Unsupportive family and anger

[Bear1011]

I need some advice on this topic. It's something that has been bothering me for a long time.

So for those that haven't read my background, my grandfather suffered from PLS, probably for 20 years. He lived with my family at home, moved around with us, we took care of him until he passed 13 years ago. He was completely invalid the majority of my life and couldn't even speak. I was 16 when he died. Two years later, my mom got symptoms and we started on the long journey towards finding out it was PLS.

Here's the crux of my thread. My mom has a younger sister who has always been somewhat the black sheep of the family, causing a lot of problems over the years. She did not get PLS. She never helped to care for my grandfather during his illness. Didn't offer financial support, didn't visit. After he died, she accused my mother of keeping her from my grandfather and blamed my mom for not getting quality time with him. Utter BS. Cause a big rift for a long time.

Around that time, my great uncle (also my mom's uncle) was getting old and my great aunt had died a few years before, so he came to stay with us often. During one visit he broke his hip, and after that he declined quickly. He came to live with us for two years, until my mom started with her PLS symptoms. Now, going back to my aunt's accusations, we sent my great uncle to live with her because it was hard for my mom to get around, let alone care for her uncle. Let's just say, great uncle didn't make it a year at my aunt's before she stuck him in a nursing home. It was just "too much" work for her.

Now we come to my mom. She tried to keep in touch with my aunt during the early stages of her illness. She went out to visit once. After that, we didn't hear from my aunt for a good 6 years. My dad occasionally kept in touch with my uncle, but not a peep from my aunt. Until last year. The impetus was my brother's wedding. My aunt and uncle came (it was out of town so they did not see my mom then). Went on and on at the wedding about how they meant to come visit. Over the years my uncle always said they would, but at the last minute would come up with some excuse not to. This time they finally did, two months after the wedding. It was not certain until last minute because my uncle said my aunt doesn't like to get on planes. Apparently that didn't stop her from taking a trip to Florida the month before. Whatever. My aunt didn't interact with my mom at all. And we haven't heard from her since.

At this point, you can probably guess I hate my aunt, for everything over the years. In my eyes, she abandoned her father and her sister and I will never forgiver her for that. I thought I might last year, but I see she hasn't changed. She's a drunk. I've lived with this for a long time. What brought it up is that my cousin got married earlier this month. My uncle said he'd invite me and my brother. Invites never showed.

Sorry this was long, but I needed to provide background for my feelings. And so I'm wondering if anyone else has family that acts this way. How do you deal with it? Just forget it? I suppose she really isn't worth worrying about- I have enough of that with my mom. But I just want to know- I'm not the only one with bitter feelings towards family, am I?

 

[Bear1011]

Oh, one thing I forgot to add. Money is not an issue for them and never has been. My uncle is a millionaire.

 

[johnnyliverpool1]

families and how to survive them, john cleese book..........nothing out of the ordinary in what you say me old son......dont let em get to you cos then they win and you lose...johnny ps, wait till your fighting over a will..now that will cause a song and a dance....i been there got the t.shirt ....

 

[vickim]

I think as long as you are okay with your feelings, and can live with yourself, then that's all that matters. Your feelings and your immediate family is all you need to concern yourself with. All the hubbub and goobledgook is just that. You know what is important and what is worth worrying about.

Family even extended family have sqabbles. It is normal human nature. Your aunt behaves the way she does because deep down she feels guilty for her behavior and this is how she is dealing with it , making excuses and causing trouble to make herself feel better. Sad really and her loss. Remember you reap what you sow. Its karma.

Be the big man, in the end you win. Peace.

 

[Txgirl]

I can relate to a non supportive family member. My own father that lives 20 minutes from me has not called me once or made any effort to contact me and he knows that I have ALS.
I guess everybody has one in their family.

 

[Nighthawk]

I also can relate some "extended family" members who just have turned a blind eye right after my diagnosis, let alone some "friends" and acquaintances.
But well, life must go on and at least, I have support in the family from members that matter most, both of my parents and my siblings.


Carlos

 

[AKmom]

Life is too short to hold grief and unforgiveness to even those who do not deserve forgiveness. Unforgiveness turns to bitterness and bitterness causes stress, stress causes your body to break down and can eventually kill you. So to say she is not worth it, you are correct. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to expect anything from her, it just means you have made peace with the fact that she, for whatever reason, cannot deal with others who require help.

Thus, all that matters is what YOU do with all this family business. I have so many people in my family that have so many issues. I do not expect a thing from them, thus I am never disappointed. I do not hold it against them, because they have their own lives. What you do with your life is what matters most to you! Choose to live it better than them! With a clear conscience and a pure heart when you help your mom and forgive others. That will be health to you and cause less stress in your life.

That is my best advice. I had to learn this years ago.

 

[AKjo]

I like your style, Joyce!

 

[Bear1011]

That was beautiful Joyce. Thank you for some wise words.

 

[Tokahfang]

Thank you, Joyce, you articulated what I was thinking but couldn't find a good way to say. Wallowing in bitterness and hatred is like throwing yourself in front of a train to punish your enemy, it destroys you and doesn't bother them at all.

Sometimes I think we have an easier time forgiving the relative stranger than we do our family. We can tell ourselves that there is something about this person that makes them behave this way, something in their past or their circumstances that we do not know. But with family we feel like we do know these things, and finding no justification in our knowledge, we struggle more to forgive.

 

[designdiva]

I can certainly relate and can attest to the personal stress and feelings of bitterness that holding onto that hatred causes. I can only say that I have done my best to remove those family members from my life as much as possible, no I can't "erase" them but I deleted them from my facebook friends so I don't have to read their stupid non-sense because I would just keep going back to it and hating them more, I don't call them or seek them out and if we do end up in the same places I do my best to keep it short and simple and then wipe it from my brain, I try not to talk about them to anyone because even explaining the situation seemingly re-stresses me all over again, I quit going over all the nasty things I would like to say to them in my head, etc. We all have enough to deal with on our plates without dwelling over a person or relationship we can't do anything about and holding onto those feelings or trying to understand the poor actions/choices/words of another person will consume you continually for as long as you let it. Go forth, be strong and be the best person you can be to make up for some of the crappy people in the world