Forum Follies: The Little House of Women

[BethU]

It is a dark and snowy night someplace where they have dark and snowy nights.

A man approaches the March house, perhaps attracted by the merry red light over the door in honor of the coming Christmas festivities.

He knocks.

“Beth, honey, could you get that,” calls Mrs. March to her daughter.

"I can’t ! I’m twitching again.”

Mrs. March rolls her eyes and adjusts her pirate bodice and the patch over her eye and undulates to the door.

“Why it’s Jack Hoff. You’re our first gentleman caller this evening.”

“Good evening, madam.”

Shyly, the other occupants of the residence undulate into the parlor, except for Beth, who can be heard twitching in the pantry.

It will be a busy night at the Little House of Women.

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OK, that's the premise. We need a variety of gentlemen callers, cops, firemen, law enforcement officers. Also, some more female roles besides Marne (mama?) Jo, Amy, Meg, and Beth. The role of Beth has been taken, by the way.

We also need a plot.

 

[brooksea]

Edward (played by Barry), the brother of Beth, is startled by the sound of coughing coming from the direction of the pantry. He politely excuses him self and bows to the ladies in company. Not to worry! Beth has only inhaled the powdered sugar she was using to dust the biscuits she was preparing for evening tea. (Is there such thing as evening tea?) The Irish Wolfhound seems to be pacing the floor furiously as she finishes up the biscuits and her brother Edward returns to the parlor to join their guest.

Secretly, Edward is troubled by the eagerness of this Jack Hoff to visit his family on this dark and snowy night. As he ponders this, there is another knock at the door, more like a tap, tap, tap. He grumbles to himself that his mother has really inconvenienced him this night and opens the door to a tiny woman with a strange accent (played by me of course!). She is a vision in her hooped skirt and fur shawl, sporting that silly umbrella, as if that would keep the snow and cold off her shoulders! Edward welcomed her graciously. But, he wonders why this quirky little woman has shown up on their doorstep in such wretched weather...And those eyes...like that of a cat!

 

[BarryG]

"Hello", says the tiny woman as Edward shows her to the parlour. "My name is Katharine, but you can call me Kitty, I am from Purrrsia". All of the women in the house are worried about this stranger in the house but Jack Hoff and Edward are captivated. They can't take their eyes off of her even when there is a loud banging at the front door. The wolfhound barks as Mrs. March (played by mare) opens the door to a giant of a man dressed in a dark cloak. The man pushes his way into the house roaring "Where is that felonious female feline?"

 

[rose]

....But then, their attention focused on the mysterious woman is diverted, as Beth runs through the parlor, grabbing her buttocks and shrieking that there is a snake in her bloomers. (and no, don't let your minds even go there).

Mrs March tries in vain to reassure Beth that what she's feeling just more of the unexplained twitches that appear to have taken possession of the young woman's body.

She draws Edward aside, and whispers that perhaps its time to seek out an exorcist. Before Edward can respond, a single shot rings out, and Jack Hoff falls to the floor, clutching his shoulder, and they just barely glimpse the cat woman hastily thrusting her hand into the folds of her voluminous skirts...

 

[GlenBrittle]

The giant stranger looks at Mrs March and introduces himself "I am Dr Bangs, Roddick Bangs" .

"Grab that Kitty before she shoots someone else. In her home country , she was the concubine to a prince, and she gave him more than love and was exiled. " "Shooting people has become a new pastime of hers , something about playing with things that shoot."

The other girls in the room jump on Kitty with orders to strip her down to make sure she does not have any other hidden weapons.

Dr. Bangs then says with a gleam in his eye, "I have come over to try to cure Beth of her twitches" . "First I must examine her" .

 

[rose]

The strange ensemble is standing around the parlor, no one sure what to make of this latest twist in the convoluted, undulating, cold and sinister night that they've been thrust into.

As the wind howls at the windows, Jack begins to stir on the floor, moaning and grabbing his shoulder. Dr Bangs examines his arm, and proclaims it only a scratch. A small gasp of relief escapes from Amy's lips, and she blushes, wondering if anyone noticed.



Its time for someone to take charge of the situation, and this plot, but who can help? Where is Nancy Drew, or, for that matter (just for me folks) where is Thomas Magnum?

 

[BethU]

The plot thickens and clots like milk left out too long ...

Kitty struggles free of the undulating mass of Victorian hoop skirts and bodices roiling on top of her and screams, "Daddy ! Why did you leave us ?" throwing her naked self on Jack. "And whatever happened to my evil twin?"

The front door is flung open by handsome Fire Captain Crunch and his crew of stalwart paramedics. "Did someone call 911?"

