the hard stuff

[affected]

I really had to take a few teaspoons of concrete each day for several days, but finally I did something that I both had to do for my own sanity, and that ripped my heart out to do.

My most prized possession in all the world was our most favourite wedding photo which we had printed a large copy of and framed up in a very old frame that we spent hours restoring together. It held pride of place in the house, and just couldn't be missed.

The first month after Chris passed it was some comfort in many ways. As the second month moved along it became so painful to look at. I knew that I had to take it down, but I just couldn't do it either. Kind of like it was making the finality of death too much of a reality, yet actually having it hanging there seemed to make it even more of a reality.

I so struggled over this one.

Finally, after a few false starts, I managed to put my hands on it and remove it from the wall. I carefully wrapped it in a sheet, taped it all up and put it in the wardrobe in a spare bedroom, with my wedding dress.

Well hell, you know really I've just set up a situation where I'm going to have to deal with them both another day, but at least I dealt with it to this point today. I keep kind of staring at the tapestry that is now hanging there (which used to hang there before we were married and went into a wardrobe for the past few years lol), and telling myself to just stop staring at it and get on with it becoming normal ...

no, nothing will be quite normal ever again - it is what it is

 

[Nikki J]

I am so sorry Sending you hugs

You are right it can never be normal. You are forever changed. But it will get easier. Eventually

Be good to yourself

 

[dalvin]

My prayers are with you Tillie.

 

[Diane H]

Do you have a smaller version of the wedding photo? Maybe framing it and displaying it in a less attention demanding spot would feel less like ripping away such a huge part of your life. Perhaps display it with a group of other photos so it is honored as an key part of your entire life.

 

[MaxEidswick]

>I dealt with it to this point today.

good for you. That's all you can do: deal with one thing at a time one day at a time.


>no, nothing will be quite normal ever again - it is what it is

you got that right. Nothing changes our past. It Is What It Is.

 

[tinyandme]

Had a dream my house was like a shrine to Hayden after he'd passed..brought my first date home and had a complete breakdown after seeing him watching me date. Woke up crying. No idea how long your "supposed"to wait before changing anything. Dread it already. Thank you for sharing this moment with us. Hugs

 

[affected]

No idea how long your "supposed"to wait before changing anything.

me neither!

and for me it's not even about 'dating', so much as about what is now.

Diane, thanks for that suggestion maybe it will work. It was also the lock screen photo on my iPhone, and I changed that to some flowers from the garden.

I still have wedding photos as my screen saver and that has nearly undone me a few times!

There's just no rights or wrongs with this process, so once again (like I felt as a CALS) I'm just bumbling along finding some kind of way

 

[Kim C]

Everyone deals with grief differently. We found a beautiful picture of my mom in the days after she passed that dad & I both love. We got a frame, put it out, and he talks to it daily. He also put out a picture of the three of us from years ago. I found a chair pulled out last week in front of the picture, where I guess he had sat and been talking to that picture too. It comforts him.

 

[bigmark1954]

Tillie.....don't put any pressure on yourself to do anything. There is no rulebook dictating how you should feel about anything, or time frames to do anything.
You have just survived an emotional holocaust and heartbreak!
I have know a few people who have lost their loved ones to various terminal diseases...time seems to heal most emotional wounds. It may take a full year to get in a new normal pattern.
You are a "tough chic" from what I know about you....talking about it is helpful, and your future will illuminate as time goes on.

p.s.... My life is totally screwed up....but I seem to be giving people advice about theirs!

 

[zoohouse]

Tillie, Mark is correct that it takes a year to get a new normal pattern. When I lost my brother, I was so lost, as every spare minute of my time when I wasn't working was caring for him. I found I couldn't read a sentence and comprehend it, I had to force myself to eat and then it was like eating saw dust, and I just went through the motions. I had to make a plan of action to get back to normal, which was walking my dog 2 ½ miles every day come rain, shine, snow etc. I got an easy cross work puzzle book and worked on it for an hour. I actually bought instant breakfast shake mixes and drank 2 a day along with vitamin supplements. Watched comedies when I did watch TV, or rent a movie. I remember distinctly the first time that I laughed out loud, that it surprised me but felt sooooooo good. That is when I started to feel that I had turned the corner and started to enjoy the smaller things in life. I started calling friends to do things with them, and volunteering at my church. But it did take a year, and several times I felt myself falling into that dark hole, and I would call a friend who would pray for me right then and there. Divorce went much the same so I have had some practise at this, but I know that when I lose Tim it is going to hurt like h*** all over again and I will have to institute my revival plan. I wish we were closer, so that you could call me if you needed to, and I would force you to come out to do things even if you didn't feel like you wanted to or could enjoy it. Lots of love going to you.

