Humor for all!

[joelc]

I just received this email - I trust you all have a sense of humor!



Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.

Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!


Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Please send this on to any Canadian (or others) who you think will enjoy it as much as I did.

[ktmj]

Now that is funny right there.

[joelc]

*Eggplant Sale*


A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea.--three for a dollar."


All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"


Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.


The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"


"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

[joelc]

Forget Rednecks,
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks.


If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, You may live in Canada .


If someone in a Home Depot store Offers you assistance and they don't work there, You may live in Canada .


If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You may live in Canada .


If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation With someone who dialed a wrong number, You may live in Canada .


If 'Vacation' means going anywhere South of Detroit for the weekend, You may live in Canada .


If you measure distance in hours, You may live in Canada .


If you know several people Who have hit a deer more than once, You may live in Canada .


If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' In the same day and back again, You may live in Canada .


If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow During a raging blizzard without flinching, You may live in Canada .


If you install security lights on your house and garage, But leave both unlocked, You may live in Canada .


If you carry jumpers in your car And your wife knows how to use them, You may live in Canada .


If you design your kid's Halloween costume To fit over a snowsuit, You may live in Canada .


If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- You're going 90 and everybody is passing you, You may live in Canada .


If driving is better in the winter Because the potholes are filled with snow, You may live in Canada .


If you know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, And road construction, You may live in Canada .


If you have more miles On your snow blower than your car, You may live in Canada .


If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', You may live in Canada .


If you actually understand these jokes, You definitely live in Canada .

[wright]

Very funny, Joel

I've only been to Canada once (Toronto) but I sure did laugh my a__ off reading those, including the crack about us Americans not knowing the English language.

[laurel]

I loved it Joel.
Laurel

[Micheline]

love it...it's sad that I can relate to some of these.LOL

[brooksea]

Hope ya got yer green on!

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"