Amy blushes again, and undulates in embarrasement.

Dr. Bangs heads to the attic where the sound of twitching is getting louder.

Suddenly, the wolfhound bursts from the kitchen. "Begorra," he barks, and humps Captain Crunch's leg.

 

[rose]

Ernie is superb with accents, and he also has a cute little groan when he's first waking up or going to sleep that translates into any language. I can't wait to tell them at obedience class this upcoming Thursday how he's already in a major production, who knew he'd be such a rising star?

But, onto the weighty matter of deciding between Irish or Russian, it seems to me that we've got another schnoodle on the forum, Thelma's Chico. So, perhaps there can actually be two wolfhounds, and they can work it out between themselves which accent suits them best.

I'm hoping the hearth at the March residence is quite expansive, as there are a good many kitties (other than the mysterious woman) who probably want to have stand-in parts.

 

[BarryG]

Just then there is a high pitched whine outside. Edward goes to the window to see what on earth would make such a strange noise. He like most people of his time, has never heard or seen a car before let alone a bright red Ferrari being driven by a tall dark haired man dressed in a strange floral shirt and short pants. In the passenger seat is a young woman who has a name tag that says "Hi, I'm Nancy, do you want to be my speed date?" On her lap is a small dog with curly black hair. (OK Rose, how's that?)

Meanwhile Kitty is shivering in front of the hearth after having been stripped to search for weapons and Dr. Bangs and Beth are in the pantry conducting an "examination" wink wink nudge nudge!

 

[BarryG]

Meanwhile Kitty is shivering in front of the hearth after having been stripped to search for weapons and Dr. Bangs and Beth are in the pantry conducting an "examination" wink wink nudge nudge!

Sorry I meant to say that Dr bangs and Beth were in the attic not the pantry (have to keep the continuity you know)

 

[Zaphoon]

Meanwhile, Mr. March has been off participating in the War. News of his recent wounding is arriving by bycicle messenger. The young western union messenger has just gotten off his bike and is adjusting his cap and dusting the snow from his long coat.

His hands are freezing as he knocks on the front door of the March home. From outside, he can hear the undulating sounds eminating from a woman inside and someone screeming the name of, "Jack Hoff".

 

[thelma313]

The two wolfhounds work together humping Mrs March, Jack Hoff, Edward, and of course Kitty. The wolfhounds (played by Chico & Ernie) sense there are other people in the house to be humped and pick up a scent which they follow... all the way up to the attic where they storm in on Dr Roddick Bangs and Beth. Dr Bangs is startled and attempts to stop the black wolfhounds, brandishing only his little reflex hammer as a weapon. Of course the hounds counter attack and a mass of growls, snarls, barks, screams and thrashing bodies both canine and human, causes everyone else to come running to investigate.

 

[BethU]

Meanwhile, due to Dr. Bangs expert bedside techniques, Beth's twitches have reached a violent crescendo, and as she shrieks "yes, yes, yes" her head explodes in one G*I*G*A*N*T*I*C TWITCH.

A shadowy figure in a garish shirt enters the attic, only to be rudely shoved aside by Nancy. "I'll have what she's having," she cries, pointing to the now lifeless body of poor Beth.

"Can do," Dr. Bangs pants. "Just give me a minute, kay?"

"Kay," Nancy says, twitching expectantly.

Meanwhile, the frenzied pack of canines overpowers the tall, handsome shadowy figure, who sinks to the floor beneath the undulating mass of fur. "Get these dawgs offa me," the figure screams. "Don't they know I'm Magnum? Magnum P.I.?"

"Oh, hush," Nancy explains. "You are SO last millennium."

 

[GlenBrittle]

Dr Bangs chuckles as he sees that old dawg Magnum getting an education from the two wolfhounds. Just then , we see that famous Magnum smile.

Roddick reaches into the pocket of his discarded trousers , pulling out a vial of a special blue elixer he has con-cock-ted. He mutters "one day I need to put this in pill form" and swallows the liquid.

Nancy , in her school girl uniform starts discarding the clothing and murmors "OHHH DOCTOR ... You must scratch my itch with that "

Mrs March pokes her head into the attic , and can see that Beth is asleep on the floor with the widest grins on her face. Looking over at Nancy Screw , she smiles and thinks that she must go down to the pantry to see what can be found for the good Dr who will be hungry after two "exorcisms" in a row.

Downstairs , Jo, Amy and Meg have cornered the young western union messenger , asking him to "deliver".

 

[BethU]

Dr. Bangs better change his slogan to "I am ALWAYS ready!" :lol: