Distancing

[Jason's Dream]

Do you find yourself distancing yourself from others? Not wanting to be around people, or around alot of people?

Right now, I haven't been back to church in a while. For a few reasons. Sunday was the day he died, and so Sundays tend to be hard for me. Secondly, I HATE having to pick out a pew, especially near "couples", and needing my space, so, would prefer my space on a small back row pew, but they are at a premium, and so, more then likely, not able to get one. Second, even if I get a back pew, people will come talk to me, pay thier condolences for the ump-teenth time, ask me how I am doing (which I hate at this point), or avoid me like the plague because they don't know what to say, and my grief makes them "uncomfortable".

I seem to distance myself from my family, from things on the internet, and at times, I hate noises. I don't want the tv on, don't have any interest in it at all, hate laundry or other normal "house" noises running. I don't want to hear the chatter of my children, I hate lights on. I just want my space.

I feel crazy talking to Jason out loud while shopping. People looking at me crazy, .. I'm now at the point that I snap at them and ask harshly, "What are you looking at?"..

A few nights ago, outside a grocery store, I saw a car park in the wheel chair ramp space between two handicap spots without a handicap sticker. I went nuts. I remembered all the times it was soo hard getting Jason in and out of the van, because of inconsiderate, rude, and self-centered people. I wrote her a nasty note on a napkin and left it under her wiperblade on her windshield.

I can't sleep, but I don't want to be among the awake or living either.

Some days are better then other. Some days are worse, and they aren't because of an anniversary, date, or day. I don't understand why?

The overwhelming question of "WHY?" seems to haunt me as I see other couples that are older then Jason and I are still living thier dream. Why was ours taken away from us? Why did they get to see thier children grow up and have babies, and my sweetheart barely heard his little girl say "Dadda", never seeing them on thier first day of school, thier first crush, thier first heartbreak, thier first date, thier high school graduation, .. never going to walk our little girl down the aisle.... Why were we robbed? Why did they get to have all these priceless moments and not us?

Nothing makes sense anymore, and I'm just going through the motions.. appeasing everyone and making them feel that I am working through this.. when, its all a facade..

 

[Atsugi]

I don't know your situation. I've only just now seen your post because, I too, have been avoiding others.

There is plenty of good life remaining within you, and it'll take some help to find it.
Fortunately, I have plenty of help.

You're not JUST depressed, there's also something else going on that needs addressing.
You're taking meds, yes? Weekly therapy?

-- Mike

 

[Miss]

Becca, you need more than just grief therapy. There are two little lives that are going to be affected if you don't get some help dealing with Jason's illness and death. I know it is hard. Sometimes, I feel like I can barely take a breath because the grief is so overwhelming. But I have two children that depend on me, and so, I reach deep down inside and "grab my boot straps" and move forward. We have to. It is how we honor our husbands' lives. We are the ones that will keep their memory alive. If I were to do any less, Terry's life will be forgotten by the next generation. For Jason, that next generation is your children. For Terry, it will be our grandchildren. I want them to know him. That can only happen if I'm strong enough to move forward, care for our children and honor his memory.

 

[Jason's Dream]

I'm not saying, I'm not making strides forward.. just saying, my heart is soo not in it.

Hospice grief counseling for me is non-existant because 2 days after he passed, they told that office that they would be closing thier doors in 2 weeks.

I have went to a grief counselor, but aside from giving him the "history" of the last few years, he doesn't say anything, or help me try to figure out how to go on.

The free counseling 6 week class that was suppose to start at a local hospital, canceled.

I've been taking sewing classes, been crocheting things for people that are going through a hard time. I just don't want to socialize with anyone.

 

[Miss]

Try and find a young widow in your area. There is bound to be one. It helps SO much to talk with people that really understand. If you can possibly get some professional help, do. I think Mike might be right. You might need some medication to help you move through this.

 

[Jason's Dream]

I am still nursing Katie, so medication is out of the question. I thought coming here was where I could "vent" and find people with a common bond. Guess I was mistaken. I'm sorry to have unloaded here. I won't do it again.

 

[Katie C]

Becca... what you're experiencing is a pretty deep depression. Not surprising or unwarranted .. much of what you describe is very normal, but on a deeper scale. Heck.. I got so mad at a Sandals Couples resort ad one night I almost threw my shoe at the tv! Luckily I remembered I didn't want to replace the tv! It's kind of a long story, but the sound of dripping water can raise my anxiety level really fast. Last week I had an actual flashback .. woke up because I heard Glen coughing. I still haven't gone back to church.. they conveniently disappeared when Glen was sick. I don't need them now. And though I do go out more there are still times when I get all cleaned up and ready to go out... just to sit down in my chair and say nope not doin' it. And it's been 18 months for me.. not 3.

Seriously... please try to convince yourself to try a couple different counsellors. When Kev had his very very serious depression it took us 4 tries to get him with the right person. I worked with a person for a while then but never really felt we connected. The grief counsellor we see now is a specialist.. amazing, inciteful, can point things out that I'm doing that I'd never noticed myself. And she's very gentle and kind. I would seek out someone who specializes in grief and trauma... you have experienced both. It's going to take time.. but William and Katie deserve a mom who can laugh and love and help them remember the good things about their Dadda. And YOU deserve to be able to breathe without fear.