My partner is leaving me, he has ALS and wants to go it alone

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mjschaffer

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Please help with some advice. My significant other, my sweetheart took off, needing time alone and has come back saying he cannot burden me with his ALS. He says he can go through it by himself. He has been a runner most of his life, very athletic, always the one taking care of everyone else. He is very uncomfortable at the though of being cared for. He was diagnosed one year ago and is still very functional, although he is in a decline phase right now and he is petrified.

I have not waivered in my desire to care for him and am willing to go through thick or thin. In fact, I would be honored to have that opportunity. Yet his pride is taking over and I am left heart broken. I want him home. This is what best friends do for each other.

I don't know what to do or how to convince him of not alienating himself. I'm sad and lost. Please help.
 
Boy, I wish I could help you with that one. My husband is almost afraid to be out of my sight! What a strong and courageous man your partner must be. I can only suggest that you keep giving your support. Ultimately, he will have to have someone care for him. Hopefully, he will call on you.

Anyone else have a suggestion?
 
I can somewhat relate. The hardest thing for us pals is seeing the sadnees that we bring on to our loved ones. I thought about this a lot, and came to the conclusion that is extremely selfesh. If you take the hard road, I think it makes it easier for them to move on. They will actually be comforted knowing my suffering is over, and I put up a good fight! Urahh!
 
That is a great point, Phil. Nobody wants to be a source of sadness for others.

But also there is the issue of pride, not wanting people to see you weak, dependent and needy. I think this is harder for men than women to get over. But it is something that we have to come to terms with. It is the reality.

It sounds to me like this is the issue here. All I can suggest is to offer reassurance that no matter how he changes on the outside, it won't change how you feel about him. The things that are really important are inside and those are what you love. These are platitudes and to be honest I don't know how true they are in every case, but they are all we PALS have to hold onto. We have to convince ourselves to believe them to get the courage to carry on. You can help by offering your assurance that this is how you feel, and hopefully that will help him accept what is ahead.
 
So many times on here I have heard Pals say how they hate worse the fact that their illness makes likfe hard and sad for their Cals than the fact that they themselves are ill. They say this from a position of real love for their partners, from the selflessness of real love.

To go a step further and actually send their Cals away is to hurt them just, NOT to protect them from hurt.

I feel sure this will be a passing phase as your darling tries to adjust to the horror of his situation. I'd say the majority of us were sportsmen and women and know the need to drive ourselves hard and it would be reasonable to take that need a step further and believe we could take care of ourselves;
He loves you and needs you and this will pass, I am sure. Just tell him all you feel and hang on in there.
Love hurts but love conquers
 
Iris -
You are so wonderfully wise... I love that about you.
 
Jenn§!love you!
 
Independence and pride are very difficult things to work through and may take some time. Stay in touch with your sweetheart and express the love and willingness to take care of them through thick and thin, or sickness and health as the marriage vow goes. You have a wonderful and big heart and I hope over a brief period, your partner will understand and come back to you.
My mom has a hard time with receiving help as she has worked so hard her entire life to do without it. When things go wrong or become more difficult for her (ie getting off the couch), she will resist help and can sometimes become very "fussy" when my dad hovers and continues to want to help her. She looks very defeated when she finally has to accept the help.
I wish you the very best in helping your partner through this difficult time. Please let us know how things are going.
Take care and have a blessed day.
 
Thank you all so much for your encouragement. Please continue to post. I'm taking this very hard. I feel like I'm losing the love of my life way before I have to.
 
Hopefully he will come to his senses he is probably in shock and depressed and being protective of you.....he will realize that he is not going to be able to do it alone and is going to need you more than ever.... I am so sorry that you have to go through this...
 
Just continue to reach out to him, let him know you will always be there for him, you aren't going anywhere. Now more than ever, you both need each other.

Hal, no one sees you/any PALS as weak, dependent or needy. No one that really matters, that is!
 
Would you be able to share with him that taking himself away from you is actually selfish? I'm sure he thinks he's protecting you-my husband struggles with the same thing, but when I pointed out that removing himself from me, wouldn't "take care of me, but break my heart-that 'going it alone' wouldn't allow him to love me through this or for me to love him..." that gave him pause.

Prayers to you all for peace and courage!
 
exactly, Melody!
 
I've never had a loved one victimized by ALS. Yet, MJ, I continue to be astounded by people like yourself. I have no "sage" advice for you.
However, if I can be of ANY help, please call me.

Stu ALSGuardianAngels.com 949-233-3045
 
I would ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed. Would he want to be shut out of your life and the chance to take care of the person he loves. I know he is trying to spare you from being hurt. Please let him read some of the posts here and he can see for himself that caregivers aren't doing this because they have to, they are doing it because they want to for the people they love. I hope and pray that this all works out for you.

Dana
 
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