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starente15

Senior member
Joined
Oct 27, 2014
Messages
809
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
10/2017
Country
US
State
NJ
City
Northern
My dad passed away yesterday. I got word on Thanksgiving that we should get there quickly. Yesterday, the stars were aligned and there was no traffic, the airport had no lines and our flight was on time.

Hospice came an hour after we arrived. We were told that his stomach had shut down and no more meds could go in the tube. We were faced with a decision I hadn't really thought about. Did we want to give more morphine and turn off the bipap? The nurse said we were in unchartered territory. She couldn't guarantee how it would play out either way. Take it off and see or wait and risk aspiration and a possible crisis.

We gave two doses of morphine shortly after he had his last meds by tube. We took off the mask and his eyes were focused upward. He didn't seem distressed, he wasn't wide-eyed asking for help, he just continued to breathe shallowly and after 19 minutes, stopped.

I am struggling greatly with witnessing this although people said how strong we were. I'm really just wondering if anyone knows how comfortable someone in this position can be. Are they aware or really "not there", was he scared? I know there are probably no answers as the only people who truly know are no longer here. Just feeling panicked right now.
 
It sounds peaceful. I have seen a fair number of deaths and although one can not really know what one feels at the moment it was obvious in the ones who were distressed. Very different from a peaceful death. I think you would have felt any distress
 
It sounds like you did your what was best for you father. Watching him leave thie earth must have been so very hard for you. I honestly believe that passing with loved ones by your side is very peaceful . I also believe that it's harder foe the ones left behind because we are left behind with all the questions.
 
It sounds like a very peaceful death and the kind I would like for me when my time comes. I'm so glad that you made it there in time to be there. I'm sure he sensed your presence. God bless you and your family!
Audrey
 
Very sorry to hear of your loss. We all know how much you loved your Dad. How good that you were able to make it there in time. This very difficult struggle you've all been through is now over. I too was at my Dad's passing a year ago. As you, I relived those moments over and over again. Try not to let your mind dwell on whether he was in distress, when what you witnessed points to the opposite. There was nothing in what you described to indicate distress. May your time of grief be eased by memories of the good times. And may you have peace.
Charlene
 
Star, you ended his suffering. You didn't cause any more.

You knew that moment would come, three months ago.

You did what your mom, were she up to it, would have done. He wasn't afraid, and your strength joined with his at the right time.

Best,
Laurie
 
I agree that it sounds like a peaceful death. We cannot know exactly what was going on inside him, but I do believe he was aware you were there and loving him at that very last moment. This is a huge thing.

I have known PALS who did not die peacefully, and it was obvious.

I hope you can come to a place of peace with it quickly - he was given dignity, he was not left to die alone, and he was not showing distress. Hold to these things. There is no cure, so you gave him your love and that is worth more than anything.
 
Star, you got there on time and gave him a peaceful passing. I like to think that he picked Thanksgiving as a message about he felt about you, and about how he wants you to feel about his release. You fought hard for him and it may take awhile to relax, but please allow yourself to heal.
Hugs, Becky
 
Dear Star,

The issue is not comfort, or pain, being scared or at peace. I am certain there was discomfort, there was pain and he was scared. But I am equally certain that the most important thing to him was that his little girl was beside him.

All of us who are on the edge of death feel the pain, uncertainty, and sting of it, but most important will be who is there with us to share in our end. You are his little twinkling Star and you where beside him through it all, no father could ask for more.

Your dads time on earth has come to an end. As impossible as it may seem all any of us facing death want is for those whom we love to have the best life possible. To remember us, not for our faults, but for how we tried to love those who were closest to us.

Your dad was the luckiest man in the world, and I am sure he knew it, his little girl was there for him.
 
Oh my God Pete, you just made me cry! Thank you for your words and glad to see you back. Hope you had a wonderful time on your cruise.

