Almost a year

[starente15]

Hi everyone. I was doing pretty well over the summer. The flashbacks ended, I still missed my dad but I wasn't obsessing over death and dying every day. I got hired full-time at my job after six months as a consultant so that was great news.

Next month, 11/28, will be the one year anniversary which I can't even believe.

Anxiety is starting to creep back in and I find myself randomly crying these days. I'm feeling overwhelmed at work, doubting myself and feeling like I could fail at any time.

For those who remember, two weeks after my dad passed, I was laid off from my previous job. I feel that the time I was away caring for him played a role in that decision even though I'll never be sure. I have this fear that if I get too emotional and fall back into anxiety/depression it could affect my work at my new job and the same thing could happen.

Really just need a place to vent as I don't think this is rational but my mind keeps going there.

 

[lgelb]

Star, it is only natural for the depression to wax and wane. It's biochemistry, not something you choose. Anticipating the end of the first year is certainly part of it. And anxiety is just another point on that spectrum.

I doubt very much that you will fail at work. It is more likely that you are in the subconscious-to-conscious "how can life be going on 'normally'?" phase [that I am still in in year 2 but less than I was].

You might try re-reading some of your past work there, listing some of the accomplishments, and making a to-do list around feeling less overwhelmed, whether putting some stressors/projects to bed or just ignoring certain people/things.

Likewise, if there are things that you want to accomplish outside work that have gotten lost in the shuffle, documenting some of these and developing your action plan could help you feel unstuck.

Above all, remember that your dad always wanted you to be happy and loved, and to know your own self-worth, and that is something to be happy about still.

Best,
Laurie

 

[affected]

Hi star,

yes, that first anniversary coming up can be often more stressful than the day itself

Just be kind to yourself, you have a right to grieve, and a right to grieve however you need to!

Vent here as much as you need as this date approaches if it helps to let some of that grief out. I really understand it, I have had some awful times anticipating a date approaching. Others may say crap about being rational, but grieving is a thing of the heart.

I can understand your fear, but things don't have to repeat. Maybe you can even let some people know that you are finding it hard to approach this date and they may be more understanding than you expect. Huge hugs to you my friend xx

 

[starente15]

Thank you Laurie and Tillie

Another huge stressor is that my brother and I suspect my mother may be developing Alzheimer's. Too long of a story but she has major memory problems and host of other physical issues. All of this happening less than a year after my father passing is just overwhelming. My brother tries to help her but things just aren't getting taken care of. I've decided that I can help from here but I won't be able to take a leave of absence again this soon. Every day brings a new challenge and frustration and I'm at my wits end.

 

[affected]

oh that's really tough about your mum Christine

I hope your brother can step up for the moment and help with her.

I had so much loss in that first year after Chris I still wonder how I survived it at all. It's why even now we need to just do one day at a time xxx

 

[starente15]

Just heard from him. He's been trying to get her to make needed doctor's appointments. The ones she needs the most, she refuses to make or let him or I help in getting them booked. She's never been healthy and has a history of going to the hospital at least once a year for one crisis or another. We know where this is heading and unfortunately will have to wait until everything implodes. Until then, day by day then it is! ugh

 

[Barbie]

I found that the month leading up to the anniversary was the toughest month, filled with memories and bad feelings. I tried to be extra nice to myself, not make any life changing decisions (failed at that one!), and just tried to go with the flow of emotions and feelings.

I will say that after the actual anniversary I felt like a weight was lifted off me. there is something about that one year mark that is a big deal. you have a bunch of stuff to deal with, I am so sorry to hear. I suggest you let brother continue to deal with mom's issues.

hugs

 

[texastc]

I just crossed the 1 yr day last Friday. I have to agree w Barbie and Tillie in the facts that the days leading up to the 'day' were harder than the 'Day' itself. Lots of memories, some dreams...on my mind a bunch. I had some good things happen in the last days leading up to it (day)...gave me the feeling Tracy was looking out for me. Nice feeling.

Advice is...do what you have to do to deal with it, knowing they are coming should help. The feelings you are having are okay to have. It will ease a bit after the 'day' has passed, but...now 3 days into year 2...the hole she left in my life when she went on, is still the same as it was 3 days before... That does, however, equal...6 days stronger...more able to better press forth. With vigor. Some days vigor is hard to find. That's normal I think.

tc

 

[scaredwifetx]

Star, I have admired your strength and remember almost all of your posts. Moments, memories, pain and anger will happen when we suffer a great loss. Just talking here will help and I know you know that we are so very proud of you. You contribute to so many here and I know that you are one though lady. Prayers for your mother and for you.