6 months later, I'm angry

[DreamsEnd]

I cried a little the day he was DX'd and last week at Arlington National Cemetery as he was so beautifully interned. That's it but I'm surprised at the anger I feel over little and big things. I'd been mostly numb, doing paperwork only enough to deal with "must dos" but mostly just trying to keep my head above water, sleeping, avoiding and then sicker than a dog for the past month. Until two days before my flight I wasn't sure I'd be able to go. I was still coughing 24/7 and very short of breath in spite of 2 ER visits and 3 more to my primary. Walking to gates was hard as I had to stop and catch my breath but I made it.
The Navy did him proud and it was a warm, tender honor. His children and many grands, siblings and friends attended.
I was angry at the obese woman in the seat next to me on the plane. I'm angry at my three adult sons. I asked them to attend and said I'd pay all expenses but one had spring break plans with his family in Phoenix, one had to work, have no idea about the third. I feel selfish as they buried their own father just 6 months ago so I'm guessing it is fresh for them. But my PALs was their good friend and step father and my love.
I've always been the strong, supportive one who mostly raised my guys and their severely disabled sister by myself. I've been the "I understand, it's ok" one but not now. I am ignoring their calls and texts. Normally one cals maybe once a month, one weekly and the other maybe returns a call 3 times a year. They all knew, mostly after the fact, how sick I was. I've lived in AZ for 8 years and I've/we've traveled to visit them often. One has been here twice for one night only. One would come for one day after a week long fun plans in Phoenix. The third would add on a day with business trips to see me but has never brought his family although he's a million miler. I know they have families which is why I've gone to them but their choices have been trips to Italy, DisneyLand and DisneyWorld, Hawaii, cruises, etc. that is their priority.
I think the service at Arlington opened me up and now I'll start the grieving. I have a counselor appointment next week.

I know I sound bratty & self centered but I can unload here.

Sherry

 

[JimInVA]

Read this to my PALS... she did not find you bratty & self-centered. You are right to care for yourself, now.

Jim & Darcey

 

[lgelb]

Sherry,
It's been > a year for me and I still find it difficult to listen to everyone's "first world problems," whether on a sidewalk, at work, etc., especially when they hold everyone but themselves accountable.

I think many? all? of us who have been through the CALS journey see the world through a different lens and it is never really the same.

Feel better and be good to yourself!

Best,
Laurie

 

[affected]

I can identify Sherry!

Whilst I feel your things about the sons are valid, anger is also a part of grief - so add the two together ....

A counsellor will really help you figure out how to deal with these things. They are what they are, but you can decide how to deal with them xxx

 

[Atsugi]

Sherry, I always promise not to diagnose people, but you described a very classic case of depression. (It's a very poorly named illness.) Fortunately it's treatable and temporary. Unfortunately, when I was depressed after Krissy died, I said and did a couple life-changing things that I can't fix now. So I see a shrink monthly and take a pill. After a couple of years, I began to feel happy again, and the sadness at bedtime went away.

Yes, your kids have their own priorities. In my uneducated and inexperienced opinion, the important thing is to have a good relationship with them throughout the future years. Since they're young (ish), you really can't expect them to help out like they should. So I suggest you try to understand them and let them off the hook. JMHO.

 

[Nuts]

Sherry, I'd feel angry also. I'm so sorry that your children haven't been there for you, and I don't think you are being bratty. You've been through an aweful ordeal, and your body and mind need time to heal. Take it. I hope that eventually you can calmly let your sons know that you needed them and will need them in the future, and then let it go.

I'm glad to came back to vent here. I often wonder how you are doing.
Becky

 

[gooseberry]

Sherry, After Steve died, I started to sleep again. It is 11 to 12 hrs on avg a night, often with a nap. If you arent sleeping that can be part of the problem. Short term use of anxiety meds, exercising, seeing a counsellor, eating high quality food, and getting enough sleep will all help your anger.

Should it be different with your family, absolutely....but it isnt. After the anger dies down and you can talk with them without getting too upset, I would have a sit down with each of them. Let them know how much it has hurt you to have no support from them. Yes they have recently lost their dad but that should make them more compassionate, at least ideally.

Steve's sister tried to come over after his service and the next day. I said no. Julien and I needed the time. I suggested she spend some time with her mom, who was quite distraught, instead of going to Orlando.

Just my thoughts. Steph

 

[affected]

Sherry it's been interesting with my kids, rather than Chris's kids.

My younger daughter suddenly wanted to buy a copy of my book.
She read it and became quite depressed as she finally realised what we had both been through (all the kids stayed away as much as possible).

Now my youngest son's girlfriend got a copy and she would read a bit then sit and cry with him. He hasn't read it yet, but she says she realises that not only did they stay right away and not understand what was happening, but when a neighbour of hers had MND she realises that because she couldn't talk, she avoided her completely. She now realises that this woman was going through hell and she left her alone.

So all I'm saying is, it can take a long time, but one day they may realise things about their attitudes and actions.

All you can do is concentrate on YOU. They will or will not realise anything, but you can work on how you deal with your anger. A counsellor will really help you with this, and you will get through it.

But after ALS, I've found for me, nothing in the world seems the same anymore, and everyone else's problems just seem so trivial!

 

[gooseberry]

Julien and I say to family all the time" You werent here living it every day". Nobody knows but those in your house, the struggles you both go through. Hugs, Sherry.

 

[DreamsEnd]

Jim, thanks!! That your PALs felt that meant a lot to me.

Sherry

 

[DreamsEnd]

Laurie,
You're so right about the different lenses.
Thanks for your support.
Sherry

 

[DreamsEnd]

Thanks Tillie!

Hugs,
Sherry

 

[DreamsEnd]

Becky, I've so loved your posts on here. Thank you for your loving advice!

Sherry
PS I don't know when I should use quote function so please forgive my awkwardness and not seemless replies.

 

[DreamsEnd]

Dear Steph,
You're my sisters and brothers who have helped me all along this journey and beyond as I've watched yours. What a blessing this community is. Yes, I've been sleeping and napping more than I could have imagined! Love your suggestion to wait and talk without anger. I will.
Sherry

 

[DreamsEnd]

D at Mike,

Such words of wisdom you've shared again. You always say it as you see it, but gently so I appreciate it greatly. Yes, I'm taking a pill, have been for a year and perhaps it time to up the strength! This anger has caught me off guard and it's something I've pushed down for years. I love your suggestion to not burn bridges and I guess I intuitively know not do do that as I'm not talking or communicating with them right now. My sons are in their late 40's and early 50's so they are certainly old enough.
Jesse's passing and my recent illness has brought home my own mortality. I'm lucky if I have 5 to 10 years left. It's always been sweet and non p-real(don't discuss the real issues - their choice) with my kids and I'm feeling SO PAST THAT! They were in awe of my strength and care for Jesse, but maybe I need a little tender care myself. I've actually looked at independent living places that have the option to transition to greater care as needed. Not being able to breath and not knowing how much I might get back is very scary.

Thanks,
Sherry