- Status
Nikki J
Moderator
- Joined
- Mar 22, 2012
- Messages
- 16,459
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 04/2014
- Country
- US
- State
- MA
- City
- Boston
There are lots and lots if you do a web search for surviving spouse. I did not want to pick just one for you. They mostly start at the beginning so you can skip down the list.
Besides the regular things. What you decide to be with any equip you still have and VA benefits you may be eligible for
This link focuses on financial
A To-Do List for the Surviving Spouse
Besides the regular things. What you decide to be with any equip you still have and VA benefits you may be eligible for
This link focuses on financial
A To-Do List for the Surviving Spouse
gooseberry
Extremely helpful member
- Joined
- Jul 2, 2014
- Messages
- 3,501
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 5/2014
- Country
- US
- State
- FL
- City
- Tampa
Equipment, filing for benefits-va and non-va,who needs to be contacted,financial things to be done, legal items(housing and car title/deed), burial arrangments, donations/sale of items
Atsugi
Moderator emeritus
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2011
- Messages
- 5,921
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 12/2010
- Country
- US
- State
- FL
- City
- Orlando
I can give these tips:
- This is not a good time to make irrevocable decisions. During the first few months, my emotions changed and my decisions changed.I went shopping for motorcycles, RVs, and vacation villas. I put money down on a car I now laugh at.
- Don't quit your job. I quit my job, and I think now I should have gone to HR to work out a compromise instead.
- Don't be too quick to throw out stuff. I tossed a bunch of stuff into a dumpster, but now I wonder if that was a good idea.
- Go slow getting rid of his stuff. Even though it was easy and good to donate my wife's dresses, there were several items I just couldn't part with. It would make me cry to toss them. So I didn't. They take up space, sure, but they fill a space in my heart, too.
- Vacation if you can. You need the break for your head, body and heart to relieve the constant stress. I took my kids and their girlfriends to Europe for a week, which was probably the best thing I've done in decades.
- A ritual ceremony might be in order to mark the turning point from "grieving widow" to "happy person" once again. I don't really know if I've done this, but I know it's generally good advice. Maybe this should occur when you're ready, a year or more after a loved ones departure.
- I moved across town. Don't know if moving is a necessary thing, but I think it was good for me.
- Don't listen to me. Or maybe do. I don't know. Everybody is different. Your mileage may vary.
- Oh, yeah. Don't self medicate. I learned this early in my life--several times. Drinking is bad, counseling is good. Although I'm big believer in Better Living Through Chemistry, experience shows that your drug, dosage and frequency is better judged by a psychiatrist rather than a bartender.
- In younger years, I handled the loss of a significant relationship by forming new memories with more numerous, less significant relationships. But the new people got really confused and ended up really angry about that. So I guess that's more complicated than I realize. Can't give any advice on this, sorry.
- This is not a good time to make irrevocable decisions. During the first few months, my emotions changed and my decisions changed.I went shopping for motorcycles, RVs, and vacation villas. I put money down on a car I now laugh at.
- Don't quit your job. I quit my job, and I think now I should have gone to HR to work out a compromise instead.
- Don't be too quick to throw out stuff. I tossed a bunch of stuff into a dumpster, but now I wonder if that was a good idea.
- Go slow getting rid of his stuff. Even though it was easy and good to donate my wife's dresses, there were several items I just couldn't part with. It would make me cry to toss them. So I didn't. They take up space, sure, but they fill a space in my heart, too.
- Vacation if you can. You need the break for your head, body and heart to relieve the constant stress. I took my kids and their girlfriends to Europe for a week, which was probably the best thing I've done in decades.
- A ritual ceremony might be in order to mark the turning point from "grieving widow" to "happy person" once again. I don't really know if I've done this, but I know it's generally good advice. Maybe this should occur when you're ready, a year or more after a loved ones departure.
- I moved across town. Don't know if moving is a necessary thing, but I think it was good for me.
- Don't listen to me. Or maybe do. I don't know. Everybody is different. Your mileage may vary.
- Oh, yeah. Don't self medicate. I learned this early in my life--several times. Drinking is bad, counseling is good. Although I'm big believer in Better Living Through Chemistry, experience shows that your drug, dosage and frequency is better judged by a psychiatrist rather than a bartender.
- In younger years, I handled the loss of a significant relationship by forming new memories with more numerous, less significant relationships. But the new people got really confused and ended up really angry about that. So I guess that's more complicated than I realize. Can't give any advice on this, sorry.
