Just moved home to be closer to sick father

[Sayen]

So I've just moved back home from a city I was living in for 9 years to spend time with my father who was diagnosed with ALS last year. That year that I was still living in a city far away from him I did not cope with his illness very well, and drank a lot to try and deal with not knowing how far he was progressing or if he would still be alive by the time I got out there again.
Now that I'm here, I was glad to be near him again and straighten my life out a bit. But everything is sinking in now. He has progressed to the point where he cannot speak barely at all. He can't go outside without having to be hooked up to his breathing aperatus afterwards, he can't eat or drink, bathe himself, hold his head up and I have to cut his finger and toe nails for him. This is such a change from last time I saw him, I barely recognize him anymore..
I've been trying to distract myself because I have no idea how to deal with this. He has the kind that attacks his lungs so I have no idea how long he has. But I'm finding myself feeling lost without the circle of friends I had in my city or my old life. I don't know hardly anyone here except my family, I feel like I've lost everything. Like I don't have a life of my own anymore.

I visited a city 5 hours away to spend some time with friends and I didn't want to leave. I felt I found something that was missing. They want me to move up there but I don't know if that would be me walking out on my family again when they need me. The last city I was in was a 15 hour drive away so 5 hours seems like nothing to me, but they don't feel the same. I feel like I'm being selfish, but I just feel so alone here...

 

[starente15]

Hi Sayen. I understand what you're going through.

My parents lived many states away from me. When my dad was diagnosed I flew there every 6-8 weeks to visit and attend clinic. Each time I went he looked and sounded different and it was a shock all over again to see how he was progressing. Toward the end I took a leave of absence from work, left my boyfriend, whom I live, with at home and stayed for 7 weeks to assist with my dad's care. I felt very out of control during this time and drank a lot myself to cope with what was happening to him physically and the family dysfunction that ensued from all of this.

It's a selfless act to be there and it's very difficult to leave your life behind even if only for a short time. I stayed in touch with my friends via Facebook, called my b/f every day to have him remind me that I COULD do it and found time for myself even if it was just to go for a walk.

It won't be easy, but it WILL be worth it.

Christine

 

[GilWest]

Living with mom going on two years now...

 

[peacecomesfromwithin]

I just moved my mom to DC to live with me, mostly because going back to visit every month or so was not enough and she doesn't take care of herself on her own.

It's already a very tough adjustment. I think she may need a feeding tube soon. She is in denial of her diagnosis and we can't even broach the topic of a vent - or how far is too far to go with life-sustaining measures.

I have a job waiting that would move me to Africa and she wants to come with me, but the more I learn about the disease, the more I don't know if it's feasible. I have a promise that I can put off the move for another 6 months, but who is know what will have happened with her at that point. The job seems like the opportunity of a lifetime and would effectively solve all of my financial problems (no exaggeration) and would allow me to take care of her too, even if she decided to stay here and go into assisted living. But then - if I was gone and she was here, what would happen and what would I miss?

These life decisions and timing suck so bad. I just want to do the right thing, but everything is so uncertain.

Good luck to you!!

Also - GilWest I would love to hear more of your perspectives after moving in with mom and choosing the vent.