Today we finalized things with the funeral home and had our private viewing. His face was finally relaxed and he looked at peace which we are all grateful for. Unfortunately, my mother decided on a whim that she would like to be present for the start of the cremation process tomorrow. When we first began making plans six weeks ago and we were all in a better state of mind, she was asked and said no. We all breathed a sigh of relief. Now we are all stressing out, not only for our own unease with it, but because of the fragile state she is in and fear that it could trigger her to go further downhill than she already is. She collapsed the night of his passing and we're expecting the same could happen tomorrow.
 
Star, you have had to go through so much and have had such grace during the worst of times.

I believe that the bond between mother and children is the strongest bond there is. Your mother will have her children at her side. She is heart broken and under a lot of grief which can do a lot of harm to our mental state. Unless she truly has a medical reason for her state of mind, she will make it through this with her children at her side. I am a mother and wife to Steve and know I also want to be there. It will be hard and I know I will be a mess emotionally. I will feel like my world has ended but my children and grandchildren will give me reason to continue on.

You may have a hard time with her fragile state of mind but in reality she is making the choice as his wife and you know in your heart that you cannot take that away from her. I am so sorry that you will have to now find the strength to pick your mom up but you will. You are such as strong and beautiful daughter. Tomorrow will be the hardest thing you will ever go through so try not to stress out to much tonight.

I will pray for your mother and family tonight and you will be on my mind tomorrow. I am so sorry and it breaks my heart.
 
Thank you so much Scared (sorry I don't know your name!). Somehow we will manage through this as well. I look forward to the day I can start to mentally decompress myself and deal with a lot of this. For the past year, I compartmentalized everything so that I could make sure he had everything he needed.

I've been told by several people that I was his rock and he was always looking to me because he knew I would take care of things. We were so much alike and that made me happy. In the months I was here he would write my name on a board and ask the aides to wake me up. They never wanted to because we were exhausted but they did. I would come out and ask what was up and he would just shrug his shoulders. He was bored and restless but I was always able to calm him down and get him to rest for a few more hours. When I left no one else was able to get him to relax which stressed me out tremendously. I know I did all I could but I never wanted to see him struggle. One day I hope that I too can relax and begin to crowd out the bad memories with all the good ones I have tucked away.
 
Star,
I am going to disagree w/ Deb a bit. I think it's a bad idea [for all of you, not just her] and would therefore invest in a last ditch effort to change your mom's mind. Nothing ventured...

You could show her the best, happiest pic of the two of them and say, "Let's remember him like that. He is at peace and would want us to be, too. He would not want any of us, least of all you, to go through any more trauma."

It's nothing against cremation. Larry's ashes flew to his memorial service first and since have been scattered in about 20 places across the country so far, by various people. They're in the living room as I type.

But you said goodbye today to him, his body. It doesn't seem as meaningful to say goodbye to his ashes or watch him become them. And under your circumstances it does seem likely to cause [some of] you unnecessary suffering.

Just my two cents. If it has to be, I wish you all well and would definitely be prepared for collapse and a rapid exit, which I hope is not how you have to leave him. Honestly, if it were my mom, I would flat out refuse to take her under the guise/deflection of "it would be too much for me," and substitute the offer of picking up/scattering the ashes with her, but it is your family and you will know best.

Peace,
Laurie
 
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I do agree Laurie and I know my brother wants to have a little talk over breakfast tomorrow. I'm having an anxiety attack right now as I type this. We saw him at peace today for the first time in months and the last memory I need is what I'm envisioning. I'll let you know how it goes. Hopefully it doesn't!
 
Laurie, I do agree with you and think the idea you have is wonderful. I am thinking from my prospective and that may be wrong for her situation and in hindsight I should have refrained from my comment about the cremation process. I just believe that if she is adamant about being there and is told she can't that it may cause her to feel like her choices are being taken from her by her children. I do agree that she should try to persuade her to change her mind if at all possible. Star is very strong and has been so good with her decisions so know she will do what is best.
 
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