When to tell a grandchild?

[ECpara]

We moved two years ago to be near the grandkids after Tom was diagnosed, so we see them a lot. They are 9 (grandson) and 6 1/2 (granddaughter). They know Pop-pop has ALS and that it has taken away his ability to talk and eat. But our grandson is becoming more aware of Pop-pop's declining health. My daughter wants to know at what point does she tell him it's terminal? Or does she? Are there any good books for kids that might explain in a kind manner?

 

[SMP51]

I think with little ones honesty is best...yours know he has ALS so answer the questions they ask, if that brings up another question answer that, ect..., kinda like when they ask where do babies come from they are not asking the whole nuts and bolts question and that a baby grows in its mommy's tummy is a satisfactory answer, if not they will come up with the nest question.
our grands, 8, 8 and 11, know and have been talking to their parents. there last visit the youngest boy mentioned several times that at least it isn't contagious so I think they have been asking a lot of questions!
I do believe there is a good childrens book but I don't know the name

 

[Atsugi]

Hmm. Probably gonna be several very different opinions on this. I humbly offer my view.

Age matters. At 9 and 6 I don't think any explanation or warning is needed. Pop-pop is obviously sick, and the kids know that. It's not unusual for grandparents to become infirm and eventually pass.

Kids who are that young tend to accept whatever life throws at them very well. Plus, any talk of "terminal" illness may be shocking. I just think it's unneeded. They will roll with the punches. More importantly, they will look at their parents and emulate your emotions. Whether you're emotional or stoic, they will be also.

For my teens at 13 and 15, we initially explained that mom's foot was sick. A month later I explained that mom's legs were going to get worse. After a few more months-when mom was wheelchair bound--I explained that all of mom's muscles were going to die and she would die someday, too. We cried when I told the kids she would die.

At that point, I involved both children in mom's care. They crushed meds, fed mom, used the Hoyer lift, did everything except wipe her bottom. The kids really accepted it all very well, with only that single crying episode at the beginning, and of course there were tears when mom finally passed away while we held her hands and said goodbye. In short, we handled our grief by busily supporting mom.

That's just my own personal experience.

 

[cheerleader]

The perfect book for children these ages is entitled "the Tenth Good Thing about Barney" by Judith Viorst. It is available through Amazon or through Barnes and Noble. I used it each year when I taught elementary kids. It deals with death and dying- focusing on the death of a cat. But the lessons are uplifting and quite lovely, and can easily translate for children into people they love. Donna

 

[dalvin]

IMO, keep things simple, don't use words like terminal - they may not understand such words, keep it age appropriate, answer only what's asked and finally at that age I'd have the talks separately.

 

[cheerleader]

Two postings to mod. What words are doing it?

 

[GregK]

Every person born is 'terminal'. There is no need to make the kids look at Pop-pop any differently than they do now which will most likely happen if you make a special case of it.

This changes the question to "when do you tell kids that grandparents (and by extension, parents) die?"

This is a somewhat easier discussion as the grandkids probably have playmates whose grandparents have passed.

 

[affected]

I think it does depend on what children may ask as to how much information is given at any one time.

For example if the child looked you in the eye and said - but the doctors will make him all better won't they? Well that starts the conversation into a deeper area. You may not say, no it will kill him, but I would think being honest is best and at least say, no he wont' get better. The child may not leap from that to terminal, but would at least know that this is serious.

I know that my daughter told her then 5 year old daughter that Chris was going to die from the MND. Now my granddaughter was very young, but she is actually very 'intellectual' like both her parents and quite possibly asked a lot of pointed questions. When they next came to visit, we were sitting at dinner on the first night, and Sophie innocently says something about he is going to die. I immediately took the conversation up with the topic of well yes, and in fact, we are all going to die someday, we don't know when, but death is part of life. I felt it went quite well with her at such a young age.

Chris however was furious. He said nothing (his speech was quite bad) in response to this and after the meal became very withdrawn and pretty much remained that way for the rest of their visit (a whole week). He told me that it had been totally inappropriate for them to tell her he was going to die and they had no right to do that. He refused to speak to them about it however, so I was left piggy-in-the-middle. My daughter had come a long distance specifically to give a week of her time to spending it with Chris.

So it's a very touchy thing. It was hard, Chris had FTD, and he was always in denial - he was 'fighting it'. He knew he couldn't beat it, but he felt that if he refused to admit that out loud somehow ... who knows what. I think it was very confronting for him to have it come out of the mouth of a babe, and we all know that children will just say out whatever is on their mind!

Because he was so sullen and withdrawn, Sophie became unwilling to interact much with him, of course his speech was bad and his mobility was poor. This only became more and more uncomfortable for everyone.

The next visit, last xmas, I encouraged games with her to guess what he was saying (his speech was far worse, but it was always simple one word responses). She became thrilled that she could catch some words (lol they were dependable answers, oh the joy of youth). I also encouraged her to help do the peg feeds and she was fascinated by this. She enjoyed fetching things I 'forgot' to bring with me into a room to do a task with Chris, and to help clear up afterwards.

I thought of this after what Mike said about how he involved his children. I think that some actual physical contact and feeling they are involved and helping is really important for young children. It's harder for it to be so scary if you are actually helping out.

 

[jillinak]

I have told all my grandchildren ranging from 16 - 7. They even help now when I need help We are even teaching my 11 month old sign language. It is so important to keep them involved.

Jill

 

[Atsugi]

Tillie, that's a really important story about how Chris got furious when his granddaughter asked about his dying. I learned something new. Thanks.

 

[ECpara]

All of your stories and suggestions are enlightening, thank you! I'll let my daughter read all of them, I'm ultimately leaving the choice up to her. Donna, I am adding that book to my Christmas list! That can't hurt since they have recently lost pets.

 

[gooseberry]

Alsa in canada has some literature for telling younger kids.. I looked thru one of their books with my son. It was easy for him to understand but he is.a.bit older. I can say though, it opens the door to many, many more questions. I think you need to be prepared to lay it all out and discuss all aspects in a general way. The kids will use Dr. Google.

 

[Santa joe]

Knowing that he would not see his grandchildren grow up brought Santa Joe so much sadness. He would cry after each visit with them. I left the explaining up to their parents. They never brought up his dying to me but I knew that was explained to them.

Debbie

 

[krnNdug]

I asked the same question a few months ago and got a lot of great advice. The bottom line for us is that our daughter and her husband need to tell them, not me. They were 4, 6 & 8 and very smart.

I was worried but for us it is easier because I have had a life altering disability for 12 years so all they have known is papa walking with a cane or in a wheelchair. They know something is different when they saw their dad do the ice bucket challenge in my name. We brought them to the local ALS Walk and they were on stage and having a good time. I think that having them there and seeing people in all stages of this disease will help down the road when I get farther along.

They love their papa and I love them. I haven't changed how I love them (although I may be a bit more patient with their yelling).

You concern is very valid and I hope all goes better than you expect.

Doug