Tears and a tuna-melt.

[hisfirstdaughter]

So I had to work all day...when I finally got a chance to look at my cell phone I saw that my dad called and he left me a message. He needed help filling out a return slip for some no-zipper pants he just purchased online...he can no longer write with any accute accuracy. So after work I rushed over there to help him out. Well my step-mother and the baby are out of town visiting Gramma so my dad's been alone for a few days. I came over the first night to eat with him and watch movies...but today just as I was walking in the front door he was making himself a tuna sandwich. Struggling...but doing it. He decided he wanted to heat it up (sort of like a tuna-melt), so he put it in the microwave...well as he was trying to take it out of the microwave half of it fell on the ground because it was hot and he couldn't hold it or react fact enough. He didn't even ask me once for help..should I offer it always? I want to give him space to be independent while he still can, he's got so much pride. I don't want to step on it and make him feel incapable...but I also hate to see his struggle and disappointment and frustration.

He kicked the microwave door shut and spilled all kinds of stuff on the ground. I just felt helpless as I'm sure he did. I had to leave the room for a minute and wipe away my tears. Its just SO DAMN HARD! I don't like that he's alone, that she left for 4 days. I know he's okay, that he can handle it at this point, but I still know that he's had that much less distraction from everything so he's been thinking a lot. Alone. I'm busy and can't be there all the time but I wish I could!

Anyway just wanted to share...

 

[GlenBrittle]

You are doing all of the right things wanting to help your father. Bless you.

I can only guess on how you are feeling.

Being on the other side of the fence (Yep Im the Dad with ALS) , just talk to him and explain that you would like to be able , in some way , ask him if he needs help without upsetting him or impeding on his independance.

I have set it up with the family that they must ask first and to leave me alone if I say no. They ask a lot , and I patiently tell them each time . Sometimes I even say yes.

Glen

 

[brendapals]

Bless your heart. I know how hard that must be for you, and even harder for your dad. Some days are better than others, aren't they? But I've always heard that variety is the spice of life, so for me, the more "variety" I have with ALS, the more I learn about it.

And please, always feel free to get on here and share your stories with us,your "forum family", sometimes it can help just to know you're not the only one with the tears. As far as wondering how much he wants you to help him, you might just have to ask him. I know for me-it is extremely hard to ask for help.

I'll certainly keep you and your father in my prayers,
Have a great weekend!
Get some rest!
-brenda

 

[hisfirstdaughter]

Its such a strange feeling to ask your father if he needs help doing the littlest things...and I know he hates that this is happening and it makes it that much harder. I will search for the strength to talk to him about it, about when its okay to ask and when to let him do his thing.

Thanks guys.

 

[brooksea]

"and now's the time, the time is now"

You need to just ask him if he needs help. He will let you know, Father to Daughter. You may have a real eye opening event!

Just love him as you always have. He loves you more than anything in this world, and would welcome knowing you want to help. But let him decide when he wants the help.



Good luck!

 

[olly]

its hard to say,i like to do little jobs around the home and my son does anything i can not do .
sometimes i struggle but want to do it for myself or want help but dont want to ask.
my son see's me struggling so offers but gets upset if i say no(sometimes i do but i am stubborn)
just tell him to let you know if he is struggling and needs help.
i know the frustration he must have felt when cooking,i have had so many burns and scolds on my hands and can be a liability in the kitchen.

 

[thelma313]

Oh Chelsea, I totally know how you feel. It's so hard when your Dad needs help doing something simple. They're our Dads and are used to being the ones that we daughters go to for help. My Dad took a nasty spill walking to the car and because he has bulbar onset he burst into tears and cried. Both my sister and I happened to be there and just flew into action. Helping him, wiping away his tears and his scrapes. It was such a case of role reversal. On the inside I thought my heart would break. As soon as he pulled himself together and got behind the wheel (he can still drive) my sister and I privately shed our own tears. It was difficult but later he was back to himself. Making us laugh and being his usual bratty self.

And that's how life is for us now. There are stretches of time that are happy and our Dad is still our Dad, then something happens to remind us of something he has lost and it makes us all cry. Yet it hasn't all been about the losses. We've gained a lot too. I was close to my Dad before but he was a stoic tight-lipped guy's guy but no he is sweet, affectionate and more communicative than ever. As a result we are closer than ever.

And because of that closeness I always ask him if he wants me to help. When I see him struggling to get up the stairs I always ask, "Dad, wanna boost?" He always says no. He wants to be as independent as he can. Then I just tell him, "Fine but I'll walk behind you so if you fall I'll be your soft landing." That always makes him laugh. I always try to lighten the mood when I offer my help. If I see him walking with his cane, I always take his arm and say, "Hey Dad can I put some weight on that cane too? I feel kinda tired" and I help him. He smiles. He knows what I'm doing but that's okay with him. If he really does not want my help he says no and that's okay. If we make the offer for help into a very serious big deal, I think that makes it worse. If we approach the situation with a little humor I think it helps. It helps my Dad anyway.

 

[DgtofTNfan]

Chelsea I struggle with this as well. I take my cues from Dad. Once he was trying to open a zip-lock bag and I reached for it and he gave me "the look" and he finally got it open. Other times when he he is struggling with something, he will toss it to me to open.

The same with his speech. The SLP has empowered him to put up his hand in a silent request for "patience, let me finish" method when someone attempts to talk over him. I am terrible at trying to complete other peoples sentences in general (its a personal flaw LOL!) but I have learned to be patient and just let him get it out. Sometimes I get the hand up even when he was not talking and we both laugh. So we use humor to get through the tough moments.

We are all searching for the strength and ability to endure what seems the impossible but we are managing one day at a time.

 

[MtPockets]

I know your dad is grateful for any help you can be to him. I know my four children have their own lives and jobs and I can understand why they do not visit often, or help. But it is appreciated when they do help, or at least come by for a visit.
Your dad is blessed to have you.