jmlong
New member
- Joined
- Jan 28, 2011
- Messages
- 6
- Reason
- CALS
- Diagnosis
- 06/2010
- Country
- US
- State
- MO
- City
- Independence
A week ago today my husband passed away. I thought it would be another typical er visit, but i knew he didn't look good. Once the ambulance turned on their sirens i immediately called my dad telling him i needed him. My husband had an iliostomy surgery the week before and we were on high spirits that life would be easier. He had Crohn's disease as well and w/ his mobility going quickly, the surgery seemed to be a way to make his life and mine easier. He was sick and pale while we waited for the ambulance to arrive w/ the chair to get him down the stairs. I got a wash cloth and cleaned his face and couldn't quite get it all out his beard. the last thing i said to him was i'll clean you up at the hospital. i had finally found us a handicap van two days prior and had legalzed it that day. i was to sign papers on a house i found for him that would be one level the next day. i worked so hard to make him happy and alive. and for him to die in the er on what i thought was a typical crohn's issue... i'm mad. we have an 11 month old son and he was looking forward to his bday in a few weeks. i had let him pick out the final design that night for the invitations. i'm so mad and sad that he's gone. we were only married 2 1/2 years. he won't get to see his son walk for the first time. he won't be able to do so many things and i'm mad about it. but at the same time i'm glad he's not in pain anymore. that he's not withering away before me and he didn't get to the harder and more terribly stages of als. but i just don't know how to feel. Memphis (my son) and i are staying at my moms and i'm keeping him on his routine of our daycare and such. but i just want to lay in bed and stare at the walls but my mom wants me to keep moving and get out. we went and bough me a new bed today as i'm still buying he house but it wasn't the excitement that it should have been. this was something jerome and i should've have done together. i have only really cried during the funeral arrangements, viewing and service. we still have one more service to go and it may not be till next week. (he wanted to be cremated, but his family wanted an open casket service) i've made sure everything had gone and will go the way he wanted it to. i just can't stand another week. i just can't stand feeling lost. i can't stand not having my husband with me. i miss him so much and i would take him back and continue aiding him and telling him we're in this together. but now i feel like i'm in it alone. i know i'm venting and i'm sorry.. i just am tired and lost and i miss him.
