Still feeling numb... is this normal?

[poppies]

Hi everyone. I am reaching out because I am feeling so down and wonder whether this is normal. It has been five and a half months since Iven's passing and I still feel so empty and lost. Life goes on and I am busy looking after my girls, the dogs, the house, staying on top of my studies, and I am doing my marathon training again. We have been on a couple of lovely trips to beautiful places here in South Africa. We leave on Thursday to spend ten days in beautiful Cape Town with my eldest brother. I am planning to relocate there in 18 months when both my girls will be at University there. But despite all these positives I still feel numb. My heart just hurts. I just want Iven back. I miss him so very much. Every moment of every day. Everyone else around me seems to have moved on and I try to put on a brave face and pretend I have too, but I still feel so much pain and sadness. I feel lost inside. I just don't know what to do. Will I ever feel joy again?

 

[affected]

I'm glad you posted Marg!

I'll be totally honest here.

The whole first year was horrible for me, and in some ways though less torrid, the second year was as bad. Finally in my third year I'm feeling myself come around to the new shape I'm making of my life. For much of that first year, every month that went by only seemed to make it more real that he was truly gone forever.

I do find a lot of joy, but I won't ever be the same again. There is a Chris-shaped hole in my life, there always will be. I don't believe we 'get over it'. We do live, we do find ways to have a wonderful life, but the other half of us is gone. Fact.

I say that I've learned to 'walk with a limp'. You know like if you have a severe injury, you heal, you learn to do things, but you are always affected by the injury.

I now talk about Chris with a smile and often a laugh.

Trust me when I say - your loss is still very recent and raw, 5.5 months is not very long at all! I was truly grateful when someone I hadn't know before recently asked me how long since Chris died and when I said a little over 2 years this person said - oh wow not very long ago at all then, it is still early days. I so appreciated that someone could recognise that we aren't just 'over it' in a few weeks or months.

 

[lgelb]

Hi, Marg,
A few months shy of 2y for me, and still very vivid. I don't think it's abnormal at all. I have not moved on, just try to keep moving, period.

Best,
Laurie

 

[poppies]

Ah, Tillie and Laurie, thanks so much for getting in touch. You know just when and how to say the right thing. It is so good to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. Someone said to me that grief is like a bobbing cork... sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down... very true. I had a very bad day yesterday, but feeling a little better today. I just feel so alone. Funny enough even more so when I have people around me. Iven was my person. We knew each other inside and out and I am feeling the loss of that connection in a big way. Tille, I am so glad that you are feeling some joy again, and Laurie I will keep you in my thoughts as you try to move on... not even two years... that is early days. Sending you both lots of love.

 

[Loverly]

Kathy died December 20 and I feel like I just started mourning this week. I've been crying off and on for a few days. Now that my dad is on the mend I have a nagging feeling that I just can't move onto anything else until give Kathy her due. I feel so lonely, despite my dad also mourning. I can't quite explain how I feel, but it's as if I lost my partner in arms and I left a man behind, and no one else seems to understand how I feel.

 

[Barbie]

you don't heal on anyone else's timeline--this is your journey. 5 months is nothing so be kind to yourself. it sounds like you are doing are doing well for such a short time so don't worry that you still feel numb. I miss my husband so much, and think of him everyday. now at 9 months it is worse than it was in the beginning, maybe because I didn't feel strong grief right after he died. This summer has been rough for me--so many terrible memories from last summer as my Lonny declined. I think there will always be ups and downs and I think that others on the outside looking in will not see that--they just see that we are smiling on the outside and don't want to think that we are still hurting on the inside.

 

[gooseberry]

So agree, ladies. 4 months in and the numbness is wearing off. All the things to be done after a loved one has died have been completed. Now I sit and think and make myself half nuts. I cant muster the energy to do very much. So, I am making it a goal to eat better and start shedding the weight I gained while Steve was ill. Baby steps that help me feel better. Julien, my son, and I have long talks about Steve. He really misses him too. We are going to start having a short walk after dinner each night. A little break from our days where we reconnect.

Try to find something for you. I am getting weekly massages to ease the discomfort . It relaxes me, I feel better, and mentally I am relaxed. Steph

 

[jcat]

I don't think there is "normal" ever again. It is close to a year (10 days away) since I lost my wonderful husband of 33 years and I think that "normal" is whatever you happen to be feeling at the time. I think I may feel joy again, but it will always be tinged with the sadness of not being able to share it with the love of my life. I know exactly how you feel about watching everyone else getting on with their lives, but feeling that I can't get on with mine. I continue to go through the motions of living my life; working, going out with friends, travelling, etc. but every moment the sadness is there, just beneath the surface. My boss said to me, when I returned to work, "just fake it till you make it", and that's exactly how I have made it through the last year.