is only so much your mind and body can take...
 
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