A little lost

[Hevnw8s]

Hello everyone.

I am very thankful for this forum. I read a lot of threads here but never post. I'm not sure why I come here, I guess I try to keep my mom fresh in my mind...I don't ever want to forget a thing about her. I cared for her until she passed way in 2010. She was my best friend and the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I miss her so much. Sometimes I start to forget the sound of her voice and it scares me. My heart aches that she's gone but at the same time I'm thankful she's not suffering anymore.

My mom had Bulbar ALS. The doctors told me I would lose her in a year and a half. I lost her in 6 months. Doctors said that was the fastest they had ever seen some one die.

I have a question for those who lost someone. Do any of you have regrets about the way you cared for your loved one and wish you could go back and do it over? I see all of these families doing all these wonderful things together but I worked full time and tried to care for her the best I could. I wish I had her back to do it over again. She wouldn't be scared and she would feel more loved than anyone in the world. I don't know how to let this hurt and regret go. Anyone have any advice?

Thank you for listening. I pray for each one of you here and your loved ones.
Kim

 

[dalvin]

Kim, yes I've lost someone that was dear to me. Other situations where I wished I could go back and do things differently. Often I've heard people say things like 'you did the best you could'. I know for fact when I look back that it's not true cause I can see lots of things I could have done differently. What has helped me is the understanding that I did the best I KNEW how at the time. We act according to what we know. There a lot of areas in our lives where this can be applied. May I suggest looking for a survivors support group in your area for those who have lost someone close to them. There is nothing like face-to-face meeting with others.
Please do stick around here and feel free to draw from us as well

 

[dldred]

I also have regrets that I didn't spend enough time with my mom before she passed. But I know that she didn't feel that way and she wouldn't want me to have regrets. I try to look at all of the good times I had with her and not focus on the regrets. I think everyone has regrets and that will always be that way if you are a caring, loving person.

Dana

 

[skipper66]

Dear Kim,
So sorry for your loss. I think everyone in your situation has regrets at some point. But, I can tell from your posts that you adored and loved your mother. That's what we need more then anything in this world. For someone to love us like that. Even though her time was cut way too short think about how great it made her feel to be loved. You gave her the best gift right there. Cherish that love always and treasure beautiful memories. Your mom is watching over you even though you can't see her and I guarantee she is smiling because she is so proud of you.

 

[cheerleader]

Dalvin is a WISE man! You did the best you knew how at the time! No guilt in that. And loving your mom and caring about her is all any mom wants. Easy to forgive others, but we are slow to forgive ourselves!
Skipper nailed it! Mom is smiling down at you today! Smile, my dear, and try to move on. Hugs to you from a mom!

 

[Atsugi]

In hindsight, we always find things we could have done better. Six months is super-fast. World record fast. There's no way anyone could adjust in time.

I'm betting as she looks down at you from heaven now, she's not thinking that you could have done better. She's thinking that she really loves you and wants you to move on, to complete your life, to enjoy every moment to the fullest. That's all a parent wants, really.

The best thing you can do for your deceased mother now, is to get on with it. Take care of yourself now, the way she would want you to if she were still with us.

 

[LaurieCALS]

Dear Kim,

Think of it this way, if you had stopped you life and dedicated every minute to her, wouldn't she have felt guilty? You worked because you had to, and I'm sure she understood that. She knew you had a lot to do. She probably didn't feel like skydiving anyway..... Not that there's anything wrong with that of course. Lol

My therapist asked me to think back to a time when I and my mom were both very happy together. I thought back and found many times, but particularly when I would go to her house just to hang out and have coffee. We both enjoyed it so much. The therapist told me to remember that feeling of happiness and peacefulness every time I got to thinking about my mom. Sounds simple but it works! It certainly helped me.

I lost my PALS (who wasn't my mom) a couple of years ago and of course I have regrets there too. But for me, I think that the bucket challenge is bringing it all back. People are finally talking about ALS, it's unbelievable! I just wish someone had heard of it back then.

Welcome to the forum and keep coming back, we're here for you.

Peace,
Laurie

 

[MaxEidswick]

>Welcome to the forum and keep coming back, we're here for you.

Ditto that! Grief is a complicated emotion to process. Also PTSD which is very real and you have experienced trama.

Fwiw,

Max

 

[Snowman78]

Kim,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I have not yet lost my father to this horrible disease but he is starting to fade fairly quickly now. I already look back and think man I wish I would have done this or that differently or handled this or that differently, but I take pride in knowing I did the best I could at the time. I feel like I pushed him to hard to do things at times but that was mostly before his diagnosis, before I knew what we were up against. I always meant well and was just trying to pull him along and will him to get better. Once we found out we were fighting ALS I eased up. I regret times I have gotten frustrated, upset, mad at the disease and said or done things I shouldn't have. I always went back and talked it out with him though and he understood and loved me for me and had great appreciation for the things me and mom did. I too am working fulltime and carrying a big role as caregiver. It is very stressful and hard to deal with. Take faith in knowing that for all the things you may or may not have done quite right there are lots of things you did just right and just being there for her was huge. Everybody here is great and very comforting, come back anytime you need support.

Bryan

 

[pecas]

Kim, I would suggest you seek therapy and/or a group. My mother struggles with deep seated regret, and it can be debilitating. You need to make peace with this and move forward. Your mother would want you to enjoy your time on this Earth.

 

[MaxEidswick]

>Kim, I would suggest you seek therapy and/or a group

Ditto that! A group with real people, not just online ...

 

[Hevnw8s]

Thank you for all of your amazing and heatfelt responses. I agree that finding a face to face support group would be very beneficial. I am checking into a church grief group.

I posted in another section when I was afraid of having ALS myself. My Neurosurgeon told me he thought I had it so he put me through all of the necessary tests. I was told I have Chiari Malformation, not ALS, and had brain surgery July 21, 2014. I was told after this type of surgery, your emotions are heightened and you become very emotional for awhile. I say this only because it really makes an emotional situation worse. BUT...I will take all of your advice and move forward.

I hope it is ok to post every now and then when the emotions come creeping back? I wish it could be better over night, but that's not realistic. Maybe I can help someone else along the way who is sturggling.

Thank you all again,
Kim

 

[dalvin]

Kim, you are more than welcome to come back as often as you like or to even stay right here with us. Having been through it yourself, there is a lot you have to offer others. We will also do our best to help you in any way we can

 

[LaurieCALS]

We'll put, Dalvin. Ditto that.

 

[Hevnw8s]

Thank you so much. What a wonderful group of people on this forum. I wish there was no need for a website like this but it certainly is a godsend. To all of you who take time out of your day, even when you may be hurting or battling this disease yourself, I thank you.