Forum Fillies: Higher Plane Twitcher

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BarryG

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Well hello all, the 3:10 to Yuma is in so here is this weekend's episode of Forum Follies or in this case:

Forum Fillies: Higher Plane Twitcher

The horse is a nervous, skittish animal that would just as soon bite or kick you as look at you. The rider is tall and mean looking, the kind of man who would just as soon shoot you as look at you. Both of them are covered in the dust that accumulates over weeks on the trail. They walk slowly and deliberately into the town past the curious and suspicious townsfolk who all wonder “who is this stranger and why has he come to our town? No one ever comes to our town” Lago is not the kind of town that anyone would come to willingly, like many towns in the old west it has few virtues and many vices.

The stranger stops in front of one of the vices, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Saloon. He dismounts, ties his horse to the rail and walks through the swinging doors. In the darkened bar he sees a Motley Crue of drunks, gamblers, cowboys, working girls and two small, dark, curly haired mutts who growl at each other in the corner. Walking up to the bar he calls to the bartender “Whisky, Big Whisky”. A woman at the bar girls sidles up to the stranger, looks him up and down and says “Hellooo big fella, is that a six gun in your pocket are you just happy to see me? The stranger, a man of few words, just looks at her through squinted eyes and growls “Go away”.

The bartender says “”Hey you, be nice to Miss Kitty, she is the owner of this joint since Miss Thelma ran away to New York City with that rascal dandy Calvin Klein, him and his fancy shirts”. “Sorry” says the dusty stranger to Miss Kitty “you remind me of my mother, I hate my mother”. “That’s OK” says Miss Kitty, “you are Unforgiven, at least until High Noon”. “What happens at high noon?” asks the stranger. “That’s when we all start twitching” replies a shadowy figure in the dark recesses of the bar. “Nothing to worry about really but it is very aggravating and makes it damn hard to shoot straight”. “Shut up Everready, you Jack----Rabbit” yells the bartender “You don’t need to tell him about that”. “No, You shut up Gumby, I’m getting tired of your plastic face always being so quick to tell me what to do”. “Well you know”” said Gumby “You’re either Quick or you’re Dead”. The stranger, deciding that he will get no peace in the bar, grabs the bottle and walks out into the street where he bumps into the local preacher, Pastor Joel, who is walking with the school marm, Miss Rose.

“Oh, excuse us” coos Miss Rose “we are just on our way to visit Missus Beth, one of the surviving members of the Magnificent Seven Women, who is feelin poorly. She hasn’t stopped twitchin since being treated by the doc”. “Not that I care, but he don’t sound like much of a doctor to me” says the stranger. Pastor Joel, obviously offended by the crude man, states “I’ll have you know sir that Doctor Cialis is one of the most UPstanding medical men in the world. He studied under the great doctor Hindgrinder himself at the world famous Hardwick Institute! Bored, the stranger turns and walks away toward the hotel in search of a hot bath……

I got a little carried away and obviously I have WAY too much time on my hands but I was having fun so, go to it! :-D:-D
 
... As the Stranger sits in a claw-footed bathtub on the edge of town watching the sunset over the Rockies, an elderly woman appears and climbs in the empty bathtub next to him.

"You say you hate your mother," she says, pulling out a notebook and pencil. "Tell me all about it."

"Ain't nuttin' to tell," he mutters. "Come to think of it, you remind me of my grandmother. I hated her, too."

"Do tell ! I suspect this is really why you started twitching. I think it is a deep-seated fear of committment that has driven you to this town of Twitchers in a futile attempt to avoid facing your underlying personality issues."

"There she is," cry Schoolmarm Rose and Preacher Joel, pouncing on the elderly woman and dragging her from the tub. "Quick, let's get her back to the looney bin before she psychoanalysizes someone else!"

The Stranger flicks his stogie away, and pulls another from his shirt pocket. Rising from the tub, he wipes the bubbles from his boots and moseys back to the saloon.

In the saloon, one of the curly little dogs says to the other, "We need a plot. Let's sniff butts. That'll get the action going." They head fpr the Great Big Bunny, who is for some reason, banging a drum.

Canned laughter as we fade to a commercial ...
 
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Good Bad the Ugly music and wawwaw......

The Good, Bad and Ugly seems to be getting uglier until the tall smellin fresh stranger spies someone he knows!

He ambles over...Mona just what the hell do you think you are you doin here?!?

The lady in the chaps and cowboy hat and six shooter belts down her whiskey and replies, I could ask you the same thing.

He replies, I've heard about all the twitchin in town and aim to find out where it's comin from. He narrowed his eyes and tells her she needs to get on her horse and ride before there's trouble.

She replies, You're the one that needs to go back to the Ponderosa, Paw. This isn't any of your affair.

