It Still Stings..

[Jason's Dream]

Before Jason died, I was trying to think, prepare myself maybe, at life without him. (Lord knows, I was in for a root awakening.. but I digress.) Both of our children (still living) have birthdays in the winter, and with Jason's love for our children, I told him an idea I had. I told him, that on his birthday, I thought about celebrating with our children, by giving them outdoor play toys from us, a balloon release, and of course, chocolate cake or cupcakes, that type of thing. That seemed to make Jason happy and he seemed to like that idea. Well, in less then a week, my husband should be turning 39 on none other then memorial day (of all days). He was my hero, and definately his son's hero to be sure.

Well, in preparation for this day, I was going to various stores, pricing out the toys, so that when I am able to get someone to watch our little loves long enough for me to get the toys, I want to maximize my time and be able to get them quickly and efficiently, as I normally don't have alot of time by myself.

Well, I was at Walmart the other night, looking at a children's bike for William. But I couldn't seem to find any price tag on it. So I asked a sales associate, and she told me the price of the bike. She then began to be helpful, a bit too helpful.

She asked if she could wheel it up there for me. I explained that my van was the type in which, where you would put it, would sit right in front of William and so that wouldn't work. (Not knowing that I was referring to our mobility van.) Her next words out of her mouth still hurt, even though, I know there was no way for her to know any different. "Well, then, why don't you drop the kids off at home with Dadda and come back and pick it up real quick." she responded. "Um, Dadda's dead." I replied, and the look of shock, horror, and embarrassment on her face, told her heart that she didn't mean to, was sorry, did not mean to offend. I can understand her assumptions, a lady with 2 children, still wearing her wedding band, .. how was she to know? Still, it hurts every time I have to tell someone that my sweetheart is no longer by my side.

I've been missing him so very much, as we just passed the 2 year mark of losing our daughter's twin, and with my beloved's birthday coming up.

It still hurts so much to still get junk mail in his name, to get those collector calls asking for him like they could just wait and speak to him. How I long to say, "Just a minute" and go get him....

I miss you my love.

 

[Pandora]

I get it beca. I feel it too, everyday. What do we do? I was excluded from a old friends party this weekend, cuz it was a "couples" thing. No one wants the widow milling about. How do we go about out new "single" lives when we feel married? How do we tell people when they ask? Are you married? Well YES! .. and no. What do we do with all of the other things that come up, junk mail, collection calls, their facebook, my husband was a advid gamer so I have those accounts to deal with as well. What do we put on the christmas cards? is it still mr. and mrs. so and so? The void they leave in our life is so vast, how do we come back to live again, i have all these questions, and the one person who could help me is no longer here, its a cycle, how do we break it. too young to live like this too old to start over.. we just keep plugging along... even tho we dont want to.

 

[Jason's Dream]

*hugs* hon. You wrote my heart.

But thats just it. I'm not "single". I don't think of things in a "single" way. When I was single, I had no children, was all about partying and experiencing life and life experiences without a care in the world, I had never experienced the most amazing love and friendship that would change my life forever. This past week, I had to go to the doctor's office, and while there, they had me "update" my paperwork. Again, the dreaded box I hate there... "Marital Status (M/S)?" There isn't even a W listed, and legally M isn't right, but S is not right either. I am soo unbelievably lost without him.

I don't know how many times I have seen, via facebook, some of my friends brag about a great "girl's night out", and somehow, I was not invited. Of a birthday party, my kids were not invited to. All because of the eeyore rain cloud that seems to hover over our lives and people seem to avoid us like the plague.

I couldn't feel more alone or more of a misfit then I do now.

I miss him soo incredibly much!

*hugs* my friend. <3

 

[Plumeria84]

You got me all teary-eyed I'm so sorry you ladies have to deal with these questions. I can only imagine how much pain they stir up.

Like you said - it's not intentional when people say these things but sometimes I just wish people would quit assuming we all live 'normal' lives and realize things everyone takes for granted aren't true for everyone.

Mine isn't nearly as bad as yours but a while back I took our car to the shop and it was going to be a 4 hour wait - I ofcourse have my 3yr old son with me and wasn't about to sit in their waiting room with a toddler for that long so I had them give me a car. I did have to pay a little bit for it but still worth it - if I get 4 hours away from the house , I'm putting them to good use (errands etc).
So 3 hours in they call and say car is ready, I come back to the rental place and as the guys are getting me checked out everyone has their comment of "Oh man, if it were me I'd call up friends and go have some fun" "Why don't you keep it a few more hours, you've already paid for them, go hang around town etc....."
How badly I wanted to tell them if only life were that simple - I wish I could call up some friends, go hang out at the beach. Too bad I have to hurry home because my 'break' is almost over and I need to get back to taking care of my husband.
Just made me angry that people assume everyone has it so easy.
Mine doesn't even compare to yours but in a small way I can understand your frustration.

 

[Jason's Dream]

Plumeria ~

Unfortunately I can remember times like that when Jason was alive. There was times when I would get take-out or run through a drive through to feed my family, because, with all that was on my platter, cooking was a bit of a luxury. How I wish people would have offered to have make frozen casserole meals for me to pop into the oven when we were ready for dinner. Or offer to take my kids long enough, so I could have gotten house work done, or someone to offer to sit with Jason and someone watch our children and another person either take me out for coffee or evne treat me to a 30 minute massage. Yeah, a pipe dream, but a girl could dream, right?

*hugs*

Another story ~ After Jason passed, I went to have my oil changed. After giving my phone number, .. hearing "Jason Miley?", Um, he's dead, you need to take his name off and put my name on the account. Um, we can't do that. Are you kidding me? So every three months I have to hear his name, and hurt each time, all because you can't change 2 blanks in your stupid computer?"... Yeah, I went off on them. They changed the name.