I'm truelly Alone and On My Own

[Jason's Dream]

My mom will board a plane to join my Dad 3 time zones away, in a matter of hours, on the 19 week anniversary of Jason's death. She's essentially already MIA. Not spending time with her grandson who has lost his Dad to death at such a young age, lost his grandpa to a job 3 time zones away, and is now about to lose his grandma to his grandpa's beckoning. He's gonna go through hell tomorrow, and I can't keep him from even more hurt, and it breaks my heart. Little Katie will be soo lost without her grandma, as she has taken care of Katie while I was caring for Jason. Grandma is one of thier main person in thier life, and again, they are about to face losing yet another person in a matter of hours. Makes me angry that she is putting my kids through this. When we talked about when I would be "ready" to be on my own , there were a ton of things that I needed to get done, to feel safe and comfortable to try to face this scary new future as a single mom of two alone. None of it is done, and now I have all of it to do on my own, and take care of 2 children, and try to keep up on making meals, laundry, and dishes, etc. I know this doesn't sound like much to you, but for me, I am more then overwhelmed, and already defeated and she isn't even physically gone, but might as well be. I thought when Jason died, dad would quit his job and come back here, and then when I had appointments, that they could watch them for that long, etc. This is more then I can handle, and I know it, and am scared to death! But, it feels like all they care about, is them spending time together. It feels very selfish, when I am soo in over my head, not to mention, I am emotionally crap. I can't do this and I know I can't. Everyone expects me to do this, but I'm not that person, I'm not that strong, and no one really knows how horrible I am doing or feeling inside.

Sorry for this emotional fall out, rant.

I am just scared, mad, overwhelmed, in over my head, angry, hurting, and abandoned.. per usual.

~ Becca

 

[Miss]

Is there any way that you could move to their city?

 

[Jason's Dream]

The short answer is no. My dad has a temp government job in Washington state. Because of government cuts in spending, his "per diem" was cut and so he hasn't been back for a visit since Christmas. They miss each other, and want me to house sit thier house while also living at my house. Thats the short version.

 

[notgivnup]

So so sorry Becca,
Everthing may seem overwhelming to you right now, that is understanable. But you are never alone. There lays within you strenght beyond your wildest dreams, you can do this. I once felt the way you do, my husband did not die but chose to go away while I had a 6 month old and 2 year old, and not a penny to my name. I knew I could not do it alone , family was of no help so I turned to the lover of my soul and looked deep inside me and found the strenght to carry on with the love I was carring there and help from above. You to can do this and it will be all ok, one day at a time, Love you Becca, Prayers and {{{HUGS}}}

 

[penny1]

Becca you can do it. Sit down, take a deep breath and start making list. Make lots of list, fears, must do's, wanta do's, people who you can call for help, a list for today what Must be done. Get all of those fears and all that info out of your head and on paper. It does to help clear your mind when you are not trying to remember all that stuff. I have a lot of list, paperwork, inside stuff, outside stuff, car, fix it, call about. Now list "what Mom did" . After each item think of ways to get er done. Check into local daycare for just one afternoon each week, now you can plan dr appts, car reapairs, errands, for __ afternoon all spring and summer. When you cook, cook extra and freeze a few meals for next week, frozen pizza never killed anyone. The kids don't care if the house is perfect, go to the park and have fun with them. Find some joy in each day it will help recharge you. Then check the list for what Must be done next. Bit by bit. hugs to ya Penny

 

[brooksea]

Penny has great advice! Make a list and keep revising it. If you can mark ONE thing off of your list each day, you have accomplished something!

This is your new reality. I hate it for you and for myself and all the other cALS that have lost their loved ones. I have faith in you. Have faith in yourself. It's daunting, I know, the tasks at hand. Look at the BIG picture. You are an awesome mom. Look down the road and try not to fixate on "the now" too much. Empower yourself!

 

[Katie C]

Oh.,, one more thing... learn that it's ok to say no. Taking care of your own home and your kids and yourself may well be all you can handle at this time in your life. If you can't handle taking care of your mom's house.. TELL HER. If she gets upset.. oh well. Our grief counsellor is big on saying it's ok to be "selfish" at this point in your life. You ad your kids come first. Period.

 

[brooksea]

Now, that was some great advice, Katie!

Becca, you have just gone through what most people in their lifetimes will never experience. Be proud and take time for yourself. Don't let others take advantage of you, just because they "can." You are feeling vulnerable and rightly so. A person can only take so much. Look out for your little family there and try not to worry about other people's wants or needs.

