Any Caregivers who have a loved one who passed?

[BlueK58]

Took care of my mom for 5 years. Full time for the last 2...She passed away about a month ago. I was there, I watched her go and thank god it was peaceful. Throughout it all I NEVER cried. I got choked up and teary eyed, had a few brief tears but never had a good real release type cry. Today while shopping my debit card was denied and I was really annoyed. I was feeling so frustrated and I began to think about my mom on the drive home. Once I got home I just broke down and cried. It wasn't a ton but enough where I really cried. Now it is all starting to become real. I miss my mom so much. I know there are more of these moments to come and I bet they will be much more intense. How do people cope with this? I feel like I don't know what "normal" is for me anymore and I am afraid I will continue to feel this way. I feel tired all the time, I am disorganized, indecisive, do not want to see friends and feel like I am always in a general Fog. I realize these are all normal things while grieving. I guess I am just wondering if people can find happiness in life again? I love my mother so much and its so lonely not waking up and taking care of her anymore. Its like I lost my best friend and purpose

 

[vickim]

I am so sorry for your loss. All your feelings are normal and sound like there is some depression in there too. You may want to see about getting some meds to help you through this grieving time. It may help you and there is no shame in it. You took great care of your mom and probably not such good care of your self, like most caregivers.

 

[cervus]

So sorry you lost your mum. The grieving process is different for everybody. I think just do whatever feels right for you. No reason to hold back your pain and emotions. Sometimes crying from your heart and gut will make you feel like you've released some of your pain and sometimes it won't. That's how it works for me. Look back in the Forum and there are several threads on Grief. I started one with "Grief Is" as the title. It lists some very accurate emotions people feel when they're grieving and yet not all of them. I went to a bereavement group our ALS Society hosted once a month and felt it helped in that everybody there had lost a loved one to ALS so understood to a point. It took about 4 sessions before I felt I had taken away what I could and then I left. Take care and thank you for looking after your mum. Yasmin

 

[goolia75]

I lost a parent too, my dad. It wasn't from ALS, it was brain cancer, but it wasn't a kind death. Healing after the loss of a loved one is a very long process. My dad passed away 17 years ago when I was 21 years old. I watched him slowly waste away for 2 years and helped my mom care for him. Even though it's been 17 years, I still get choked up about it at times, mostly when I think about the stuff he hasn't been here for, like my own kids growing up. Usually though, I just think about the good memories and all the good things he taught me. Let yourself feel what you feel when you feel it. Eventually in time, the sadness will become less and the good memories will take over. Yes, you can happiness again, but it takes time... your own time.

 

[ValleyMomma]

I have lost my mother in law and my husband is next in line. I have lost my father to a different illness and also my best friend. Life sucks and then you die.

 

[bowser]

Time heals.

It sure is rough waiting for time to start healing.

My father passed away in 1973 and he was my best friend. I still miss him.
My wife is my best friend now and her days are limited ( ALS).

lOSING BEST FRIENDS IS ROUGH !

 

[affected]

It is just so tough, and if you were not having a hard time now you wouldn't be human. That doesn't make you feel better, but what you are experiencing is grief, and it is so normal.

Firstly, try to be kind to yourself. Yeah you are disorganised, in a fog and feeling very down. OK so that's how it is today, and maybe for a little while, but it will improve as you move through the process.

If you can find a good grief and loss counsellor I'm sure it would be really helpful for you to find some strategies to help you through this. It's not going to heal magically, you have lost your mother and that is huge, and needs to be acknowledged. Starting to cry is good, things are moving for you and I think it's a sign that getting some counselling help, finding others who have done this to share with or something of that nature is what you are really needing now.

Anti depressants could help, but I would try counselling for strategies first. I'm on anti depressants as a CALS, they are making the world of difference for me, but I'm also seeing a counsellor regularly and talking to other CALS is probably the biggest help for me in many ways.

Huge hugs to you, time does heal, but that doesn't help when you are waiting for time to get on with doing that, so do reach out for some professional help.

 

[geoffrey]

Hi! I lost my wife on the 27th july. It is still impossible for me to visit her grave. She suffered from ALS for 16 years. For the first 8 years I took care of my wife by myself. After 8 years she had a tracheotomy and a peg inserted in her stomach, she couldn't speak, eat or drink. In this condition she lived for an additional 8 years, consuming 52,000 litres of liquid oxygen each week. For these final 8 years I needed help as I couldn't manage by myself, so I employed a Rumanian lady who lived in. My wife in this condition always had a smile on her face for me and was capable of great laughter. My age is 75 years and my wife and I celebrated our 53rd wedding anniversary 7 weeks before she died.

Like yourself, I have so many moments of desparation. I still cannot visit her grave without totally breaking down in tears. In my house I have 20 very large poster photographs covering 2 walls with an altar beneath.

After describing my feelings I can add that I keep my mind off this problem by spending a lot of time on my hobbies. I feel sure that you will eventually be resigned to the fact that your mum is at peace, and slowly your happiness will return. It is easier for me living in a small Italian village where I know most of the population, and you find yourself always in conversation. In England you are more lonely and that is a great pity. Dear friend I wish for you to find your peace, soon all will be fine. Goodbye

 

[Anastasia]

You have been so devoted to caring for your dear mother right to the end.You are amazing and now you sound emotionally exhausted.

We as a family lost our dear Ed in December 2011 and still some of us dont cry or feel the realness of it all.I believe after the inensity of what this path has been ,we all react differently and at different times.

Please be kind to yourself and take it slowly ...pace yourself and remember what an amazingly,devoted experience you have shared with yor Mum.


If I can suggest,continue to put your feelings out through this venue where you are able to share with like minded people who can at least begin to understand your sadness.

Take care and blessings being sent your way,anastasia.

 

[SquantzMemory]

First of Blue, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Like many others here I have a good sense of what you're feeling though there are variations depending on the relationship to the lost one. For the most part, time is the only thing that will help. I tried counseling, medication, alcohol, distractions and everything else I could to cope with the pain of losing my after only 14 months. Nothing worked. It's only now that my depression has begun to give away to just profound sadness and that will likely stay with me forever. Talk to whoever will listen as much as you can and know that eventually you will emerge. In the meantime, try to focus on the good memories and be grateful for the time that you had and what you did for your mother.