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Jason's Dream

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Such a hard part of this is getting rid of things, etc. I thought when they took the hospital bed, the cough assist machine, suction device, etc.. that it wouldn't be a big deal. I mean, its not like we shared that bed. It was just stuff to help him. But I cried like a baby. I still can't put things where his bed was, and often lay on the floor and cry where it was. I know, a bit dumb.

Well, today is going to be a hard one. Today his little tracker will be hauled off. I can remember soo many times, watching it fly around the corner as he hurried home to me, as we met to go out to eat, at school, etc. This item does have memories, so I can only imagine how hard this will be, as my heart already hurts just thinking about it.

I just wish there was a shut off valve for all this grief and heartache.

~ Becca
 
ANd I wish there were words that could comfort you!
Im so sorry Becca. I hate this.
 
So very sorry, Becca.
 
I'm so sorry Becca. Praying for some peace for you.
 
Do you have someone that can help you pack things up or at least someone that can be there to comfort you while you go through things?

If I do ONE thing a day, whether it be paperwork or packing up, I find I can keep myself from being overwhelmed. I now try to do ONE thing a week just for myself, even if that is buying a tube of mascara! And, on the weekend, I try to do something special for my son.

As for the bed - I can't remember how the bedroom furniture used to be arranged before ALS. I have a dresser where his bed used to be, but it doesn't seem right and the room seems so empty...
 
I rearranged the bedroom furniture and there is a dresser where Terry's bed used to be, too. The item that caused the most surprising emotional upheaval was the removal of the recliner. That just tore me to pieces. There is no logical way to rearrange the den furniture. After 6 months, I still look over in that direction constantly expecting to find him.
 
Just after Bob passed away I had my sister and brother-in-law here and I went out of the house for an hour or so to keep clear and they dismantled the bed and other equipment and put it all in the garage. I didn't use the garage until the health supply store picked everything up. Family set up our queen size bed which had been replaced by the hospital bed and a single bed. I was so grateful for that. I went around with my sister and dropped off the smaller medical equipment and got rid of most small things in the house that were ALS related. I've kept Bob's razors, manual and electric and all of his clothing, etc. I am now sorting through a few things and have given away a couple of things to our daughters and to a friend who misses Bob dearly. I've cleaned out most of the stuff in Bob's office - not his things but lots of papers that probably should have been discarded a long time ago. Just when I feel OK to go through his things, I just can't manage to do it. I'm in no rush though. Besides, I don't want to right now. It's tough isn't it?!
 
Becca, I am sorry. Maybe when those things are being taken away, have a thing that is his, that you hold close to your heart...that won't be going away...tight in your hands. Almost like a security blankey to hold on to something will never go away under your watch....may sound a bit kiddy...but when it comes down to it...we all want that comfort and hold on to things for the people we have lost.

I am so sorry you are having trouble...you are definately in my thoughts and prayers.
 
For what it's worth... I'm still working on packing stuff up and clearing stuff out. Now.. I had stuff from my parents that landed in my garage too so there was even more but yeah.. it's hard.
 
I am so sorry Becca, I will be praying for you to find some peace in your heart hon. {HUG}
 
I had to get rid of anything related to ALS ... Karl passed away Dec 31 but was only just diagnosed Aug 31. I needed to remove all that reminded me of his illness, perhaps because it was so fast. That was not how I wanted to remember him.

I am losing our house of 25 years and I have to find a way to consolidate a house into a smaller condo. My mom passed in Sept and she had a condo paid off. My brothers are letting me take it over just for the upkeep until I decide what I can afford to do. So losing the house doesn't throw me into tears. But I am resisting the move because I didn't have time to mourn my mom and now I am taking over her home.

However, it isn't the big things I am having a hard time with, but rather the little things... like an old jacket he used to do yard work it.. or an old pair of shoes he always wore. And I get angry when I go downstairs to see the years of stuff he kept.. and now it is on me to get rid of.. holy cow! So many emotions over just "stuff"! And yet, everything has a memory.. a meaning so much bigger than the item itself!

Wish I could just stop crying.. especially when a friend, brother or sis-in-law calls!
 
Things are just things...so they say. But these things have memories tacked onto them, so yes
They are hard are hard to let go of....take your time and don't worry about it. Feel the love of the memories and cherish that.
 
I can see why this would be so hard. Like Mrs C said- there are memories tacked onto them. Certain smells, the way that shirt feels on your face....
When my grandpa died I took the bottle of aftershave he was using at the time. Brought me great comfort when I'd be missing him hard. He passed almost 12 years ago, and I still open and smell that bottle every now and then. Then the memories flood back.
Sorry Becca
 
Becca, I know how hard this all is. I just moved my husband's clothes from the closet to the basement. Can't get rid of them yet. Haven't even gone through his dresser. It has been a little over 6 months and it is almost fresher today than when it was happening. I am wearing his sweat pants and tonight I even have on one of his t-shirts. I spent over an hour at his grave crying this morning. Today is my first birthday without him and it has been awful. My sister even told me that because I didn't want to celebrate Christmas, they didn't know what to do about my birthday. Told her that they could have at least asked. The day was awful. My emotions were so raw that I have fought with my father (who did not know it was my birthday), and both my sisters. Did have a nice dinner with my married son and his family. One moment at a time. That is all we can do. don't you just hate it when someone tells you that. I do. Thoughts are with you.
 
I think it really is just one moment at a time. That's just how it has to be I think. We have to allow ourselves to grieve whenever we need to in whatever way is best for us. Whether it's pacing the floors at night, staying up in the night and missing and thinking about our lost spouses, cancelling plans, whatever. We have every right to. I'm glad you went out tonight. I hope you felt a little peace. And it's good to know that your sister's intentions were good, right? I've decided rather than deal with family that doesn't understand or hasn't been there, it's better not to deal with them at all. We've all been through so much and now it's our time. Only involve yourself with people that want to be there for you and not the other way around. I know I'm rambling but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say! Happy Birthday!
 
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