Paulette

 

[MaxEidswick]

Paulette/Katrina --

>I wish we were closer, so that you could call me if you needed to,

Skype is free, so you only have a 15 hr time diff or so.


>and I would force you to come out to do things even if you didn't feel like you wanted to or could enjoy it.

you never know ... we'd have to work on Tillie's English a bit, though ...

 

[affected]

Everyone deals with grief differently. We found a beautiful picture of my mom in the days after she passed that dad & I both love. We got a frame, put it out, and he talks to it daily. He also put out a picture of the three of us from years ago. I found a chair pulled out last week in front of the picture, where I guess he had sat and been talking to that picture too. It comforts him.

I love the image I got of your father sitting there quietly alone and talking to the picture!

We do all deal with grief differently indeed.

I've had a number of times when I've gone through photos and videos of Chris with friends or family here since he gained his wings. We've laughed a lot and enjoyed them.

I think it's more that I feel so sadly ripped off. Only just finally finding each other, only 4.5 years ago, then just how amazing he was, such a romantic, so hilariously funny, and my best friend. Then we didn't even get to our 3rd wedding anniversary before he was gone.

 

[affected]

You are a "tough chic" from what I know about you....talking about it is helpful, and your future will illuminate as time goes on.

p.s.... My life is totally screwed up....but I seem to be giving people advice about theirs!

You know Mark, sometimes people with the most screwed up lives can give the most accurate advice

Usually I'm pretty good at pressuring myself, but I am actually being incredibly lax and letting myself go however I need each day.

I had to take that photo down because seeing it a hundred times every day was getting harder with every day. I actually feel a bit better now it's been done for some days, though I still glance at what is there now, almost furtively as though it might have magically turned itself back ...

Interesting comment Mark - my future will illuminate as time goes on. I feel like I've kind of got 2 main choices just now - go through this and come out a changed person and who knows what life will offer me, or, bury it, run and go back to as much of my old life as I can quickly pick back up.

I thought all last year that I just wanted to do that. But now, I'm wanting to allow the changes brought on by what I've been through to take me somewhere else in/with life.

It will take time, you are right, at least a year I'm sure has to pass before any true normality returns. Some days I feel like I'm almost there! Usually the next day I'm crawling on my knees again ...

 

[affected]

Tillie, Mark is correct that it takes a year to get a new normal pattern.
... institute my revival plan .... I wish we were closer, so that you could call me if you needed to, and I would force you to come out to do things even if you didn't feel like you wanted to or could enjoy it. Lots of love going to you.

Paulette

My revival plan has revolved around gardening like the biggest maniac.
The therapy is wonderful, and just when I was starting to think that maybe I'm being a bit OCD about it, I'm getting people who want to come and do crazy big gardening projects with me! This could simply mean there are a lot of crazy people up here of course and I'm attracting them. :shock:
For example there were 3 men and me out there today ripping out lantana (if any of you know this stuff it is not fun to play with and it is a noxious weed here). They came last week, and now they are pretty much saying they want to do it every Tuesday afternoon. I do admit we had a lot of laughs, but most people I would think would find an easier way to be entertained.

I have sad thoughts at times at Chris missing out on being here, but I can't help but find the therapy I am using for my revival plan revolves around creating and beauty, and it is helping a lot.

 

[affected]

Paulette/Katrina --

>I wish we were closer, so that you could call me if you needed to,

Skype is free, so you only have a 15 hr time diff or so.


>and I would force you to come out to do things even if you didn't feel like you wanted to or could enjoy it.

you never know ... we'd have to work on 's English a bit, though ...

now Max, watcha mean work on me english a bit eh? wassup with it?

If Paulette started me on skype or other voip calling systems how would she ever find the time to look after Tim? LMAO

Love you all, I can't tell you how much I needed that batch of posts here on this thread this evening.

here's a classic shot of a lantana bush just before it got ripped out