Looking for feed back on my new poems

[MaxwellMurder]

Rise

O’ cruel world that cuffs and shackles, ties binds, bounds and blinds me to this piece of lumber where many martyrs hung before I.

O’ crude people who stare with pity, and speak, spit, vomit wisdom that holds true united ignorance.

O’ simple life that forbids the adventure of thinking outside the box and past the billboards.

Take warning, indeed take warning. For I will climb above. Climb as high as the sun and shine. Shine brighter then the most polished, smooth, slickest, shiniest piece of silver in your pocket.

And when I die I will fuel the fire that burns your billboards. I will cast shadows over your sunny summer days and you will speak my name.

Take warning O’ cruel world for I am the one that smiles when you spit in me face, for I am the one that casts down your pity and rises about your remarks of “He is nothing special”.

Take warning O’ crude people my will is too tough for point rocks and looks of distain, I will rise above and make you feel foolish

So take warning O’ simple life for I will not follow your rules, my spirit will not allow me to lay and wait.

 

[thelma313]

Maxwell, this is very powerful and I encourage you to continue writing and expressing yourself. It can only be cathartic and therapeutic. I am really impressed with your creativity.

If you want any constructive feedback, I would say (and this only is my personal take) try to write in a more natural language as well. You have a formal historic voice which I think is great but I am so curious to read some writing that is even closer to your own everyday speech. I sometimes feel that style puts a bit of a safety barrier between the writer and the reader. That is just my opinion though and I believe you are very talented. Keep it up!

 

[MaxwellMurder]

the way i write jumps all over the place, some times i use old english some times i dont, i have about 6 notebooks full of all my stuff. alot of it has to do with love. my writing has turnd into a more forcful yell in the last year because of all that has taken place, my diagnosed wasnt the worst thing that happen to me this year it was just anouther day in the year of 09. the women i suppose to merry left me after being together since we were 15 so i didnt know how to go about my day with out here wich threw me down a road of not eating not sleeping drinking far to much and by the end of one month i had lost 30 lbs, lost my job pretty much all my friends god bless the ones that put up with my violent out burst and self destruction, and after i weathred the storm and got threw it found a great job doing what i love and people love for me to do (cook), i bought a brand new car cuz i was making hella money, my hopes gotta little higher. then i was diagnosed i skipped alot of other stuff cuz its getting to long. preying 2010 is my up swing tho.

 

[thelma313]

Whoa, Maxwell. That is ONE INTENSE year you had. My heart goes out to you. I think it so great though that you pour your feelings out with all that writing. I am really looking forward to purchasing your published anthology of poems this year. I think you will be a great success.

 

[MaxwellMurder]

thats what my editor says, i think she just wants me to pay her for once tho lol

 

[brooksea]

You go boy! Look forward to reading much, much more!