Today is 6 months..

[MACDONR]

since my mom or "mummsy" as we called her, passed away. There are days that I think about her I feel like I'm going crazy. I miss her so much that on other days I won't even let myself think about her. When something happens with my kids ie. good report card, something funny they say, I still think in my head "I have to call mummsy and tell her". My family is going on vacation this Saturday and the other day I was thinking "oh my gosh, I didn't tell mom we're going". I dream about her and every time I'm so happy to see her happy and healthy again. But then in my head I'm worried that she'll notice that we've sold her house and all her furniture is gone. There are days that I still cannot fathom that she is gone, never mind losing her to ALS. I'm so pissed off at this disease and how cruel it is. We only had 8 months with her from time of diagnosis to time of passing. From the day afer she was diagnosed, I saw her decline every time I saw her. She knew what ALS was going to take from her. My mom went through so much adversity in her life I always thought that her senior years would bring her peace and happiness, but no such luck. Sorry for ranting and crying - I know she is at peace now but it doesn't stop me from wanting her back here with me.

 

[irismarie]

BIg hug with all our arms around you. There is nothing to say except that it will gradually get easier. And when it DOES get easier, do not fall into the trap of feeling guilty cos days can pass without thinking of her. I like to think that if we can let go it helps THEM too to move on. Maybe seeing us in too much pain can keep them from moving on............;
So sorry for your agony. Try not to be allone too much, sweetheart.
Love love love surrounds you

 

[handinhand]

I am so sorry for your pain. I hope things get easier for you as time passes. I worry so about my family when I am gone.. I want them to be happy and remember all the good memories we made together....please come here often. We understand the pain that is associated with this horrible decease . Big hugs to you, Linda

 

[pepsiman]

MACDONR,
I'm right there with you. My wife passed from ALS in November. I frequently catch myself thinking "gotta tell Liz about this when I get home", but she's not here anymore. I still struggle every day with the realization that she won't be here for our four kid's "life events" and that we won't be sharing our golden years together. It gets better with time, but the sadness never really goes away. Hang on, remember the good times and try to be the person you know she would want you to be.
Dick

 

[hjkangel]

ALS is such a painful brutal disease. My Dad was diagnosed w/ ALS-extremity onset 3/10 and he took his last walking steps 2 d ago. He cannot use his arms and basically cannot do anything. He was ALWAYS sooo active and 'outdoorsy'. I understand the pain. You are amoung friends here that understand the brutality of the disease and the emotional havoc it creates. Cherish your memories and you will work though your pain. Hugs.

 

[JeffP]

oh i can just feel your pain right now as i read your story .its very hard letting go of someone you loved so dearly .i believe your mom is at peace right now no more pain for here .its hard for me to express in words how to deal with it and how long it will hurt ,but i do know god will be there with you and as time goes by more of your thoughts will be centered on all the cherishable moments you shared together .i pray gives you peace so you dont keep feeling the pain your in my prayers .keep coming back and let us help you through these days

 

[Phil M]

I just can't imagine what it must be like to have such fast progression. It has to be overwhelming! Mine has been slow, and I don't easily realize what I have lost. Having loved ones is a blessing, but also makes us more emotional. I feel so bad for what I am putting my family through. I try my best to make it easier for them by remaining positive, and masking how bad off I really am. Just know that she does not want you to live with the sadness.

 

[luvnmm]

MACDONR - I felt a lot of your pain as I read your post. I am so sorry to hear about your mom passing, and so quickly. Forgive my asking, but how far had the disease progressed by the time she was diagnosed? Reason I ask, my mom was diagnosed with ALS Sept 2009. I don't get to see her very often, but when I do, she seems to have declined a lot quicker (to me anyway) than say a lot of other patients do. She has limb onset with bulbar symptoms. Sorry, enough about me. Try to remember the good times and the love you shared. Whenever you feel like telling her something or giving her a call, send her a little prayer and tell her. You are still going to be sad, and with time it will lessen. All here at the forum are here for you. Let us know how you're doing.
Peace be with you.

 

[MACDONR]

thank you all for your kind words. I knew when I wrote my post that my friends (all of you) would understand what I am going through (unfortunately). I kept my mom's calendar that she had hanging up in her kitchen - I'll always remember April 20, 2009 - the day she wrote "Bad News". LUVNMM - to answer your question (no forgiving necessary), my mom first had her symptoms in 2008. She was starting to lose strength in her left hand. Then she started tripping alot more, she had a "cold" that just wouldn't go away -coughing ALL the time, losing her sense of smell (don't know if that is associated w/ ALS though). Then the docs thought she had asthma and was put on meds for that. Oh I was so happy when I thought it was just asthma. But all the meds, catscan results (she thought maybe she had a stroke because she was slurring her speech), were just not adding up and then BOOM! the words I'll never forget when my mom said "the doctor said all the test results are leading to ALS". You know that saying - "my blood ran cold?" that's what it felt like - my blood turned to ice. Sorry for rambling - to make a long story longer, mummsy started having her symptoms in 2008 but after that fateful day in April, it was very fast. Become weaker, not being able to eat etc. Thank you all again - I'm so glad we all have each other.

 

[Blubear]

Well first of all I would like to take a moment to welcome you MACDONR to our forum. A lot of us have dealt with death here. I lost my husband suddenly in 9/07. I literally went fruit loops for 2 years. Everyone deals with loss in the same pattern but in different ways. The grief process is very real. Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. It sounds like you are still hovering in the denial stage hun. Give it time, all of this will pass. I went to a grief class that I found though our local hospital that was run through hospice. It was basically going once a week for 12 weeks and teaching you how to cope, what to expect and to get your feelings out with other people who are going through the same thing. When you say that some days you think about her all the time and then other days you will yourself not to. It is just your way of coping. Your body can only handle so much grief at one time, so it feels the need to protect itself by taking a break from the grief. That's normal. Again, all this will pass in time. Sorry, there is no magic thing to speed the process up no matter how hard you try. But going to a grief class can help you to talk about all the feelings you are going through. They will try to help you through the process. They told me in that class to expect 2 years until I would come to the acceptance stage, and they were spot on with that. They will teach you how to get through holidays, family events etc. I really recommend it. If you need to talk, I am here for ya!
Hugs, Kari

 

[thelma313]

Macdonr, I can't even tell you how much I sympathize with your feelings. I wish I had some wisdom to share with you but my dad only passed away just under 3 months ago and my pain is still so raw, it is overwhelming sometimes. I am happy to hear that you have dreams of your mother and, in them she is happy. I think that is a very good thing. For the first 2 months after my dad died I had nothing but terrifying flashbacks to his suffering and moment of death. Only now are those flashbacks starting to diminish... they still come but I now see him as he was before ALS too, happy and smiling. I know that our parents would want us too, to be happy and strong.

I know exactly what you mean about getting the urge to call your mom with news. My dad was an extremely talented gardener and this year I have planted some flower boxes. My first thought was to email him a picture of them... but I guess they don't have email in Heaven yet. I hope Please know that you are among people who understand all too well. It is so hard to say good-bye but your mother's spirit is always around and you carry her love in your heart wherever you go.

Be well,
Rosella

 

[handinhand]

Ok girls, this mom wants you to try your hardest to be happy. I am looking at both of you and wondering how my children will do after I am gone....I just want to be remembered. I want my family to be at peace with the fact that my poor decreapted body will leave my joyful soul? I will still be close to each of them.. Just in a different way... Sending a mothers love to both of you today. Hugs, Linda