He takes a huge puff on his cigar and says, I can't ignore the rest of the world. We're the only stabilizing influence in the country. He turns and orders a double tequila as the Mariachis play and the den in the saloon gets louder.............
 
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Two figures get up from a table, one wearing a bright red suit and the other wearing a sarape and sombrero and walk toward Mona and the stranger. "So who are you Santa Claws and one of his elves?" says Mona. "No I am corporal Poutine of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and this is my Mexican friend Poncha Qesadilla and we are here to make sure that if there is any stabilizing done it has to look after our countries too!
 
{{the drum beating stops abruptly}}
Jack Rabbit spins and points a drumstick the the two toilet-brush mutts sneaking up to him.

"I'm not going to let you two flea-bitten varmits sniff my butt again. The last time you got all excited and started humpin my legs. " "I had to send my fur to the Coolee laundry at the edge of town."

{{the drum beats start up to a steady rhythm once more}} Jack starts
"I got your lithium, for sale right here, just a shot of carrot juice, a whiskey and a beer"
"I got your lithium, for sale right here, just a shot of carrot juice, a whiskey and a beer"
"I got your lithium, for sale right here, just a shot of carrot juice, a whiskey and a beer"
"I got your lithium, for sale right here, just a shot of carrot juice, a whiskey and a beer"

Miss Kitty walks up to Jack with a shot glass and a beer. "I need some lithium, I am seeing strange things lately"

Jack tosses back the shot of three carrots, grabs the beer and heads upstairs, beconning Miss Kitty to follow. "I got your calm down right behind this drum and it requires special delivery."

Mona groans "Oh My , I have not eaten a poutine in ages" and takes another hit on the peyote smoke.
 
While no one notices the sun climbs higher and higher in the deep blue sky until... It is High Noon! The bell on the church starts to peal, bong, bong, bong, bong (All right, All right already! we get the picture!) and at the last bong there is a strange vibration emanating from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. "Wow, that is strange" screams Miss Rose "where is the off button for this damn bed?" "Why Miss Rose, I do believe that you are sleep walking" says Missus Beth whipping out her notebook to record all of the juicy details. "It's not just her, it's everyone" mutters Pastor Joel.

The stranger decides to get to the bottom of this strange buzz and enlists the help of the two bloodhounds, Ernie and Chico, to sniff out the source. Following their noses (and a good thing cause neither one can see out of their eyes because of their hairdos) the two dogs head straight for the laundry down the street. "Help, Help" yells the owner "my bloomers are unbalanced and I think that the washer is going to explode. Thinking fast both the stranger and Mona whip out their Colt 45s and plug the machine full of holes. The twitching stops.....
 
"yew stwangah"
"look waht yew dew"
"you woowin mah biznees"
"the tahts fwom the bahh wont cum and lean on my washahs any moh" "hee hee dey jiggle nicwee"
"look waht yew dew"
"look waht yew dew"

a string of what can only be profanities in a foreign tongue are aimed at the stranger and Mona as they walk away.
 
Meanwhile, back at the ranch... The infamous Brady Bunch Gang is fixin to have a hot chili showdown with Cartwrights, Pa, Adam, Hoss and Little Joe. The fires are stoked, the pots are bubbling and the zantac is ready.

"Pa, Pa the beef is burnin, the beef is burnin, What do we do?" cries Little Joe. "Calm down you silly boy" says Pa "and pay more attention to yer cookin and less to Marcia Brady's butt"

"Why are we here at this stupid Ponderosa ranch when everyone knows that the real twitchin Bonanza is at the GB&U saloon in Lago?" asks Peter Brady. The leader of the Brady Bunch gang, Mike, replies, "Listen, when you have as many mouths to feed as I do you will take any chance for free food too" "And quit ogling Hoss, it is embarrassing"
 
At the saloon, the hounds survey the twitching drunks and denizens, who are all boogying and bouncing furiously, while Chubby Checkers sings in the background, "Do the Twitch!" "Do the Twitch!" Gumby's head, being made of foam rubber is bouncing wildly and suddenly snaps off ... revealing a clone of The Stranger. Beth shoves Mona aside ... "it's age before beauty, dahlin', outta my way" ... and sidles up to The Stranger. "Mah goodness, ain't you the great big handsome cowboy," she breathes. "Why, yes ma'am," he replies, "and I just luuuuv older women." (This is MY version. Write your own fantasy.)

Beth simpers as The Stranger offers her his arm. Mona whips out her six-shooter and blasts away at Miss Beth, while Schoolmarm Rose tackles Miss Beth and drags her back to the Looney Bin. Mona blows the smoke from the end of her pistol and smiles up at the Stranger, who whips off his disguise to reveal the real, living, breathing ... Gumby ... in all his manly glory.

