How to Explain to Three Year Old

Status
Not open for further replies.

jessicapen

New member
Joined
Aug 5, 2009
Messages
3
Reason
Loved one DX
Diagnosis
07/2009
Country
US
State
CA
City
Pacifica
Hi,

I am new to the forum. My father-in-law was diagnosed last month with PLS/ALS, depending on which doctor is diagnosing. Right now he mainly just has issues with reflexes and reacting quickly and dragging one leg making it difficult to get around or get up on high beds, etc.

I am looking for some advice on how to explain what is happening and what might happen to our three year old. Any advice out there on helping a young one understand this disease? I am at a total loss, as I am still trying to figure it out for myself, but I know I need to have the conversation soon, as my three year old is very observant and noticing the changes in his grandpa.

Thanks!
 
Well, first of all - your three year old is "3." Kind of a young age to really understand a medical condition. It is important that you explain things on a 3 year old's level. No scary details, as they will latch on to the scary stuff and forget the rest. No mention of death either. Just explain what is happening at the moment. No one knows how long your FIL will be around. He could be gone tomorrow of a heart attack or hit by a bus as they say.

My son was 6 when his daddy was diagnosed. We have taken it a day or symptom at a time. He is handling it very well, except for the time his classmates made fun of his daddy's speech. But that was handled nicely by the school counselor. My son being older, has asked questions and I have answered them as honestly as I can. Example would be the one about "Is Daddy going to die?" I told him we all have to die some day and no one knows when that will be. Question answered, no need to go into details unless further questioning followed.

I take moments when we are out together to point out things that might someday occur (we don't know for sure). Like the paralyzed Vet asking for donations at the local Walmart..."see that wheelchair? He can go pretty fast in it if he wants to. Daddy may need one some day if his walking gets wobbly." I try to steer my son towards the positive in things. Like the guy at the park that was mentally challenged and expressed concern to us about grasshoppers jumping on him. My son obviously knew there was something different about him, but didn't understand what. I let him know that some people are mentally challenged and are not able to use their brains like us, but they deserve the same kindness as everyone else. Just like some people cannot walk or talk. We need to always be kind and helpful to these people.

Your local ALS Assoc. may have helpful materials regarding this. Look up the organization: www.alsa.org

Some local ALSAs provide counseling if necessary.

Hope that was of some help.
 
Cj-

I don't think a child psychologist could do better than that! Great advice, IMHO!
 
That is why CJ is a "Very Helpful Member"
 
I have a 3 year old daughter as well. So far she hasn't asked any 'tough' questions and I haven't tried to explain what's going on as well. She knows that I can play with her, but she wants me to go for a walk with her daily. First time she saw me take a tumble, she asked me what happened. I just said I have weak legs. She understood and advised me on how to maintain balance (she learnt it from Dora). That's how I do it, just let her know what's going on (if she asks) without too much detail. So far it has worked out.
 
Yes nishant! It is your daughter's normal! Right? She relates on her own level like my son!

mare - I may NEED a psychologist! LOL :shock:
 
Excellent advice CJ,

Nishant - love the Dora reference!

My 7yo asks very specific questions and we answer them and don't elaborate. She understands Paps is sick and can't do things like he use to. With each new symptom or piece of equipment she asks questions gets answers that seem to satisfy her and accepts that this is just the new normal for Paps.

The ALS social worker gave us a brochure on how to talk with children about ALS for different age groups that was helpful. I think Mom has it but would be glad to try to scan it in and email if anyone interested.

Dana
 
CJ,
Wow that was amazing advice, you never stop amazing me. We are so lucky to have you. Once again proving this forum is more valuable than any credentials next to a name.
 
My 3-yr. old granddaughter visits me once or twice a week. I have "sick legs" and when I've gotten devices (first the walker, then the power chair) we've looked at them as fun ways to get around. She climbs up on my lap, we read stories in my hospital bed, we go out on walks - she in the stroller pushed by Mum, I in the power chair. She kisses my legs to make them better, and we don't "correct" her when she talks about when my legs get better. Mum and Dad answer her infrequent questions, simply and on her level, and, since 3-yr. olds don't know about death, it is never mentioned. We focus on what we can do, not what is no longer there for us.
 
Thanks!

Thank you so much for the wonderful advice. It all makes total sense and helped to relieve a lot of stress from my mind. I used to be a teacher before having children, and I used to take my class to the nearby residential hospital and we worked with residents with dementia, palliative care, etc. I gave them lots of similar advice. However, when you are the one in the middle of the situation it seems so much harder to find the answers.

I agree that the advice given was said as well as any child psychologist or better.

Thanks again for the great advice and the quick responses. I feel very welcomed already.

Jessica
 
Brochure

Hi Dana,

I would love a copy of the brochure; if it's not too much trouble.

Thanks,

Jessica
 
Gran,
Welcome to the forum, and what great advice you have already shared. My mom was sick when my son was young and that reminded me how she handled it with my son, he loved her so much, and he learned compassion and sensitivity through his young years with his nana, and now has those fine memories of her.
 
Jessica,
A moderator is sending a private message to you for me since you are new I can't send a direct message to you just yet.
Dana
 
Good question and great answer! It was right before my daughter's 4th birthday that my dad was diagnosed with ALS in October 2007. He's progressed, of course, since it's been almost two years, and she has certainly noticed the changes. She asks questions when she needs to, and we answer as honestly and with as much/little detail as satisfies her for an answer. As CJ mentioned, people are different and have different abilities/ways of doing, living, getting along. She knows what Grandpa can't do but also what she can do with him and goes along with it. Because we live away there are greater changes we're seeing each time than my nephew, who lives in town - it's more gradual for him.

Very sorry to hear of your father's-in-law diagnosis. All I can say is take advantage of all the time/visits you can while you can and don't stop living - my dad is truly LIVING with ALS, not dying from it.
 
My daughter was three when my father was placed on the ventilator due to the ALS. At first she was scared of all of the tubes and noise. She wouldn't give him a hug or kiss above his knee. Despite that we knew it hurt his feelings, he let her get used to the changes on her terms. It's a year later and she has been giving her pap-pap lots of hugs and kisses. I guess my point is, don't be upset when the changes cause such a reaction in your child. Kids adapt easier than we do. Eventually they accept the changes if they are taught not to fear them.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top