 

[Barbie]

Becca,

I hate to give advice to you because I can only imagine the difficulty of your position. I love what CJ said--this is your new reality. It is not the life you wanted or picked and it is terrible that you have to face this, but you will get through it. I am sorry your mom and dad are leaving because obviously they are a big help to you. I can imagine how overwhelming it looks to you. Penny gave great advice about daycare. when my 4 babies were little, I use to take them to a paid babysitter one day a week even though I was a stay home mom. that was my time to get things done, be alone, sometimes just take a nap. Perhaps that would help you.

hang in there girl, you are a terrific mom and doing the best (or better) anyone can expect.

 

[joni51]

Becca I can't give any more advice than what they have given you, so I will just give you a HUG

 

[cervus]

Yes, such good advice. I'm going to heed to some of that too.

 

[Jason's Dream]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate it, but I'm not a good Mom, and couldn't feel more like a failure then I do right now. One of the things that Jason and I really didn't want for our chidlren was daycare. We made our college schedules such that one of us was always taking care of William. This was very important to both of us, so the idea of daycare is not an option for me. I can't in good conscience do that to them. They have already lost soo much, the last thing they need is to spend less time with people that love them, with thier Momma, etc. Jason and I also had horrible childhoods (to put it nicely), and so we are/were very protective as to who we brought into our children's lives, much less, let them watch our little one(s). So I feel very passionately about honoring Jason's wishes. But right now I couldn't feel more like a failure, more overwhelmed, and completely crap about it all. No one really knows how horrible I feel inside or am really doing. No one really wants to know. I just simply can't do this, and no, I am not that strong... not strong at all. I feel like I am just a puddle of emotions and am not worth anything to anyone. The "I just don't give a cr$p" feeling is just soo overwhelming, .. I am trying, cause I know that is what Jason would have wanted, but I don't care anymore about anything, I died inside when he died, and am completely overwhelmed, and no matter how hard I try, I don't seem to make any headway on anything.

 

[Gentleman Jim]

Becca, Dr. Phil would say; "How is that working for ya?" Obviously, most all you have talked about is the
negative, the things you cannot do. I am telling you, for the sake of those children, don't teach them how to
drown. Teach them how to swim. In fact teach them to love to swim.

Becca, life is hard, yours seems to be extra hard right now. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. You can and will
do it. Don't do the same things and expect different results. "What the mind can conceive and believe it can
achieve." Act your way into a new way of feeling, don't feel your way into a new way of acting.
I know you love your children; Act like it. I know you like to be needed and wanted; Act like it.
I know you are a very special person; Act like it. Fill in the blanks for some other reasons to lift your head high.

Know that Jason's desire is for you to succeed. Each one of us want you to succeed. Don't stay in a rut, it is
a grave with both ends kicked out of it. Behave your way to success.

Hope you can build on what you have read here and from the others. It easy to give advice, all you need to do
is decide if it is good advice, then take it. Emotions will never change a thing, action will. Go get em girl.

Hugs,

Gentleman Jim

 

[st123]

This was very important to both of us, so the idea of daycare is not an option for me.

Everyone here has given you some very good advice - much better than I can, but here are just my thoughts... I don't think you're a "puddle" at all. I think you're being way too hard on yourself for having all of the normal fears and worries and feelings of devastation that come with losing a spouse.

I see you have a rock-hard conviction about day care. That's not a puddle. I'm guessing you have similar feelings about food and clean clothing for them as well and I bet you make sure they're clean and fed every day. That's not nothing. You ARE getting things done. Please give yourself credit for each and every thing, starting with getting out of bed each morning. You deserve it.

I hope, just once each day, you can look at just how much you have accomplished, without comparing it to "used to" or "should have" and feel really good about yourself.

 

[penny1]

Becca, I am worried about you. You were a take charge caregiver and mother. Now you aren't able to tackle things with confidence. I read your post and can hear your cries for help. I am going to be very blunt about this, you NEED to see a Dr. about these feelings of hopelessness. I felt the loss of my husband, the loss of my 24/7 caregiving job, loss of my best friend and future very hard at first, kinda PTSD feeling, then I slowly began looking forward. I have a sick feeling in my stomach when I read your post, you need help dealing with these feelings. You have some classic signs that would be considered red flags. Don't shut us out, but we are not enough you need more. Please, please go see your dr, you're had a baby, suffered years of stress and a huge loss. Let him read some of your post, you put your feelings on paper so well. I can't make you do anything. I also could not log out without saying we love you, we want you to feel better than you do right now. You deserve more than you have now. Please do not take offense, I had to say it. I am haunted by your post, I don't want to ever have to look back and say why didn't somebody do something. What can we do? I will start with a big warm hug and a whisper in your ear " you are worth the effort. one step at a time" Penny