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affected

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Apr 26, 2013
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16,096
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Lost a loved one
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05/2013
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OZ
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AU
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lala land
I can't believe family sometimes.

One of his daughters got very strange just hours before he died saying he had told her a bunch of funeral arrangements he had never told me, including burial with his first wife ashes inside his coffin, not cremation! There were a few awful things from her between his death and the memorial with her always saying I couldn't do this or shouldn't be doing it that way, if I'd actually known him ... *sigh* stepkids ...

I had his body immediately cremated, and I admit partly to just stop that whole situation becoming an argument. Hard to argue after the fact ...

Anyway, she lives 2 hours away and I've not seen her since. I did offer that I would give her half of his ashes after I'd done up keepsakes and put half under a tree that was special to us. I finally got her to agree that she would come and collect her half last weekend as she was going to be in the area (she insists that she WANTS them as she wants them in a public memorial gardens). I made a day and time, and guess what ... she not only did not show, but has not contacted me at all. On her fb I see photos and messages and she was in fact down here for the weekend.
Anyways, today, 3 months, I've taken those ashes and put them under 'our' tree and not saying anything more to her.
I find it SO disrespectful to have a plastic box of ashes in my cupboard. I don't mean anything about anyone else who may not have dealt with theirs yet, please don't take this past my own feelings on this situation.

My point is purely that - I had plans for his ashes and she made an ugly fuss about how wrong it was for me to think I could just do my own thing. Yet she just leaves them here with me so rudely.
I hope it does not remain any huge thorn in our sides, but I just feel like I'm being treated so rudely and so is Chris for that matter.

Now that I've done it this morning I feel so at peace. I did not do it out of spite, I did it because I need to grieve in my own way, and I'm actually a little amazed at how good I feel for just dealing with them the way I always felt was right.

If she makes a fuss when she does finally try to claim them I am going to let it be her problem. I love this saying, I forget who said it sometime last year, but I remember the saying well - If you are not going to be a part of my solution, you are not going to a part of my problem!
 
>>Now that I've done it this morning I feel so at peace.

none of this is easy Tillie. You are a big part of an enormous solution, never forget it for a moment. Print this out and put it on the fridge (American for icebox) :)
 
We're with you Tillie,
I agree with you about family. They can be the rudest, most inconsiderate folk in our lives
 
Well done Tillie. I like the thought of Chris resting in peace. Said a prayer just now for you both.

Because of you I have made it quite clear what my wishes are. Thank you.
 
azgirl, I can only hope that my experiences helping Chris can be a help and comfort to others. You have made my day! I felt at peace this morning, and now I feel even more comforted by your words.

Dalvin, my other step-daughter today said the most lovely things to me in some text messages, that made up for her sisters rudeness for me! I haven't told her about the ashes of course. I'm not saying anything, will be interesting to see how long it takes for them to be demanded ...

Max thank you, that's all I can say
 
Dreading that part of this..I havev3 step kids, a horrible ex wife who thinks she's still Haydens wife, and his HUGE family to deal with. Trying to be proactive. .make sure they know His wishes, the plans, but God knows that all can ho out window when time comes! I pray I'm never so petty and insensitive to someone grieving! Stay strong, your better then them and better then this! Xo
 
I find the best problems are solved by what you feel in your heart. You did the right thing.

I don't have any stepchildren -but I have to deal - or not deal with my pals crazy family. He has 2 sisters that live less than 3 miles from us. Both have been over once in the last year and have called a couple of times. He has 2 sisters that live in Florida, neither of them work, that came here 1 1/2 years ago. Rarely call. His brother lives in Texas and calls every week. He was here in January and plans to come back in October. I bet you money those girls will be crying the hardest and telling me how much they loved their brother. PLEASE - Don't know what will come out of my mouth........
I will not cause a scene because I'm better than that.

Debbie
 
Debbie and Tillie,, the ones that cry the loudest are the ones ate up with guilt. I think knowing that you did your best and the most you humanly could gives you a sense of peace. doesn't make the pain less but makes it easier to deal with. I am happy that my husband's two sister FB message him constantly. I think they have grown closer over the last few years and know more about each other even though they don't get to see each other. his mom--she has never come to see him or even called and she lives an hour away. FYI, they did not have a falling out, she is just a selfish ***** and always has been. my kids say if she shows up at the funeral we are going to throw her out.

I think it is a beautiful memorial to Chris to have his ashes under that tree. I love it! my husband says he doesn't care what we do and he sincerely means it. I have decided that I will cremate him, and bury 1/2 in his family plot, and then spread the other 1/2 in the ocean at his childhood home.
 
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