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bear1973

Distinguished member
Joined
Mar 12, 2015
Messages
129
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
05/2015
Country
CA
State
Ontario
City
Barrie
Hello all,

I have a question for the forum, and would like as much feedback as possible.

I have been dating someone now for about 3 months. The chemistry has been very good between us and we've really hit things off well. She saw me fall recently and was very concerned, mostly because the harsh reality of the disease was apparent.

The* challenging part involves her 5 year old daughter. Her daughter saw me fall about 3 weeks ago, and while I was relatively unharmed, her daughter became concerned about my safety, wanted to help me up, hold the door open etc. My friend recently informed me that her daughter had a recurring nightmare about a violent fall, which added to the concern.*This further upset my friend, as she is increasingly worried about the effect the disease will have on her daughter as it progresses.

We had a talk tonight and are both unsure as to what to do next. Most importantly, we want to make sure that her daughter is capable of coping with the disease without being harmed, as she is too young to be able to really process the disease and what it entails. We both fear, for different reasons that we are being selfish about the relationship as it* going so well, and are concerned we are not putting the child's best interests first.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated as this is an extraordinary situation for both of us.

Thanks in advance.
 
That her daughter was concerned about you then, and dreamed about it later, suggests she is forming a bond with you. If you three stay together, it will be hard on her, and hard on her mom, but you will be (ipso facto if you stay together), a loving trio. Her concern for you won't diminish if you break up, though she will forget at some point, of course.

So if the child is healthy physically and mentally to begin with, and you decide to get/stay serious, her mom might want to speak with a counselor about the best ways to communicate the reality of the disease and reduce the trauma as much as possible. But I would not rule in or out a happy relationship due to a five-year old, with ALS any more than I would without it.

Best,
Laurie
 
I agree with Laurie 100 percent, but perhaps a walker may be an Idea.
 
I think seeing a counselor, first, as a couple might help. If this relationship is heading somewhere, there will be a way to make it work. Just please make sure your partner is in it for the long haul to protect all three of your hearts.
 
Hey bear, congratulations! These are the loving concerns of a normal life living with a tuff nightmare. Awesome, I am so happy for you! However it plays out enjoy the moments of the day. I can tell your a great guy, have fun ! Love ya chally
 
Ditto...what everyone else said. The child stands to lose more by losing you in her life now. My grandchildren know their papa is going to die at some point but are so very thankful for each moment they have. Congrats and I hope it works out for you.
 
At five years old, they're really resilient. Don't worry about permanently damaging a normal 5-yr-old. The most important things are to pay attention to her, take her questions seriously, give her answers that she can handle. Kids that age just need someone to spend time with them during the day and comfort them, hug them. She'll adapt to your ALS and carry on.
 
Thank you everyone for your feedback. Sadly, just yesterday she broke my heart. After month of physical and emotional intimacy, she suggested that we just be friends. I am shocked and heartbroken. Yesterday morning, she agreed to take a picture of us on Facebook and post it on my wall. This follows months of daily texting, warm compliments, and even at one point mentioning the 'm' word and living together. I couldn't believe what I heard. She claimed that her daughter would be too traumatized. Even though I strongly disagree with her, there is nothing I can do. I left her place yesterday devastated. I wish I could report something different. it's one thing to be told this when healthy, although with ALS, it's completely different. I don't know what to do and my trust has been shattered.
 
... this follows an agreement between us that I would post on this forum, and unamously, people agree that while challenging, it is doable. I can't believe what she said
 
So sorry to read this update Bear, and right before Christmas. I am sending you a hug and pray that some joy comes your way.
 
So sorry, Bear. You obviously have much to offer and I hope other friends and family bring you joy this season.

Best,
Laurie
 
I'm so sorry that it turned out this way. Wishing you peace and happiness in the new year.
 
Oh Bear, I had hoped that it would work out for you. The hurt is deep when we suffer a loss in faith. It is even deeper when piled on with all you have to deal with. I hope and pray that you can find some peace and joy this holiday season.
 
I am sorry she felt unable to cope or to do the counseling. I know your heart is shattered but I would also be grateful knowing she respected uou enough to tell the truth.

There have been several pals who caregivers just left them. It was s devastating for them.

Sending you a big 85 degree hug!
 
I am truly sorry bear, words fail me xxx
 
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