LizT
Very helpful member
- Joined
- Aug 8, 2010
- Messages
- 1,547
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Country
- US
- State
- WI
- City
- Beaver Dam
Hi All
I want to again, thank you all for the support I have been receiving since Ray passed away. Though I havent responded much, please know it is just because I am lost. I truly appreciate the time you all have given to send me so many messages and all the prayers. I hope you all understand why I have been quiet.
Im going to be honest with you all- Im not ok and im not sure if I will be. Given the circumstances of his death, Im not sure I can ever heal from this. I have dealt with a LOT of death, but this one is different. My body and soul literally aches for Ray. Just to hold him. To give him a million kisses. To lay in bed with him and talk and listen to our songs and plan our future. I miss batheing him, dressing him, suctioning him... I even miss helping him have a BM. I miss him peeing on me. I miss picking his nose.
I saw horrendous things throughout the process of his death... things that will never leave my mind. Looking into the eyes of your soulmate and seeing death is something I would never wish on anyone, and I hate alot of people...
I want to see that sparkle again. I want to see his face light up when I walk into the room again. I dont know how to go on without him, and to tell the truth- I dont want to.
I made promises to Ray that I wasnt allowed to keep. Im in agony over that. I promised he would not die the way he did. I promised him I would hold him when he died. Im promised him he would not be alone. I promised him that he would have the service he wanted. I wasnt able to follow through with any of those promises. Im afraid I have let him down.
I want you all to know that many of you have been better to me than my "real life" friends and family. And I know I wouldnt have made it this far without you all. Just know that I am still around- lurking mostly. I just dont have much to say for once in my life.
I want to again, thank you all for the support I have been receiving since Ray passed away. Though I havent responded much, please know it is just because I am lost. I truly appreciate the time you all have given to send me so many messages and all the prayers. I hope you all understand why I have been quiet.
Im going to be honest with you all- Im not ok and im not sure if I will be. Given the circumstances of his death, Im not sure I can ever heal from this. I have dealt with a LOT of death, but this one is different. My body and soul literally aches for Ray. Just to hold him. To give him a million kisses. To lay in bed with him and talk and listen to our songs and plan our future. I miss batheing him, dressing him, suctioning him... I even miss helping him have a BM. I miss him peeing on me. I miss picking his nose.
I saw horrendous things throughout the process of his death... things that will never leave my mind. Looking into the eyes of your soulmate and seeing death is something I would never wish on anyone, and I hate alot of people...
I want to see that sparkle again. I want to see his face light up when I walk into the room again. I dont know how to go on without him, and to tell the truth- I dont want to.
I made promises to Ray that I wasnt allowed to keep. Im in agony over that. I promised he would not die the way he did. I promised him I would hold him when he died. Im promised him he would not be alone. I promised him that he would have the service he wanted. I wasnt able to follow through with any of those promises. Im afraid I have let him down.
I want you all to know that many of you have been better to me than my "real life" friends and family. And I know I wouldnt have made it this far without you all. Just know that I am still around- lurking mostly. I just dont have much to say for once in my life.