flood gate

[Sammantha]

Is it just me? My emotions are so out of control.....now things that mad me sad growing up have come to the forefront. I thought emotional lability only struck you, but this is deep down pain that i thought i overcame, forgaven and moved on with my life like we all do. As a child i felt worthless in many ways and i was alone a lot. Thank god for good friends, i was abandoned by my mother whom i reconnected with and forgave many moons ago. My brother was a druggie who beat me, i would have holes in the walls abd on my doors trying to run from him, i forgave him and he would do anything for me now and so would my mom...but now i am right back in that place i was before, apparently my subconsciense does not forget. With my disorder it makes me feel useless/worthless so it brought up all those feelings like a flood gate and i dont know how to stop it................

 

[brooksea]

I am sorry you are in such a "place." You sound like you need serious counsel of which none of us are likely qualified to provide over the net.

I hope you will seek help as soon as possible so you can overcome your feelings of despair.

 

[notme]

I must agree with CJ. It's very heard to deal with depression, and today, there is a lot of help available to deal with things.

I often lay awake at night with racing thoughts about things that happened to me when I was very young. I grew up with substantial abuse and sometimes those memories overwhelm me, even today, 40 years later.

I hope you can get some help to deal with the depression.

 

[beckysuenc]

I understand some of what you are going through. I was a single mom with 5 children and no child support. Worked 2 and 3 jobs to make ends meet. I'm now beating myself up for not being a better mother. These things I thought I had come to terms with long ago. My mind keeps going back to did I do this or that. Did the children have enought to eat and on and on. Depression is real and can really cripple us. Try to see sosmeone and maybe be put on some kind of meds. We can't change the past. My heart goes out to you.
Beckysuenc

 

[Sequoia]

You have to reach out, Sam....find someone who you know loves you and share with them. Don't let your mind convince you are back where you once were! You have grown through all the pain, and you are stronger than you think....love is what you need to focus on...those who love you and know who you are...see yourself through their eyes. My therapist once told me that we are all born whole and complete...and that no experience can rob of this wholeness...but the journey is to find this wholeness in ourselves. you are loved, Sammantha....you are whole and complete...you have gained wisdom and endurance from what you experienced....hold onto the good in your life, and the tough stuff, let it go.
Praying for you!

 

[michael0314]

I herd a saying once, that's why a rear view mirror is so small and the windshield is so big. We were ment to look forward not back. I hope you get things figured out.

 

[notgivnup]

Samantha, The past is gone forever, tomarrow no one knows, today is all we have, it is the present, A present to cherish and live in, only for moment with all the strength we have, choosing to be happy, or choosing to be sad, mad or anything else. You are strong, you are in the present, forget the past, tell it to shut up, think on this day and the good person you have become thru all the stuff you have endured and are here to seek the lovely, the good, the joy you so deserve. And if you cannt do it alone and need help to do this, seek it out and try to understand these things that you can take control even if you need help to do so and there is no shame in that......Big Hugs!

 

[pmbenb83]

I'm so sorry to hear that your past is creeping back to the forefront. With everything that you are dealing with now, you are probably feeling vulnerable as you felt in your younger days. You are stronger than you realize. You've been through so much. Your old friends were there for you then, and your new friends here on the forum are here for you now. Hang in there. Feel the feelings, but don't let them control you. Enjoy every day as much as you can!

Take care.

 

[CuriousGirl]

i say just let it all out. cry, cry, cry! stamp your feet and pound your fists! cuss and swear like you probably never have before! don't be afraid...it will eventually stop. sometimes, i wonder if trying to hold all this stuff in has made us sick? just sayin...

 

[Sammantha]

This sounds so pathetic it makes me laugh....I blame it on pseudobulbar affect! I was so bad off i could not work and I tried and my hair fell out big bald spots! A dermatologist told me it was stress and would grow back but will stay thin! Just when you think you have had muscle spasms everywhere you get one in your throat, thank God I knew what it was and did not freak...my neuro just stared in my eyes and said that must be horrible and I am like yeah, next! Hence the emotions blah blah, I am on neurdextra, lamictal and klonopin..I just have to work through it pray and it subsides..knowing that helps a lot. I am going to a meditation retreat in Asheville and try to only watch comedies, ya know i hope i help someone with my story because you ALL have helped me just by giving me advice or goodthey are not life sayings,,,,most of you know our families do not give us that because they are not equipped emotionally or it scares them,,i truly love you all and I hope everyone feels as greatful for this site as I do...can you tell this is a good morning emotional wise or what!

 

[Sammantha]

I have a lot of new growth! I go back to work nov 14... I really feel for ya guys! I posted some pics, stress is a you know what....thanks everyone..I mean it