More than I can bare

[tripete]

I am tired. My wife tells me that I have been yelling, snapping, and mean to her. I don't remember any of it and she says she knows that it is not normal for me. Do you know that you are emotionally out of control with FTD?

I can't stand living like this (physically and emotionally) this anymore but don't have any real choice.

 

[affected]

Oh Pete, it is more likely to be CO2 issues with you than anything. FTD does not happen suddenly. Also rather than 'forgetting', what happens is they feel completely justified and don't even think they are behaving differently.

I'm so sorry, this disease just never stops giving (taking).

 

[azgirl]

so sorry Pete. I agree with Tillie, breathing issue or maybe frustration and fatigue from being trapped in a dysfunctional body for so long. Just makes me want to scream or hit something.
I know your thoughts about drug intervention, but a mild antidepressant and some good old mmj sure help me get through the days in a happier place.

 

[ShiftKicker]

Pete, I am so sorry for this particular struggle you are having. I think you may find many here who experience anger, impatience and frustration. Tillie brings up a good point about the co2 issue. I can only speak from my experience here- I experience a notable and extremely negative change in mood and ability to cope or interact with other people when I have not used breathing help at night. I hate the damn thing, but it helps.

Depression can exhibit itself with anger/rage/frustration/irritability. It can only be compounded by the deep fatigue you must feel. It doesn't seem fair. You are a good man, so this must be intolerable for you to have to confront. I am so sorry you are experiencing this-
the resulting despair is obvious.

 

[bigmark1954]

Re: More than I cn bare

Sorry Pete, that things are going rough for you...There must be something wrong with us! Things have been sh!tty for me lately as well.

I seem to go thru cycles of negativity. You must be like that as well. The mental part of MND is as bad or worse than the physical deficits. This is an ugly curse that nobody should have to go thru.

Keep in mind that you have shared the love and respect you have for your wife......maybe it's the full moon or just a phase.

When I have periods of desperation and frustration I can't even yell or verbally abuse anyone. It sucks...Thank God I can still lift my middle fingers!

Lighten up while you still can...this to will pass.

 

[Atsugi]

In the hopes that this will help, Pete:

The day after I took my first anti-depressant, a huge weight lifted off me. I still had the same problems as before, but now my attitude was better able to cope.

Just know we're here for you, man.

 

[Narrowminded]

Hugs Pete. Do get your breathing checked and think about an anti depressent. They do help when really needed.

Hugs,

Sue

 

[Manhattanite]

Hello Pete, there is nothing I can say except that I think of you often when I come to this site and what you are going through and your journey. Hugs.

 

[gooseberry]

Steve was the same way Pete. He was quite nasty at times. He too wasnt aware...he seemed to totally lose his filter and many hurtful things left his mouth.

 

[Lkaibel]

I am so sorry Pete. Thinking of you.

 

[Jlynn]

Pete...when my brother would get "cranky" (he did not have ftd) I would remind myself how hard and terrifying at times it was for him not just physically but mentally. We used to call it a mental mind f**k. While it is not easy for the person on the receiving end it is TOTALLY forgivable. I personally could forgive any human with ALS just about anything as I have seen nothing worse than what that beast can do. Hang in there and try to go easy on yourself. Hugs to you.

 

[KimT]

Pete,

I was about to take a break from the forum but my housemate was signed in and I saw your post.

First, I know how much you love your wife and family. I've been impressed by your dedication and loving attitude since I read your first post. You continue to post that you are staying in the game for their sake and never want to be a burden. Your wife will never forget that and you shouldn't either.

I honestly believe, since you have no recall of the event(s), it must be CO2 buildup. Perhaps, a combination of CO2 and depression.

I recall the reason you're not taking meds is because you want to be "there" for your family and not be out of it. What if trying an antidepressant helped you to be more "Pete?" When I started taking Remeron, it was like a bright light came into my life. I didn't believe I was depressed but I was severely depressed. I didn't believe it because I had never experienced it. I guess it just sort of crept up on me. It did come along with another medical condition but, after discovering Remeron (Mirtazapine), everything seemed better.

Everyone here knows what a good man you are and how much your wife and family mean to you.

 

[chally]

Hang tight Pete, I have a taste of the same mess!
It does pass and then good then not so good again, we know where this is going but not what stop is ours so keep on keeping on!
Love ya man
Chally

 

[lgelb]

Pete, there is no PALS or CALS here that has not lost control and felt regret. ALS is pretty much the definition of loss of control in many ways. Whose mind will not bend under the weight of that loss?

Whether it is fatigue and/or depression, CO2, FTD, less severe cognitive dysfunction, whatever, the choice to try medication or not is yours alone. Also, I would be happy to look at your BiPAP settings and/or data.

Your wife knows that the worst of what you say and do is because you have a disease, not because you love or care about her any less than ever.

Best,
Laurie

 

[tripete]

I thank all of you for your support and help.