too many visitors

[Kim C]

How can I "nicely" tell visitors that they are overstaying their welcome? Mom is having trouble with speech now. Her voice is very strained. We have much more company that she is really able to talk too. Thankfully most don't stay long, but my cousin stayed two hours Saturday and has already said she's coming back next Saturday again. I don't think we need anyone staying over 30 minutes.

Also, we have lots of people bring food. Mom is also now having trouble with certain types of food. We prefer to cook ourselves because of that fact, but again, how to nicely tell people that.

I feel our lives are being "hijacked" by well-meaning friends and family. Don't mean to sound ungrateful, I know everyone means well and their support brings me to tears sometimes.

I think I can tell friends not to overstay, but it's a bit touchy with family. I don't want to make anyone mad but I sure don't want cousin staying two hours or more again this Saturday.

 

[hjlindley]

I'm afraid you're going to have to be slightly non southern and very direct. I've emailed my friends and said very much the same thing. I can take one guest per day. And please don't bring me anything I can't cut up as my hands are shot. I was having dinner with my college roommate and she said, but you look so good. It's wonderful your friends are trying to help. Maybe take it on as a project in say I don't want to waste anyone's good intentions, so here's the schedule. And you really have to tell people she can only take so much time. Good luck. Your mom's lucky to have you.
Hollister

 

[Jeff Long]

Kim,
It's all about the pause.... instead of saying "Thanks for stopping by" you need to say "Thanks for stopping... bye!"

 

[bowser]

Before my father died from pancreatic cancer, he told my mother the same..........." PLEASE limit visits from friends "

 

[Kim C]

Great Reply! Love It

 

[skipper66]

Jeff,
Your reply gave me a much needed chuckle today.

 

[ottawa09072013]

I also get lots of visitors and they are very caring people that want to help and spend time with me while they can. Mind you, at this point I still have my speech and no problem eating. That being said, I decide who and when will visit me. I let visitors know when I need to rest. I also encourage visitors either bringing food or cooking - it gives my caregiver a break. So you have to set expectations with visitors - explain how long they should visit and if they wish to bring something, what kinds of items you would appreciate. My visitors help with my clothing purging, running errands for me, housework, and meals as well as watch movies with me. Friends built my wheelchair ramp, in the process of selling my car, and are going to do some required shower renos as well as remove the big furniture from the bedroom. This helps my caregiver as it frees up his time to care for me and manage all the household responsibilities. People want to help and spend time with your PALS! You may just need to set their expectations.

 

[skipper66]

Several people asked me when my dad was still living in town if he was up to seeing visitors. I told them he would love for them to come over but to please not make them overly long because he gets worn out. We also told people what time he normally eats so they didn't stop by then. He still eats on his own but needs to do concentrate so he doesn't choke. The caretaker would post a note on the front door for visitors if they stopped by when dad was sleeping. We just had to kind of be blunt and tell people his schedule. Most people seemed to be understanding. Dad loved when people brought over baked goods. One of the neighbors brought over homemade icecream for him.

 

[Katie C]

I had no trouble standing up and saying "Thank you for coming.. hope you can stop by again." We specifically told people what Glen could and couldn't eat. At the time, Kevin was also dating a girl with serious nut allergies. I gave up explaining, and if it was something we couldn't use, I just threw it out. I also made a point of requesting that meals be brought in something disposable as I couldn't be counted on to keep track of everything. Of course two years later someone wanted her "favorite casserole dish" back. When I told her I had no idea what had happened to it, that everything that came marked with a name had already been returned and the rest donated, I got an e-mail from her saying that obviously our friendship meant more to her than it did to me and that we just couldn't be friends any more. Can you say junior high moment? You are in a situation where you, your PALS and the rest of your family come first. It's ok to demand that.

 

[ottawa girl]

Katie - A casserole dish goes missing and so does a friendship? Unbelievable.

We have a cupboard in which only other people's containers are stored and everyone knows where to grab their stuff. Every once in awhile, we fill them with chocolates or m&m candy or similar treat and a thank you note. Always brings a smile!

Occasionally, people visit too long, but not usually. Although, one friend recently overstayed and repeated many times " Elaine, you look tired" duh! Yes! - had to be blunt. It pains me though, because most friends drive 1.5 hours each way. And I so appreciate the visits and hearing about events in their life. It's a trade-off sometimes. I much prefer feeling tired and having visitors than the opposite, although we did stop having overnight weekend guests. Miss that a lot, but it's just too hard now.

 

[cervus]

Just be honest, Kim. You can send out an email explaining that your mum tires easily and while you appreciate their visits and their kind contributions, you all have to be very careful about what your mum can or cannot eat so prefer to make meals yourselves. Same thing about flus, colds, etc. Make sure everybody knows that they cannot visit if they are or have been around anybody that is sick! We kept a bottle of hand sanitizer by the front door and made EVERYBODY use it before they stepped too far in the house. A bit awkward but your mum and your family are priority! Katie, I remember that story! Sooo funny, Jeff! Yasmin.

 

[affected]

I so agree, and I would make it a positive statement that you could maybe email to everyone and make it clear it is what everyone is being told, it's not a personal statement to or against any one person.

Make it an update on where you mom is at - so they feel like you are including them, and you could send the email regularly then with a new update at the top and then underneath your 'positive' request for how people can help and support could always be the same or could just be adjusted as her needs change too.

Something like, visiting being limited to one hour or whatever and why, your mums meal needs, her fatigue and how speech affects this. Maybe you could suggest then that if they would like to help and visit maybe they could do some shopping or some errand for you then drop in for a short visit. I'm not trying to tell you what you should say, put your own words and needs in and make it like a suggestion on this is what we really need and let people offer then to take some roles or tasks.

I have the opposite in that my PALS kids steer clear and we don't have any other family close, but so many of my friends have offered so many things, so far I've not taken them up on it as I'm kind of waiting til he is not mobile and then I'm going to do something like this. Email them as a group with the things I do need help with, and let people take a role, rather than leave them trying to think what they might do, which ends up not being what you want or need.

Take away containers is such a great idea, fancy losing a friend over a dish? I do have some favourite kitchen items, and I just wouldn't take one over to someones house and leave it there, I would always use dishes that don't much matter if they go astray. Sheesh some folks sure is odd!

 

[momals2008]

I removed my doorbell so that my family wouldn't disturbed my mother or me when we are resting. I come from a dominican family that are set in their ways so sending an email and trying to explain things nicely dont work so what I do when I dont want them around is I turn my phone off and I dont open the door. I have also explained that any food containers they bring they will not get back because I am extremely busy and do not have time for that.

 

[AfraidButNotAlone]

Loved all the responses Nearly everyone seems so blessed to have such caring friends

 

[zoohouse]

So far I think Tim can outlast me in the friend visit category. But we actually don't get that many visitors, as Tim has only lived in Canada 1 year. My sister comes fairly often, but we both love having her and her husband, and if Tim gets tired he just tips his chair back and goes to sleep. But then my brother in law will often just slip off and do his own thing when we are visiting there. It is very relaxed. So I guess I can't give you any advice, other than what has already been said.