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Atsugi
Moderator emeritus
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2011
- Messages
- 5,921
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 12/2010
- Country
- US
- State
- FL
- City
- Orlando
Equipment:
Some organizations will immediately burst in and take away their equipment: get a receipt or at least note who took what, when, to prevent confusion.
VA might not care about equipment. I called them to arrange for VA to pick up the PWC, but they said they had no procedure or policy about that, and it was "traditional" for the vet to simply donate his unneeded PWC to someone else. (Several people have reported the same thing.) So I gave away some REALLY expensive stuff to other PALS right here on this board. I charged for shipping and crating.
Non-VA organizations ALWAYS care about returning equipment. I ended up paying a couple hundred in rental fees for a BiPap machine that was in my garage in a box.
Atsugi
Moderator emeritus
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2011
- Messages
- 5,921
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 12/2010
- Country
- US
- State
- FL
- City
- Orlando
Surviving with the Memories:
In every quiet time, whether lying down to sleep, driving in the commute, or simply in the moment between customers at work, my mind went to my PALS and I felt sad she lost out on the rest of her life. My mind just kept going back to the time she burst into tears and said "It's just not fair!" I sometimes teared up, which I prefer not to do.
I used to think those were wasted moments, not needed and unnecessarily sad. But then I decided to give myself an appointed ten minutes just to think of my wife, and then I would move on to other things. That seemed to work better for me. Now my memories are happy.
Of course, we all think "get busy" and that is a good thing. But what about keeping the mind busy during those quiet moments? Now I have music playing around me 24/7. I'm online more than I should be, with the TV in the background.
You might disagree, but I don't celebrate my wife's birthday or our anniversary. I try to spend Christmas with relatives. Don't know if this is good or not, but it means planning in advance.
In every quiet time, whether lying down to sleep, driving in the commute, or simply in the moment between customers at work, my mind went to my PALS and I felt sad she lost out on the rest of her life. My mind just kept going back to the time she burst into tears and said "It's just not fair!" I sometimes teared up, which I prefer not to do.
I used to think those were wasted moments, not needed and unnecessarily sad. But then I decided to give myself an appointed ten minutes just to think of my wife, and then I would move on to other things. That seemed to work better for me. Now my memories are happy.
Of course, we all think "get busy" and that is a good thing. But what about keeping the mind busy during those quiet moments? Now I have music playing around me 24/7. I'm online more than I should be, with the TV in the background.
You might disagree, but I don't celebrate my wife's birthday or our anniversary. I try to spend Christmas with relatives. Don't know if this is good or not, but it means planning in advance.
Atsugi
Moderator emeritus
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2011
- Messages
- 5,921
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 12/2010
- Country
- US
- State
- FL
- City
- Orlando
Social Security:
The SS rules for survivors are more lenient. At age 60, I decided to receive a reduced benefit rather than wait until 65.
VA:
Remember that the VA education benefit is only good for 10 years after death.
STATE:
My state had death benefits for surviving families of veterans. Florida is paying my kids' tuitions.
The SS rules for survivors are more lenient. At age 60, I decided to receive a reduced benefit rather than wait until 65.
VA:
Remember that the VA education benefit is only good for 10 years after death.
STATE:
My state had death benefits for surviving families of veterans. Florida is paying my kids' tuitions.
Vincent
Senior member
- Joined
- Dec 30, 2013
- Messages
- 999
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 08/2014
- Country
- CA
- State
- ON
- City
- Barrie
Most funeral homes are a good resource, and these services are included in the price of the funeral. Other than that your ALSA person should be able to help with ALS specific stuf.
Vincent
Vincent
cheerleader
Senior member
- Joined
- Jul 6, 2013
- Messages
- 979
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 08/2012
- Country
- US
- State
- Midwest
- City
- Small town
Sherry, I published a lengthy one here lastnovember/December after my hubby died. Can't locate it but here are a few things to add to the above suggestions.
Contact all doctors, dentist, etc. to remove his file.
Get all utilities in your name and the bank. You will need to present a death certificate at your bank or credit union.
Contact your county tax assessor, mortgage holder if you have one- you will need the certificate or a copy on some of these.
To me, getting mail in his name, whether it was bills or from our car dealer updating us on car info, was SO painful, so I made sure much of that was eliminated by calls.
I made a LOT of phone calls to find out what was needed.
Unlike Mike, I found getting rid of his stuff as healing because I carefully thought through where he would want things to go! His clothes, extra boost, hearing aids, etc. went to homeless vets. The granddaughter who runs got his jogging shirts, the golfing daughter his clubs, etc. it was like a conversation with him for me to pick the perfect place that he would have chosen.