"Nobody cain clone The Stranger," he says, "and nobody cain resist The Gumby. Wait a sec ... I think Chubby's piano is out of tune. I'll be right back"

Mona undulates in anticipation.

Ernie turns to Chico. "May I?" he asks shyly. Chico obligingly turns around, and Ernie takes a quick whiff. "Ohhhhhh, nice." he says, undulating his tail.
 
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"Zaphoonogram for Mister Gumby! Zaphoonogram for Mister Gumby! Will the real Mister Gumby please step away from the piano and take this Zaphoonogram!" Gumby, grumbling that he couldn't seem to find Middle C (sorry that is the only one I know) on Chubby's Hindlicker Grand piano, steps forward and accepts the message. It reads:

HELP, BEING HELD ON ZOLOFT ISLAND BY THE 50 FT WOMAN, SEND HELP, POKEY

"Well at least she won't be trying to ride him, his legs wont hold anything" says Gumby. "But I don't know what he expects me to do, I am stuck here under contract as bartender/stranger. I know, I'll send the bunny! He can float to the island on his drum while he is beating it. Now I just have to get Kitty off of him"

Corporal Poutine is interested in meeting with the 50 ft woman so he volunteers his canoe and his beaver to help with the rescue. Just then 4 small barefoot men march trough the saloon doors and announce "we are here from the shire and we want to help just as soon as we find that old geezer Gandalf) The quest continues....
 
Jack drums himself into the saloon with the usual obnoxious entrance .

"I thought I smelled cheese - and I'm not referring to to you Poutine".

"Baggins , I think you have strayed from your quest, are you still playing with that silly ring"

Frodo, Merry, Pippin and Sam huddle together whispering to each other.
Frodo pops up and asks: "The last time we were in a place like this , they made us sleep upstairs, in hiding." "Can we rest upstairs until Gandalf comes for us?"

Jack pipes up , "if you boys head upstairs , I am not sure how much rest you will get" , and snickers (sounds more like a fart I would say)

Miss Kitty, grabs Mona and whispers in here ear "Ever had a dwarf?" (Yes , they are hobbits, but they never read the books). Mona whispers back , "No , and there are four of them - Oooo lets have some fun"

Miss Kitty undulates over to the four lads and offers " I am the owner of this fine establishment , you are more than welcome. Mona , lets you and I show these lads where to lie down upstairs".

Mona agrees , steps closer , sees the oversized feet , and almost drools and twitches right on the spot. "Please follow me"
 
Just then, Smeagol slithers into the saloon ripping the ring from Frodo's hand! Frodo screams "NOOOOOOO! No rest for us! We must get the ring!" And off they go on their quest.

Miss Kitty twitches and curses under her breath. (How do you curse under your breath anyway?) Mona yells "Paw! I think there's somethin' goin' on in the back room. Sounds like a smithy set up shop back of the saloon!"

Paw narrows his eyes at the bartender. "Sounds like you got some splainin to do mister." He ambles to the back of the saloon and busts the door open.

"Weight lifters in chaps? Isn't ropin' cattle enough for the likes of you? Think I've found the source of the twitching! Dang! I was lookin' forward to a good gunfight and some more whistlin music! Nothin' like a good cigar, gunfight and background music."
 
Bravo everyone!

I finally got the opportunity to read the whole thread and it is fantastic! Way to go, you guys! I laughed out loud!
Barry you have really outdone yourself. It is an ingenious concept. I love that the bloodhounds made a return appearance!

I look forward to next weekend! :wink:
 
As the sun sets on our wild, wicked, wanton, washed-up, wasted, weather-beaten, worm-eaten, wacko town the inhabitants stop twitching and return to the bar to celebrate another day. The stranger, who has finally revealed that his real name is Alphonse "But you can call me Al", has saddled his horse and ridden off into the sunset with Mona, looking for more twitches. Jack is off beating his...... drum to rescue Pokey from the 50 ft woman accompanied by Poutine and his beaver, Kitty is looking to expand the saloon or at least add a dog house addition for Ernie and Chico and a new weight room. Gumby finished tuning Chubby's piano and is back behind the bar mixing all of the liquor together for his next great shooter. Missus Beth has escaped from Miss Rose and Preacher Joel again and has set out after Al and Mona in a stolen chuckwagon. The Bradys and the Cartwrights are all in the hospital after sampling their chili concoctions. So all is well in the west again for another week......

Thanks for letting me throw out the first twitch, I look forward to next weekend!

Thelma, you're it! 8)8)
 
Oh boy, how will I follow this one up? The pressure is on... I have to think of a theme now. Any suggestions? 8)
 
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