I also emailed out of town friends who wouldn't know of his death, and personally wrote heartfelt notes to those who stood by him/me during his battle with ALS. The notes were a must for our "angels" here on earth who made him feel loved and normal.
Keeping busy helped in those numbing first several weeks- but keep GOOD notes! I found I couldn't remember much of what I did without them! It was like a fog, but you keep going! Good luck, my dear. Hope this is helpful! Donna
Contact all doctors, dentist, etc. to remove his file.
Get all utilities in your name and the bank. You will need to present a death certificate at your bank or credit union.
Contact your county tax assessor, mortgage holder if you have one- you will need the certificate or a copy on some of these.
To me, getting mail in his name, whether it was bills or from our car dealer updating us on car info, was SO painful, so I made sure much of that was eliminated by calls.
I made a LOT of phone calls to find out what was needed.
Unlike Mike, I found getting rid of his stuff as healing because I carefully thought through where he would want things to go! His clothes, extra boost, hearing aids, etc. went to homeless vets. The granddaughter who runs got his jogging shirts, the golfing daughter his clubs, etc. it was like a conversation with him for me to pick the perfect place that he would have chosen.
I also emailed out of town friends who wouldn't know of his death, and personally wrote heartfelt notes to those who stood by him/me during his battle with ALS. The notes were a must for our "angels" here on earth who made him feel loved and normal.
Keeping busy helped in those numbing first several weeks- but keep GOOD notes! I found I couldn't remember much of what I did without them! It was like a fog, but you keep going! Good luck, my dear. Hope this is helpful! Donna
Nikki J
Moderator
- Joined
- Mar 22, 2012
- Messages
- 16,459
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 04/2014
- Country
- US
- State
- MA
- City
- Boston
cheerleader
Senior member
- Joined
- Jul 6, 2013
- Messages
- 979
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 08/2012
- Country
- US
- State
- Midwest
- City
- Small town
Nikki, you ARE one of the Angels here on earth. Thank you for always being on top of things!
Sherry, hope those posts help guide you on that NGOs you might have missed! Hugs. Donna
Sherry, hope those posts help guide you on that NGOs you might have missed! Hugs. Donna
rosec
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2012
- Messages
- 330
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 11/2009
- Country
- US
- State
- CA
- City
- Costa Mesa
Here is a link that covers more than just the financial aspects:
Surviving Spouse Financial Checklist
Surviving Spouse Financial Checklist
Green Queen
Very helpful member
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2015
- Messages
- 1,304
- Reason
- DX MND
- Diagnosis
- 4/2016
- Country
- AUS
- State
- Western Australia
- City
- By the beach
Oh man. This is the saddest necessary thread.
Mike you have worn your heart on your sleeve typing your posts.
There is so much to think about...difficult to grieve whilst dealing with the...aftermath I guess.
Another reason why CALS are marvellous.
Even though I have PLS there are some things here I think I better get on to. Will make things easier for Wayne when my body deserts me.
God bless, Janelle x
Mike you have worn your heart on your sleeve typing your posts.
There is so much to think about...difficult to grieve whilst dealing with the...aftermath I guess.
Another reason why CALS are marvellous.
Even though I have PLS there are some things here I think I better get on to. Will make things easier for Wayne when my body deserts me.
God bless, Janelle x
mytwoboys
Active member
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2009
- Messages
- 72
- Country
- US
- State
- OH
- City
- Canal Winchester
Sherry,
Make sure you have debit/credit cards issued in your name. I had POA and was using his debit card (my name was on the account - I just didn't have a card) since that was the deposit account for his disability checks. Within 2 days of his death, the banks picked up his social security number as "deceased" and turned off all the cards. Fortunately I had my own accounts with cards issued in my name.
It sounds like a petty thing to be worried about, but groceries, gas, etc. still need to be bought. Regular living things still need to happen. In my case, I had 2 young children that seem to always have immediate needs.
We had a great attorney and an employee at our bank that helped us through a lot of things.
Make sure you have debit/credit cards issued in your name. I had POA and was using his debit card (my name was on the account - I just didn't have a card) since that was the deposit account for his disability checks. Within 2 days of his death, the banks picked up his social security number as "deceased" and turned off all the cards. Fortunately I had my own accounts with cards issued in my name.
It sounds like a petty thing to be worried about, but groceries, gas, etc. still need to be bought. Regular living things still need to happen. In my case, I had 2 young children that seem to always have immediate needs.
We had a great attorney and an employee at our bank that helped us through a lot of things.
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